red apples.

ninety-one.

2010-07-17T22:07:00.004-06:00

I'm in a sticky place right now - it feels like I'm so close to finding my happiness and at the same time it feels so far away. I can't tell if it's just a place that's always going to feel an arm's length away or if the changes I've been making just aren't the right ones. My stomach is in knots right now and I'm feeling so low.
I finally started a new job about a month ago. The day I was officially hired I went out to my car and cried. I felt the huge weight, which has been getting heavier and heavier over the past 3 years, lift right off of my shoulders. It was the way I felt when I put my two weeks in, at the daycare, times a trillion. Now, the people I work with enjoy what they do, where they are, and who they're there with and that makes being there so easy. I'm out of my comfort zone and constantly learning new things every day and although I miss my babies and watching them grow and learn... I'm glad I'm there.
For the past few years I've been thinking about how great it would be to just pack up and leave for a little while - go somewhere where I'd be alone and have to find my own way. Change is a hard thing to do when everything around you stays the same and I feel like change is something that I could really use. But how do you go about just packing up and leaving? I haven't quite figured it out. I think I'm just trying to get to the point where I feel okay with myself - who I am, what I look like, the decisions I make, the way I feel... everything.

I hope I'm close.

ninety.

2009-09-08T20:27:00.002-06:00

people still use the internet? i've been absent from it for a while. sometimes it's just nice to take a break, so i don't become too involved into everyone else's lives.. i guess it's sort of contradicting to have a blog, then, huh?
nothing's changed, it never does. i still feel like a 20-year old who has accomplished nothing. i am really really really planning to start school in the spring. i might as well, it will get me where i want to be, physically, a lot faster, than sitting around will. maybe once i'm in a steady place, the right mentality will just happen.

"your present plans are going to succeed." - yes, please.

have a good one.

eighty-nine.

2009-04-15T19:57:00.003-06:00

i'm turning twenty in a week. i think the part that kills me the most is that i feel like i haven't accomplished a single thing. and even when i do, within a short period of time, i somehow always manage to back track and end up in square one. i always thought that twenty was so old, i still do i guess. it's a milestone, i think, a point in your life where you should be doing SOMETHING with your self. i guess all of this has just had me thinking a ton about my life; where i am, where i've been, and where i'm going. i hope i'm going somewhere nice.

on another note, i'm getting sick. i'm so congested and runny-nosed. other than that things have been fine. i hope my birthdays cool, itd be nice to see all of my friends. i love them, and i love my boyfriend, too! aww.

eighty-eight.

2009-03-03T23:30:00.006-05:00

it's like a broken record, playing over and over again in my head and breaking my heart.

eighty-seven.

2009-02-18T21:46:00.004-05:00

LOL. you can't even see it. my valentine's day was spent fashioning a tattoo gun out of a toothbrush, guitar string, and various parts of a mechanical pencil.. well, i watched rich do that. then i watched taylor give christian a ghost tattoo. before we made the gun, christian just got poked, probably a thousand times with a needle. as soon as it was my turn, the batteries died. i waited until sunday morning and i got my kitty cat on my ankle, and taylor did a tortoise on his toe.
taylor took me out on monday night, for our valentine's date. we went to red robin, i feel like we haven't gone in awhile and then to the pet store. i hate and love pet stores. i obviously like them, because i like to keep the animals company and watch them be funny. but it breaks my heart when i have to leave and see them sitting all alone or squishy in a tiny little tank/cage with noone to tell them how great and cute they are. taylor wore a nice shirt, which i liked so much.
i got a surprise from taylor this week, another pair of victoria secret long janes.. because he almost broke a different pair. what a nice boyf.
i feel like this was a weird post - i hardly ever recap my days in these. oh, well.

i'm feeling alright, alright.

eighty-six.

2009-02-04T19:48:00.004-05:00

today my mom told me we should "do that youtube thing" and make some money. speaking of my mom, i caught her deep in conversation with herself in the kitchen the other day, i love her to death, she almost peed her pants laughing when she saw me standing there. the woman's crazy. and i probably am, too. i'm surprised with the amount of friends i have, while i am almost fully convinced that i have something else, not so sane, going on up in my head. it's okay, though, i've gone almost 20 full years this way and i guess i'll continue to do so. i'm almost 20, i have practically been alive for 20 years.. pretty soon, someone could say, "oh! 20 years ago blah blah blah..." and i could say, "yeah, i was alive then." that's terrible.
valentine's day is coming up, this is going to be my 4th valentine's day with taylor. 4??? that seems pretty long. thing is, it's still okay. when we first started dating, i warned him - i told him that i wasn't good at staying in relationships, i would get bored and slowly push myself away from the people. later i found that other people had warned him, too... like i was some known criminal or some crap. well, i guess i was mistaken. i can remember a few months going by and me being like "i haven't even thought about thinking about maybe not wanting to be with him, this is insaaane!" it's pretty cool, he's a good guy.

i've had a consistant headache for the past two days and i wouldn't mind if it went away.

eighty-five.

2009-01-26T20:08:00.003-05:00

well, that was much more temporary than i had anticipated. i'm glad things are back to normal.. they feel better than normal, though, and i hope that isn't a feeling that just wares off. i would have held off longer if it had been necessary, but i am so happy that that wasn't the case. i just like for the people in my life to be happy, or at least as far from miserable as they can be and i am usually willing to do just about anything to keep them pleased.. i think i do an okay job.
i'm very appreciative of all of my friends. so many people pulled through for me in the past week. no matter how irrelavant the situation seemed to them, they knew it was affecting me a ton and were very understanding of it. plenty of people who i didn't think would be so concerned were and it suprised me and helped me to realize things. thanks for that. kate, allie, and danielle had a sleepover with me friday night and it felt so good to have people dedicating a night to hanging out and, basically, just listening to me be sad. but i just felt happy most of the night, anyway. thanks for that too.

eighty-four.

2009-01-22T22:05:00.004-05:00

"never give up. if you're looking for something easy, you might as well give it up."

i'm sitting here staring at some jammies that i almost wish i didn't own. they're sitting inside a bag filled with things i wish i didn't even have, my cell phone charger included. i know everything will be fine and in given time everything will be back to how it was a few days ago. in the mean time, i just don't want to deal with things being weird. i feel like a different person when this happens, nothing feels the same. and i never know what to do. i just keep reminding myself it's temporary. it still hurts.
some sort of cool news that i found out today.. i can get my early childhood cda for free. i'd take a class, held at my work, 2 nights a week for a couple months. i'm pretty sure cda's don't take long to get as is. but, i guess i might as well, ya know?

eighty-three.

2009-01-20T19:33:00.002-05:00

just, remind me to never wake up again. day after day i let down everyone around me. i can't do it anymore. i hate upsetting the people i care about most.

eighty-two.

2009-01-13T21:30:00.002-05:00

i've got plans for myself. as badly as i am needing to move out of my parents house and live on my own, i feel like i should experience some things first. i've never done much with my life, mostly i just cry and day dream, but i'd like to change that or at least add a few other things to the list of what it is that i do. first, i'll finish saving my money (probably use my tax return) and buy myself a car, again. then my plan starts. i'm going to leave for a month, two, maybe even three. this won't be for awhile, as i have to save enough money to be able to survive, but i can do it. i'm going to go places, i might know where i'm going before i go, i might not... but, i probably will. i know some people around the country, some of whom i know would let me stay with them. i think that while i'm saving money, i'm going to read books about the country, find some neat places to check out. at first my plan was to do this alone, to build up my character or something, now i'm thinking it might be nice to have a fellow needer-of-character-building to go with me. i haven't decided just yet. who knows.. in a week i might decide this is an awful idea, i hope not because this sounds so great to me right now. the best part is, i won't have any obligations, if i plan on going somewhere where i know people and can visit them, i'll call maybe a week, a few days ahead of time.. it might sound rude, but i wouldn't plan to stay with them, just visit.. but this way, if at some point i decide my experience is over and i am ready to come home, i won't feel as though i'm letting someone else down, by not visiting with them as i had promised months earlier.
i'm sure plenty of people do this sort of thing, and it doesn't sound as cool to anyone else as it does to me. but i'm not a cool person, i don't do neat things. i eat at the same places, i talk to the same people, i drive down the same roads, i sleep in the same beds, i see the same animals, the same skies, the same faces all of the time. and i love the places i eat, the people i talk to, the roads i drive down, the beds i sleep in, the animals, the skies, and the faces that i see.. but it would be okay to change those things for a little while. i don't do things alone, i am a baby and depend on everyone around me. i'm awful at reaching out and meeting new people on my own. i think that this would do so much for me, and i would really like to go through with it. i could take pictures, write everything down, and breathe. i wouldn't have a job to worry about. i wouldn't have anything going on, it would be an actual chance to take care of myself, and only myself. and really only keep in contact with the people that i wanted to, when i want to. i wish i still had a car, so i could do this as soon as i get tax money.

eighty-one.

2009-01-07T20:28:00.003-05:00

i was waiting in line, at the movies a few days ago, we were going to see seven pounds. i started to realize that i couldn't see anything but older women with short hair, real short hair, like boy hair.. but i guess in this case - mom hair. i never want to have "mom hair." seven pounds was a real good movie, all i did was bury my face into my scarf and cry.

happy new year.

eighty.

2008-12-25T01:59:00.006-05:00

andy kyle bear me taylor - christmas eve 2006.

it's christmas eve, well i guess morning, and i have everything done that i've needed to have done. i cooked dinner and baked dessert for the friends that i spent christmas eve with. i baked my dad a white chocolate & coconut cake for his birthday, and made white chocolate cupcakes for everyone at my grandmom's who won't want to eat coconut, tomorrow. i sent cards and candycanes home with the kids at work on tuesday and last night taylor and i took gifts to the kids i babysit. the presents i bought are wrapped and under the tree and taylor's xbox 360 is succesfully hooked up in his bedroom. i think that christmas eve and into the morning is the best part of christmastime, it's when i am most excited and feel the best. i think about how everyone's going to react to their presents, even if it's not the coolest most expensive thing, i always try to really think about people when i buy them things.

i've decided that i really like cooking and baking.. not like so much that i would want it to be my profession or anything, but i enjoy making food for people to eat. and for whatever reason i really like tiddying up afterwards. that's probably so weird, oh well.
i haven't had a goodnights sleep in my own bed for at least a week. that might be why i'm still awake right now, despite closing my eyes every 6 seconds at taylor's house, barely an hour ago. maybe, it's because i've grown used to sleeping next to someone in a sea of blankets than alone in a lonely bed. i'm so tired, though.

i hope everyone has a very merry christmas.

seventy-nine.

2008-12-08T16:23:00.002-05:00

vans came in the mail. i'm happy for the next day. pretty sure it's a universal feeling, but getting new things always puts me into a wonderful mood. everythings still good. moneys still tight. and i'm nervous about christmas shopping. i hardly know what i am getting anyone. im pretty irritated with work lately.. since the two 2 year old classrooms were combined i feel like they dont look to me as a head teacher anymore. i mean, its okay because i am still being paid as a teacher with half of the work. but at the same time i was so excited about being in that position and knowing that all of these people had faith in me, that having it taken away is such a hard blow. after christmas i'm saving my money so much and buying a car...... again. my head hurts.

2008-11-25T23:06:00.009-05:00

three years - thank you for being so good to me. i love you.

seventy-seven.

2008-11-03T18:29:00.003-05:00

things feel steady, for the most part. i can't remember the last time i used the word "steady" to explain how i was feeling, well it's nice. work is work and no matter how hard it is, i will deal. my back has been in a funk, i've been having spasms since last saturday. i don't have any health insurance right now, though, so i sort of have to take matters into my own hands. ah well. i need to sort everything out for school, i think tomorrow after work i will make sure that i call. i feel as though things have actually gotten better, as i've said they would for the past 3 years. and i'm happy about that, i don't feel like such a liar anymore. i turn 20 in six months, and that sounds so old to me, i still feel like i'm in ninth grade. or i guess eleventh. i dont know. weird.

seventy-six.

2008-10-16T21:16:00.003-05:00

i need to get it together. i need to think things out before i react however i want to. i have to stop thinking about what's "fair" and start figuring out what's "right" and "best". maybe if i fix myself, finally, everything else will start to become a better version of what it already is. or maybe it won't.. but at least i'll be better. i feel like i have so many good days, and then just a couple awful to take me back a few steps. ugh, i sound like a recovering alcoholic. but really i'm just a jerk, sometimes. well, i'm trying.

seventy-five.

2008-10-13T14:53:00.007-05:00

i have to stop thinking so much about things that will never change. others' pasts haunt me and it's awful. there's absolutely nothing that anyone can do about it; they can't change it, they can't fix it, they can't make it disappear. i wish i were better at brushing things aside and forgetting about them. but sometimes i can't seem to wrap my head around how something was done in the first place, and even if i could, i'm sure i would regret doing so when it's all done with! so, i guess, for now and for always i'll just have to pretend it doesn't bother me. i mean, it's one of those things that no matter how much you express the toll it takes on you, nothing can be done about it. there's really no point in even thinking of it. erase my brain, already, please.

as of late, life is good. keep it up.

seventy-four.

2008-10-01T17:02:00.006-06:00

i'm so on top of my life. had a talk with my boss about taking over another classroom and teaching my kids from last year, we'll see what happens with that. but during the talk i had with her and the kindergarten teacher i was given a decent amount of compliments about how good of a job i did over the summer and how much they like me. that was cool, always nice to hear some good feedback when youre doing something you enjoy. yesterday i called the credit card company and set up a payment plan so that i'm no longer in debt. i'll be done paying off my fine by the end of october. buying a car this weekend, second car, i hope i take better care of it. calling bucks tomorrow to set up an appointment so i can pick my classes for the spring. and then filling out paperwork so that 90% of my schooling is paid for. so my life feels pretty on track lately. we'll see how long it lasts. it's october 1st and the weather is so nice. cool and breezy, pants and a sweater/sweatshirt/longsleeve.

seventy-three.

2008-09-24T20:23:00.007-06:00

FEELIN KINDA LAZY, I DONT LIKE THIS PLACE.

i just ordered such a great surprise for $2 and i can't wait to get it in the mail. i need to get better with my money, i'm never going to get anywhere treating money the way i do. as soon as i have it i spend it, so dumb. all i ever talk about wanting to do is move out, but first i have to buy a new car and pay off my debt. ....so it looks like shopping and going out to eat all the time aren't very good ideas at this point in my life. one day i'll be rich, and i'll buy whatever i please. no, really, i will. my room is a dirthole, there's stuff everywhere. tomorrow after work im going to come home, do my laundry, and clean my room... at least i hope that's what i do. then the season premiere of THE OFFICE. phat. i can never decide what to do with my hair, as soon as i do something new i miss what i had before.. it never ends! i need to sort stuff out for school so i can start in the spring. i really feel like im never going to move out and it's killing me. my mommy comes home tonight and ive missed her. everything sucks, but everything's okay. COOL.

seventy-two.

2008-09-22T18:02:00.008-06:00

i just had the nicest and most relaxed weekend. and i was so sick the entire time. taylor took me on a date which ended up starting my weekend earlier than i thought, we had a sleepover and both took off work on friday because we were sick. i think it was my most enjoyed and stress free weekend in a long time. i loved every second of it, except the coughing. i got to babysit, which i haven't done in awhile and i was so excited all week leading up to it. i had fun.
i'm still sick now, which stinks. i left work an hour early today because i felt sick to my stomach, and i really don't want to go in tomorrow because i'm not feeling much better, but i probably will, because i should. bo's been acting weird, he has a bald spot on his hip and he's been sort of clinging or something. i called the vet and i'm taking him later this week, i hope he's fine. ..my poor little baby. marv's here visiting, i feel bad i think he misses taylor. i guess that's weird to think that a tortoise could be homesick, i mean.. he is in his same tank and everything. he just doesn't seem himself right now either. i think i might just be crazy.

i have ugly skinny eyebrows now. so sad.

seventy-one.

2008-09-17T18:39:00.004-06:00

i wish there were reasons for why i get the way i get.

seventy.

2008-09-06T22:07:00.004-06:00

i miss dancing so much, i feel empty without it. i wish i never quit, even from when i was 7, i wish i just kept with it, instead of taking breaks from it every couple years. i wish that there was more to do with dancing, i love performing, and i don't feel like i could ever be a dance teacher. so if i had gone to school for it like i planned, that would leave me with joining a company for a few years. who knows, maybe that could have lead to something and maybe i would have decided to teach. i just feel like it's too late at this point, if i had stayed with it, then maybe things would be a little different. i should start taking classes though. i just miss it. i dont miss gymnastics so much. well, i miss gymnastics like i miss cheerleading, it was fun. i exercised and stayed in shape doing things that i had a blast doing, i do miss that.

i guess i just miss performing.

sixty-nine.

2008-09-04T19:32:00.004-06:00

our one air conditioner broke, and you wouldn't believe the difference it makes. i'm sitting in my underwear and i still cant escape the heat. all i have to cool me off, at all, is some jones soda. what happened to the cold nights?
i feel sort of stuck again. i mean, i moved up in my job and i'm getting a new car soon. but everything else feels the same. and not really in a good way. i guess it's good that nothing else has gotten worse, but i wish something would get better, so that i could be reassured. i don't feel good.

i miss having a best friend. it gets lonely.

sixty-eight.

2008-08-30T13:46:00.002-06:00

"yellow hair, you are such a funny bear. slender fingers would hold me, slender limbs would hold me. and you could say my name like you knew my name. i could stay here, become someone different. i could stay here, become someone better."
i've been listening to cat power so much lately.

well, my car's done for. it will cost $1800 to fix it.. which is $600 more than what i bought it for. no thanks. so i'm buying a new one, probably this coming weekend. i drove by my car sitting at the shop yesterday and i got real sad. it looked so lonely. i liked that car for what it was. i'll miss it alot.

i feel like i've been stand-offish lately. i'm not sure how to explain it anymore than just that. i don't want to be so dependent, i sort of just want to be alone. but i can't allow myself to do that, because i know that if i isolate myself.. it just won't be a good idea. i never do good when i am alone, but i so easily begin to lean on people for support, and i don't like that. i don't like the idea that if people start to walk away i will fall. i want to know that i will be able to stand alone and have that be enough.. if it were to come to that. i don't want to be alone, but i want to know that i could be and i would still be okay. my stomach hurts, it's hurt all week. i've just felt so lousy.

i love the weather in the beginning of the fall. but my mind always gets so crazy and sad. i'm not sure why, but, it happens every year. maybe this year it won't be so bad.

sixty-seven.

2008-08-26T21:55:00.002-06:00

this year is going to be so nice, with work at least. i hope. it seems like everyone at the daycare is real supportive of me teaching, if anyone is bitter it's the catty girls that i don't care for anyway. i'm proud of myself, i feel like my hard work and dedication to my job is really paying off. i thought i was going nowhere with this job, for so long. i'm scared and happy for september 2nd, that's when i get my new kids and everything is official. but knowing that so many people are willing and able to help me as i need it, is so reassuring, and i hadn't felt that so much at this job until now.
aside from my car, and never having money, a lot of stuff feels better right now. i think my relationships with people are better. and i think that, in large part, has to do with me paying more attention to my attitude and outlook. after i realized how badly my moods were taking a toll on the people around me, i basically had a sit-down with myself to really figure this out. if i find that i really do need help, i will get it. but i want to actually try it on my own, first. and right now i feel as if i'm doing a good job. i've had a bad few days, but i try my hardest to not let that carry on any farther past those days than it needs to. i still let my mind get the best of me, i don't think i'll ever get that right. but i try not to show it so much. i've always worn my emotions on the outside, and didn't care who saw. i shouldn't do that so much anymore, because my emotions are never so pretty. i want people to think i'm pretty, inside at least. i used to be nice and i was friends with everyone. i don't mind not being SO friendly now, people take advantage too much. so a little hate never hurt anyone. actually, i changed my mind, i'll hate all i want. but i need to stay good to my friends. which i think i've always done. but i guess i'll be good to me now too, for their sake.

i want to move out it won't happen until, probably the spring. i still have to pay off capital one, and that is turning out to be a bigger pain in the tush than i thought it would be. but, i should probably start looking for people to live with me now, so i'm ready when the time comes.

sixty-six.

2008-08-24T17:12:00.002-06:00

"I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE. HALF OF IT IS INNOCENT, THE OTHER HALF IS WISE."

like clockwork, as soon as everything is looking up, it comes crashing right back down. my car is broken. i owned it, it was mine. my first real thing, my freedom, my step forward into getting what i want out of life. and now it's done for. i'm so sad, i'm frusterated, i'm anxious, i'm nervous, and i'm let down... OVERWHELMED. whatever.

sixty-five.

2008-08-18T21:10:00.005-06:00

just call me teach.

i'm teaching now. that rules. not much more money, but still cool. i'm 19 and i am going to be a teacher. granted it's for 2 year olds, it's not like i'm teaching 2nd grade. but for now it'll do.

i can't wait to get out of debt and save up and move out. woot.

everything feels so alright, right now. nice.

sixty-four.

2008-08-12T21:04:00.001-06:00

i cant believe bo is 3.

sixty-three.

2008-07-19T14:07:00.002-06:00

I MISS WHAT WE HAD. I NEED YOU SO BADLY.

you should have seen me smiling, like the world was mine. she used to call me baby, softly sometimes. but if i dwell on those days too long i feel like my life is over, and thats no good.
so lets move on to the part where i start to sense her distance. i panic and hold on tighter that makes it worse. how am i supposed to take it when she says, "this is something im going through, its got nothing to do with you."

sixty-two.

2008-07-13T23:28:00.002-06:00

STEADY AND FAITHFUL AS MY ANCHOR.

i've been thinking a lot again. i never think it's good when i think a lot, because the outcome is always the same - i feel crappier about myself. but this time, that was okay. right now, i have the right outlook, and i think i'll hold onto it. usually as soon as the feeling of peace comes it goes. and i'm left feeling empty, frustrated, and confused. i'm sorting out my money issues, and as hard as it is to be getting rid of money the second i have it, to pay off debts, it's okay because i know sooner than later i'll be able to have everything paid off. and i think i'm beginning to see things more realistically. i don't like it so much, only because i've always liked to day dream, but when the dreamings done and i see reality, it's always a big drop to the bottom. so i guess it's fine that i'm seeing things for what they really are now.

sixty-one.

2008-07-09T21:49:00.001-06:00

nevermind.

nothing in my life is ever going to change. i'm going to stay miserable. and i'll always be alone.

sixty.

2008-07-08T18:38:00.002-06:00

i'm quitting my job. my last day will probably be somewhere between august 1st and august 8th. i know you will never love, or even tolerate, every single person you work with, but i like to think that it's possible to not despise the majority of them. i work with two women, grown women; one with the worst work ethic i've ever witnessed and the other, i can't even come up with words for the other one. everything i watch the two of these women do boggles my mind, i can't begin to comprehend what makes them think anything that they do is normal or okay. if i go into full detail this will be a 2 hour rant, i know for a fact, it has happened before. ugh, i can't wait to leave.
well, now i need to find a new job. i like to think it won't be too hard, i'll have some time off, and knowing that soon there will be no more paychecks, i think i'll be more motivated. and i've never been paid real well, so i doubt it's impossible to find better pay. ah well.

hellman.

fifty-nine.

2008-05-28T18:38:00.002-06:00

i'm starting to feel okay with me screwing up so badly. my whole life, i've tried my hardest to be "the good" kid in my family. and i always gave myself that label. it was my defense, anytime i was reprimanded, for anything, i was always so quick to remind my parents about all the things i have done right, and how i had the fewest screw ups. ..i can't really play that card anymore. and in the real world, who's going to care about how good of a kid i was? when i go look for apartments, houses, anywhere to give.. they're going to give 2 shits that my parents were able to trust me all through high school. all they're going to want to know is what kind of credit i have and that i have a steady income. well, my credit is terrible. and i work fulltime, yet i'm always broke. any bigger steps i take in life, it will be nice for ME to know that i was a fairly well-behaved kid. but for anyone else, all that will matter is who i am, now.

it's time to buckle down. i've been saying it for the past 2 + years. but it's time, now. i've finally comprehended how much i am messing myself up for the future. this is the stuff that matters. it sucks, but it's time to be an adult. i need to budget my money, i need to keep my head straight and think before i act. i can't go on luck, i never could. i don't know why, for the past couple months, i thought luck was finally on my side.

nothing's going to go my way, unless i make it. i've never had the type of life where opportunities just fell into my lap. if i ever wanted anything, i had to prepare myself to work for it. for whatever reason i thought life got easier, i don't know where my mind was, but it wasn't where it should have been.

onto, i guess, another topic..
i've been thinking a lot about my future, like far into my future. and i'm nervous. i'm so unhappy, always. and i believe in depression and ADD and ADHD and anxiety and all the things that people sometimes doubt and think are just "excuses" for someone to be a certain way. the part that scares me, is that they're chemical imbalances.. and i haven't looked into it, but i'm pretty sure hereditary. i don't want to pass this on to someone else. i don't ever want to parent a child who is this unhappy and unsure about everything in their life. i don't know if that's a weird thing to think about. but, i guess, working with kids makes me think this way. i think about how i'll raise my children and how i think they'll act. they're all so innocent and stuck in their way. i don't ever want to watch my own child go from feeling so okay about the world, to feeling so stuck and miserable, all of the time, no matter how good the people around them treat them.
i don't want to get old, i look at anyone who is old, and i get depressed and scared. i never want to be middle-aged. people seem so stressed out and unhappy. their kids are grown/growing up. they, themselves, are getting old. i guess when you get there, it's worth it. but right now it seems like such a scary place, especially for someone who's so unhappy at 19. i never want to be so old that i'm waiting to die. i never want to lose someone i've spent the majority of my life with day after day. i guess it's better, if you've had kids, and they've had kids, and you're surrounded by them. but that still must be so hard. whatta baby, right?

well, anyway.. i guess i'm really determined to be better now.

fifty-eight.

2008-05-08T19:52:00.002-06:00

everyday i drive to work. i drive home for my break. i drive back to work. i drive home again. everytime i drive either to or from work, i pass a farm and a pond. i see little baby geese and ducks, they're so cute. and i see baby sheep, they're so cute too. one is a cow-sheep, that's what i call it. it has cow markings, but it's a sheep. anyway, that's usually.. mostly.. the only good part of my day.

i hate that one day can be so good, and the next week feel so so bad. what's even bad about my life? i don't know, not much. but i'm so miserable. i don't know what to change, other than myself. i feel like i've tried to change myself so many times, and everytime i succeed i still manage to fail, in that i haven't changed into anything better.

somedays i want to leave. go somewhere new. leave everything behind. i couldn't ever do that. i'm too dependent. i think i'm actually finally losing that. i'm letting go of holding onto people, if that makes sense. i think i finally feel a little bit okay doing some things alone.

i can't even find words, half the time, to explain how i feel. i just know i don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life - lost.

fifty-seven.

2008-04-13T23:27:00.002-06:00

wednesday morning: my mom told me that my grandpop was put on hospice. i knew he wasn't doing very good, so it wasn't much of a shock.. just sucked a lot.

wednesday night: my mom told me that one of the hospice nurses told me aunt that he only had a few weeks left in him. it broke my heart. it took me way too long to get close to my grandparents.. i only started the past few years, actually. and he's been sick for about the past 10. so i wrote my last entry and i couldn't stop crying.

thursday afternoon: i came home for my break. my dad came by and was in a rush. i quickly asked him how late the nursing home is open so i could go visit my grandpop, to which he replied "i wouldn't worry about it.. i don't think he's making it past today." i broke down. i went back to work late, with the help of people moving around their rooms, they let me leave early. i went and saw him, when the rest of my family didn't think i should, since he wasn't looking good. they way i saw it, if i went, and couldn't take it.. i could always leave. but if i didn't go, and never saw talked to him again, i would never be able to change that. he wasn't responsive at all. i hated seeing everyone so sad. i sat with him for awhile and talked to my aunts and uncles and my grandmom. my poor grandmom.

friday early evening: i called my dad while i was at work to see how my grandpop was doing, he said he seemed better. he was responsive, talking a little bit, awake sometimes. i left work 20minutes early so i could talk to him. when i got there, he woke up. he smiled at me and tried to say hi, he looked better. he smiled at me and i was so happy. my cousin left and my mom showed up, he didn't wake up. we were talking about something, and he raised his eyebrows all funny, because he liked what we were talking about. i laughed. i sat with him for awhile, and held his hand. i told him i loved him, kissed his forehead, and said goodbye.

saturday morning: i woke up to my mom asking me to clean the house with my sister, she was running around getting ready to leave. i asked her where she was going, she said my dad wanted his cell phone. then i asked how my grandpop was doing after i left, she said that he was okay, but that's how people are when they're passing - somedays good, somedays bad. i told her it didn't matter, as long as he had a good night. then i told her that i was going to jersey for a show and sleeping at danielle's house. she got real mad at me. we started fighting. i told her that i saw him the last 2 days and would go again before i left for jersey. she said "they're probably taking him to the funeral home, he wouldn't be there later." i asked what the hell she was talking about and she said "i woke you up this morning. i told you. grandpop passed at 7 o'clock this morning." every piece of my insides dropped into my stomach.

i spent the day at my grandmom's. and ended up going to the show after. she wanted everyone to leave so she could have some time alone, and i didn't think i would do well with sitting at home all night just thinking. i'm glad i went, it helped alot to have people around me. tay and i slept at joe's last night. i think i sort of needed that too. just someone to sit there/lay there with me. plus i was tired. tonight will be hard. it's already 2am, i don't feel too tired. i'm scared to lay down and think.

i'm glad you smiled at me on friday. i'm so glad i saw you. i hate that you're not here. i miss you. and i love you. you were so great to me, and i'm still sorry that it took me so long to get to know you. wednesday is going to be so hard...

fifty-six.

2008-04-09T20:05:00.002-06:00

goodbye.

it took us way too long to get to know eachother. i'm sorry that i'll probably never know you as well as i could have. i want to spend the next few weeks living by your bedside, spending every second with you. truth is, i'm scared. you were never mean to me. i don't know why i always thought the two of you hated me, i just never knew what happened before, so things seemed different. you were the best. you still are. i remember before everything happened with you, when you were still a big guy.. you were so big. it was all at the old house. you used to tell me that you had a sweet tooth and it was special and you could take it out of your mouth.. then you'd pull it out. i tried to do that for years, haha, i only recently remembered and figured out what it really was. and you used to have those casino games in your house, but i'm pretty sure i always had to put the money back.. maybe not. either way, it was so fun. and the big swings on the porch, that was such a fun house. i was so little. i don't know why i never tried to have a better relationship with you. i regret that so much, i want to be close to you. i'm so sorry. thanks for always have sorbet for me, since noone could ever get me to eat anything else when i came over. i miss you already. i just want to give you a big hug that never stops. this isn't fair. and i don't know how to handle only having you around for a few more weeks.. and knowing that. i love you so much. i really do. i don't know what she's going to do without you. you're so in love with eachother. over the past few months everytime i had to watch you say goodbye and not know when you would see eachother again, it broke my heart. you're the best people i know. and i can't stand the thought of losing one of you. i love you. hold on just a little longer, if you can, i need more time with you.

fifty-five.

2008-04-07T21:02:00.002-06:00

whatever.

my birthday is in just about 2weeks. nineteen. nothing new.

i want a new job. and i need to write out a budget so that i can know how much money i need to make sure i have each month to pay things off. i still have no health insurance. why is it so expensive? i just want to be given a couple pills when i get sick so it doesn't last for 3 weeks like this past, whatever i had, did. ...and then i want to move out. PLZ.

owning a car is so great. last night my dad said "i'll tell you what, leave now and you won't have to pay off the car." ..if i had somewhere else to live i would have taken him up on that offer. dang.

taylor's still a nice boyfriend. :)

fifty-four.

2008-04-02T11:47:00.002-06:00

toilet paper. so you're peeing and/or pooping on the toilet, you finish, time to wipe! you're down to the last little bit of toilet paper, but it's just the right amount for you to be clean enough to go. so you use it, and you leave an empty roll.. i can understand this, you just suck and you're really lazy. NBD, right? right. OKAY. so this time you finish and it's time to wipe. BUT, you don't have enough toilet paper to get the job done. sooo, you use what's left and you get out a new roll. HOWEVER, you fail to throw out the empty one and put the full one on the holder and you just leave it sitting on the counter. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES IT TAKE TO DO THIS? i hate it. it kills me everytime.

anyway, i have a car. that's cool. i got accepted to bucks. i need to take my placement tests and stuff. noone seems to be that proud of me for taking the initiative to apply. i mean, i guess to most people it's no big feat. OOOH COMMUNITY COLLEGE, YOU'RE REAL COOL. well, i am real cool. that was a big step for me. i am awful and going ahead and doing these sort of things on my own. i get anxious and i want to barf. but i did it. i committed to going back to school, back to having homework... full time, and at night, so that i can work full time to save money and pay my way through school. i am going to be pretty busy, i suppose. but i'm finally determined to do what i have to to make my life better. and right now, this seems to be it.

i think i'm quitting my job soon. after i find a new one, of course. i don't like it. there's no organization, i don't make good money.. those are just two on the laundry list of things making me want to leave. i think i want to teach elementary school one day, though. right now, i think i just might want a desk job. like a secretary or something. it could be cool.

i joined the gym, i just can't take classes yet.. 'cause i didn't pay. ha. i'm really excited though. i like working out, i'm just bad at doing it on my own at home. they have a dance studio there too, so that would be nice if i could get back into dance. all i'd do is ballet and maybe pointe. i'd totally be into modern and lyrical if they had that, but they don't. it will feel so good to be doing something, again.

i think sprinkles lost weight, that sucks. she still snores though. fattie.

WTF. this has been pretty optimistic.
well, have a good day. 'cause i sort of am.
it's so nice outside. :)

fifty-three.

2008-03-19T21:12:00.002-05:00

"just tryin to get somewhere. just end up getting by."

i'm losing my mind right now.

fifty-two.

2008-03-16T23:08:00.004-05:00

i've felt pretty okay the past couple days. i still want to get help, i think, 'cause it's not like this isn't a continuous pattern. but a lot has been sorted out, and as difficult as it seemed at first, it's okay. i'm okay. things are feeling better and not so hopeless. i like not feeling hopeless...

fifty-one.

2008-03-14T23:35:00.001-05:00

i think about calling it quits every day of my life.

fifty.

2008-03-12T02:11:00.003-05:00

i want to go away. i need life to stop for awhile.
a break from it, for things to get better.

forty-nine.

2008-03-04T23:11:00.002-05:00

i'm scared that you were happier before me. and i'm scared that it's because of me and not just some coincidence. i feel so sick to my stomach. all i can think about is going to work tomorrow, and how i feel like i'm in no shape at all. i want to come see you right now. i just want to feel like this is what you want, again.

i'm tired of doing this. of feeling so down on myself. not believing that there's any good. why can't i just accept something for what it is, and leave it at that? why can't i just take it? i always have to fight things and think that they aren't what they seem. it's tearing my apart, i can't keep feeling this way.

i need to stop letting you down. i need to stop letting everyone down. i can't get anything right. why can't i just.. make everything better?

help.

forty-eight.

2008-03-02T23:39:00.002-05:00

as upset as i get about things, the worst part is knowing that you're usually feeling the same way.

thanks for not giving up.

forty-seven.

2008-02-28T00:27:00.004-05:00

things are weird. all the time. i am going to get help, i think. because i think i need something. something bigger than someone to lean on. all i see is bad. i don't trust anyone, i've realized that i don't think anyone who talks to me has any good intentions. i can't find the things that make me feel okay. i want to get help. i've never wanted help like this before. i'm ready to not be so stubborn. i'm ready to understand that this is something to help me, not to change me, not to hurt me.. to help me.
i always get these feelings, i've had them ever since i can remember. and the only way i can describe it is "i don't feel like myself." they used to be few and far between, now i get them at least everyday. and it makes me feel so uneasy. it's just a bad feeling, and i don't feel okay, and i don't feel right. maybe getting help will make that go away.

jesus christ, i'm not scared to die. i'm a little bit scared of what comes after.

forty-six.

2008-02-13T00:18:00.003-05:00

nothing's getting better. it never will. i can't do this anymore. i'm tired of the same thing all the time, i can't get better. i feel like every bit of good i had left, is slipping away. i'm losing.

dammit.

forty-five.

2008-02-04T22:56:00.000-05:00

so perfect, i miss you roogiepie.

i just want to feel at peace with things, and i don't think i ever will. i'm not at home here. things are never good. they are such a family without me, i feel so out of place. i can't keep doing this. i can't stay here. i need to have a car and i need to move out. before the fall, i think it really needs to happen before the fall. i'm losing every ounce of faith and hope and optimism. i'm not going to have anything left. i can't do this. i can't stay here. i can't.

forty-four.

2008-01-22T14:47:00.001-05:00

why won't anything change? i'm a liar. i've said time and time again, "things will change, they'll get better." well, they haven't. i'm sorry. i was convinced that by now, things would be falling into place. maybe it's not up to us anymore, maybe we need someone else's help. maybe just you need someone else's help or maybe just i do. either way, we need help. it's not okay to feel this way all of the time. i know it's a sad world, but i know there's good in it, too. i want to see the good. i am exhausted, my heart needs to be put in a better place. i can't spend all my time seeing the bad and the sad, anymore. it's too much. i am eighteen. why can't i feel that way? i try too much, i don't want to try anymore. i want to give up. i don't want to give up, i just feel like it's the only thing left. i want someone to reach out a hand, and help. actually help, not just want to. wanting to help is good, this isn't a diss at you if you have wanted to help me. it's hard to help when you don't know what's wrong. i don't blame you. this is me. this was me before you. and this will be me, until... i dono't know. hopefully not forever. i hope you're always there. i doubt things sometimes, lots of things, most times i don't say it outloud, because i know i am just being... me.
you're the only person who sees me for me. you like the things about me, that i hate the most. and you stay. you stay with me all of the time. no matter what i am doing. and i'm sorry for not always being good, i know it gets to be a lot. but i feel so, not in the right place all of the time. it's hard to act okay when you don't feel okay. thankyou. thankyou for not giving up on me. thankyou for staying by me. thankyou for making me feel okay. just, thankyou.
i like listening to music that makes me think of the winter of 2005. i think that that was the best time of my life. so much change was happening. but so much of it was the best change of my life.

fall 2008... if things aren't looking better by then, i will lose any hope i have left.

forty-three.

2008-01-22T13:37:00.000-05:00

my only good thing. my only constant.

forty-two.

2008-01-07T02:18:00.000-05:00

i can't stop crying. and it's literally for everyone. for anytime anyone has ever felt helpless, useless, or any word with the idea of "less" to it.

fuck.

forty-one.

2007-12-27T00:30:00.000-05:00

it feels so good when people show they care. it feels even better when people haven't changed.

christmas.. it didn't even feel like christmas. this year was rough, financially for my family... well, in a lot of ways too, but i'm talking finance right now. every year is hard, money-wise, but this year was worse.. i thought. i didn't expect anything and i didn't ask for anything. taylor bought me a nice coat and he's going to buy reign over me, for me too. i saw him a lot more before he left, than i thought i would. so that was real nice. taylor's mom bought me earrings and a little purse. his dad and step-mom bought me a $50 gift card to h&m. my grandmom, despite so many things, gave me $200. jamie gave me nose-rings. christopher and natasha gave me a little teaset, some movies, a book, and candy. my mom and my dad gave me victorias secret perfume, socks, and $300. both times i opened up card to find $200 and then $300, i came close to crying, but held back because i didn't want to upset anyone else. i don't know why anyone gave me that much money.. and i know to some people, that isn't a big deal. but i am grateful for what i am given, especially considering who it is from. i woke up christmas morning, and immediately the fighting began. i lost my temper, and that set the pace for the day. my mom and dad fought about me, throught the morning. i wanted to die. i literally, was waiting to just die. i know, so dramatic. i went to see my grandpop and the hospital, and had there not been so many people there, i would have had to leave to go cry. i regret never getting close to any family.

i didn't really feel like making this long. but, i do complain all the time. and i thought it was needed... for me to explain that i do appreciate everything good that i have. i just feel like there is a lot that needs to change, most of which is up to me.

i'm convinced. things can be okay. things will be okay. i won't be like this forever, and i won't be here forever. my life is going to change and it is going to get better. and i am going to feel okay about where i am, what i am doing, who i am with, and how it's all happening.

thank you for reading, thank you for caring. really.

forty.

2007-12-20T03:06:00.000-05:00

i don't want this to be my future. i'm scared to end up the same way my family has. we're okay. but that's it. we are only okay. we're just getting by, all of the time, in every aspect of the word. whether it be money, relationships, health.. we are always.. just. getting. by. i can't do this forever. i need it to change. i need to feel better about where i am going. this is all i have ever witnessed life to be, i need to see that it can be something more. i am convinced, at this point, that this is all i will amount to. i feel terrible saying this, like my mom isn't a wonderful person... she is. i just don't want to end up in her position..

i was never scared to love people. lately i've been getting there. i can't stand my dad, my mom loves him. i don't want to marry someone like him.. i don't think i will.. but people can change. i don't know, i'm just scared. i don't want my life to be like this. no one's happy. i need to leave. i need to see something better.

i need to know that people can last, that people can be happy, that people can make it.. i need to know that i can make it. i have no faith in myself. i have little faith left, at all.

i just need someone to care. i don't know..

thirty-nine.

2007-12-04T00:56:00.000-05:00

i know i should be, but i just can't get it to happen. i can't be happy, at least not for long. i always feel so useless. i don't make things better, for anyone. i make everything harder. i feel like nothing's worth it anymore. i'm so exhausted. i can't figure out what to do with my life, and time is moving too fast. i'm so scared of where everything's going. i don't even know where to start. i just want to be better. i want to feel better. i just want better, for everyone. "i can't do this anymore" crosses my mind too many times a day. i just want to give up.

i don't get it, i don't know why i do this - why i get so fucking upset over nothing. it just seems that no matter how hard i try, things won't get better for anyone or myself.

i don't know what i want to do in life. i need to feel like i am useful, so far i don't.

ugh, i'm going go to bed.

thirty-eight.

2007-11-29T00:29:00.001-05:00

i just read a few posts from a little over a year ago, and i feel discouraged. i kept talking about how i would be moved out by now, at a school doing something great, and living with people who made me happy all of the time... hopefully in philly. none of that has happened. i am at home, car-less, working 40 hours a week. i'm just sick of reading over things and never being happy. i wasn't happy then, but i was certain that i would be happy within the next year. and here i am, the same. i haven't made anyone's life any better. i don't feel wanted. it's been 2 years of me convincing myself and the people around me that "the better days are close. things are going to be better soon." ...well, they haven't yet. i'm not miserable, i'm not. i just can't seem to get myself to relax and realize that things are okay. i'm convinced that i am what's holding everyone back. and the fact that no one else is happy, is what is keeping me down.

i feel like everyone else is moving forward and i am stuck. i am always going to be stuck. i'm always going to be here, and i am always going to feel this way. i'm stopping while i'm ahead. i can't do this, not right now. i don't feel like panicking tonight.

thirty-seven.

2007-10-16T00:45:00.000-05:00

i've moved on to a new kind of pain. it's not for me anymore, it's not self-pity, and it's not bitterness. it's the kind of pain you feel when you know that someone you care about is at one of their lowest points and isn't happy at all, losing hope. and you know that there isn't much you can do but stand by them, just like you have in the past.

this is one of the worst pains i've ever had. i can deal when i'm upset about my own problems. but i hate for anyone else to ever feel the way i have, or worse.

i can't stop crying right now. and i can't stop being so angry at any person who has ever hurt you. i just want you to be able to see what i see. because i don't see a monster, not at all.

i hate for anyone to hurt. i hate for strangers to feel sad. i hate to think about people i've never even met feeling a single bad feeling. i hate that there are people who exist who can't even realize the crap that they are putting someone through.

humans are the worst. i need to go to bed.

thirty-six.

2007-09-20T20:48:00.000-06:00

ah fuck it. i have been in such a good mood all night. for no reason at all. just happy and cheerful, it ruled. and then out of nowhere i just started thinking, and thinking, and then getting bummed out. i don't even know what i start thinking about half of the time, but whatever it is, i get sad. i hate not knowing things. even more so when i don't know whether i'd rather know all about it, or just stick with knowing only minimum details like i currently do. sometimes i think i'd rather everything just be out there, so that i could know and always know, and when i get uneasy i would know whether i'm being unreasonable or not. even though i'm sure i'd mostly just be unreasonable. i'm such a fucking retarded, swear to god. i suck.

my new job is starting to take it's toll on me. i am exhausted when i get home. i need to tell wendy that i'm not going to work past this tuesday at the gym.

nothing seems consistent anymore. everything's always really up or really down.

my thoughts are going a mile a minute. damnit.

thirty-five.

2007-09-08T23:37:00.000-06:00

i started a new job this week, i love it so much. i love working with kids, and 2 year olds rule! they're still super cute like babies, but they can talk to you too! and when you can't understand them, if you just say "OH YEAH!?" they keep going. it's awesome. i just need to get some full time hours so that i can make lotsa money and get a car.

things never change with my family. i feel like i'm truly alone in this house. my mom comes around every so often, it seems to be whenever my dad's not around, but she's still not there as frequent as i'd like. my sister and i have not been getting along at all lately, and as upset as it makes me, it doesn't bother me just as much. i don't understand her, and as much as i want to say it's us being petty. it's been this way my entire life, and i've always felt like she deliberately tries to hurt me. i feel like she is trying to put herself on a higher pedestal and to get there she has to take me down. my dad, ever since i could talk he has been against me. it hurts, he has never taken the time to talk to me or get to know me in any way. he's the only dad i have, there's not some other person i can go to and call dad. he's it, and it stinks.

i miss christopher so much. he's the only person who i feel like i can talk to and he gets it. and he actually cares, and he has something to say in response. whether it's about how happy he is for me, or a way to make myself happier. he's always been there.

i just feel like any other time that i try to talk, about anything, noone wants to hear it.

blah, i don't know.

i want to be moved/moving out by this time next year. just a nice little apartment. i don't want to live by myself, though. i don't think that that would be a very smart plan. so, if you want a roommate, let me knooow. LOL.

i just want to get past this point. i feel like i've been so stuck. with all of the same unhappiness, i want it to go away. and i want to feel better. and i think that once i have my car and i'm able to come and go. and also whenever i move out. with time i'll start to feel happy again.

i have a good job.
i need a car.
i need to save money.
i would like to move out.

thirty-three.

2007-07-15T20:06:00.000-06:00

i don't feel good. i'm real frustrated, with a lot.

it's weird. i feel like i've done everything in my life, the wrong way. like i've just gone about things completely the opposite than i should have. i don't get it. i usually don't feel regret, and i still don't. but i feel like i should feel regret or something. it's so confusing. and it makes me just want to hide. i can never pinpoint what it is that makes me sad/upset. unless someone is yelling at me or something. and this is no different. i'm not sure what it is or why, i just feel unsure.

sometimes i just want a second shot, to try everything all over. but there are 2 reasons that, if given the opportunity, i am pretty sure i would pass. 1) i like some things about where i am, and they are too good to give up, just to try and make other things better. & 2) i don't feel like going through certain bullshit again. so, even if starting over were an option.. it wouldn't really be one.

i wish it were easier to talk to people about these things. i never want to bring people down by going on & on & on about my issues, or lack there of. and even more so, i don't want to frustrate or confuse them because i can't even explain myself. ..like, i don't even know what my deal is, how could i even try to talk to someone else about it. it really sucks to not be able to talk about shit.. no matter how badly you want to.

it's scary. i was at such a crappy point, before taylor came along. and he really helped to pull me out of it. and even though i sometimes feel like i'm in a real bad spot.. i know that things are at least okay, because he's still around and he cares. and i'm scared for what i would feel like if he weren't. it's nice to think of it like "ohhhh, you saved me, how lovely." but that's scary, like... i had to be saved? and i don't mean this bad. i love taylor, so much. and i am so happy to have him in my life as my boyfriend and as my best friend because he is the best. but it's just a weird thing, to think that someone sort of, saved you or whatever....

i don't know.. i still don't feel good.

thirty-two.

2007-07-11T21:22:00.000-06:00

i got a job. it's at newyork&company. i went in for orientation today, i don't know when i actually start. i think it's going to be really weird/kinda hard to get used to. oh well. today, i got my license. yeahp, it took me until i was 18 to get that. whatever, i have it now. i just need to get a car.

i've been making sure to put myself on better terms with people. it's nicer, to not be worrying about stuff so much. i'm just sick of seeing people get walked all over. so i defend them, and i guess, ultimately bring myself into those situations.... yeah.

i always get bad feelings. and then i get real sad. it's weird and frustrating... i don't know.

thirty-one.

2007-06-20T21:13:00.000-06:00

well, i graduated and that rules. definitely didn't see that happening. hopefully i will be able to change my habits next year, with college, and not procrastinate so much.
summer is upon us and i am very happy. i'm all done with my first real job in a week, after 3 years of the same thing. i'm glad i didn't quit in the middle of the year as i would have liked to many of times. the end came soon enough, just like i kept telling myself. and now i won't be leaving on bad terms, and (god forbid) if i ever change my mind, they will most likely take me back. i realized alot about working there, however, over the last month. for instance, i started being treated much differently after a certain incident a little less than 2years ago that didn't pertain to anyone of the people who began treating me differently. i don't like that they were such nosey people who would bring themselves into other people's business and then allow that to effect the way that they were treating others. i don't know, it's what you get for working with all girls. ...so yeah, having no job and then a new job will be weird.
i'm always so nervous about everything. i think too much, and it always gets the best of me. and i bring people down. noone wants to be around me anymore and that's a crappy feeling. but basically, i guess it's all on me.... i have a headache, and it's not going away.

i need to use this again.

thirty.

2007-03-17T17:14:00.000-06:00

i sat at home all day today.

there was a specific reason i had my day filled with things to do. to keep myself busy. so that my mind couldn't wonder and i wouldn't get upset. well, i did nothing, yet another reason i hate snow.

i got inside my head, just like i knew i would. i was okay for the first few hours. until 5-ish.

i'm not happy. i try to be. and i try to be satisfied with things exactly how they are. but i'm not.

nobody wants me around.

i don't think people understand exactly how unwanted i feel. and it's always been that way.

i don't want to care anymore.

i'm really upset right now. i feel like i'm failing at everything. and it's a terrible feeling.

i'm no good.

twenty-nine.

2007-03-13T22:30:00.000-06:00

i'm no good at speaking up for what i want.

i have no beliefs on politics, religion, society, etc. none. i don't know where i stand with anything. i don't know what kind of person i am. if i care, or if i don't. i change each day. and that is getting harder and harder to deal with. i don't know how to react to situations. i always want to put the people i care most about, before myself. but that begins to take it's toll after some time. i don't want to be selfish. but i want to find that happy median. ..that happy median is always so hard to find.

i don't know.. FTW.

twenty-eight.

2007-03-07T23:31:00.000-05:00

my senior year is winding down. and i'm not ready. i haven't even handed in my grad. project yet. i feel more behind than everyone else. i feel like most people at least have an idea about what they want to do with their lives. and i don't, at all. and i know that it's okay, that most people don't know what they want to do for the rest of their lives at the age of 18. and even if they do, they usually change their minds. but even a little bit of an idea would be okay for me to have. right now, i just know that i like hanging out with kids. cool.

i'm going to be 18 in a little over a month. WTF?! i don't think anyone looks at me, or sees the way i behave and thinks "mature." i know i that just because society will now view me as an adult, that doesn't mean that i, all of a sudden, have to drop my childhood and immediatly take on loads of responsability. i would just like to feel as if i am on the right track.

i don't think i ever took anything serious enough. i mean, i have stressed over school on many accounts, i always knew it would matter later on. but i never fully committed myself, it has always been a "next year it will be better" kind of thing. i am still doing that. i keep insisting that i am more of a "college person" than a "high school kid." this could be a correct assumption, but just as easily i could be wrong.

i am just scared that i am going to make the wrong choices and end up in a bad spot and not able to fix it.

there are things i want to do next year, with my life, not just school, but i'm not sure where other people who would be involved stand. and so i am still nervous to say anything. i don't know. it's weird.

sometimes, i get into my head a lot. and i mess with my mind. it's annoying, i get extremely worked up over things that don't matter. i start to get anxious about everything, it's weird as shit and i hate it.

i'm starting to isolate myself a lot, again. at least from the people i see on an everyday basis.

i miss my brother.

and my half-brother, who keeps saying he will come visit. but he probably never will. and the only way that i will ever see him again is if i take a trip down to georgia and call him and tell him that i am there. even then he'd probably be too busy to catch up.

thankyou for dealing with me, through everything. i know i'm not perfect or anywhere near. but you treat me like i am. and you make my life easier than i could have ever imagined it being. you da bomb.

twenty-seven.

2007-01-24T21:49:00.000-05:00

i'll write this in here, because i only want the people who will care / understand to read it. i know more people than will read this, care about me. but it comes down to who is actually going to understand where i am comming from and will help me out a bit.
what it comes down to, is that my family doesn't like me.. honestly. i am not a bad person.. i don't do drugs, i don't drink, i don't throw parties, my parents almost always know where i really am, i have a job, i'm not completely failing school, i do extra curricular activities.. i do my part. granted, i am a bum sometimes. i complain when i am asked to help out. but really, who doesn't ever complain? this other kids in my family have.. had warrants out for their arrest and haven't come home to visit for 5+ years, thrown house parties while my family was away, snuck out to meet their boyfriends, done multiple amounts of drugs, stolen my parents beer, and shit of the same content. this isn't a low-blow to anyone in my family, people have their downsides, and i know that i am not a perfect. i can be a bitch and i can be lazy. however, that is not an every day occasion.
when i am with my family i tend to feel like the outcast. nobody ever seems to want me around, find me interesting, or find me funny. we recently went out to dinner and a discussion of my sister's myspace came up, yeah, we talked about myspace. she was saying she needs help designing hers, so trying to be funny i say, "yeah, because nobody likes your myspace." the table turns to me with a look of disgust and of course my dad mumbles, but fairly clear & loud, "figures, she has to be the little bitch she is, and come up with that." and as that is being said my brother goes, "to be fair, your myspace does suck." ...everyone bursts out into laughter. so WHY is what i said so horrible, but if my brother says it, it's a huge joke?! it's been like this, as long as i can remember. but, i used to be spoiled and i was too young to recognize the difference. well now, it's literally become a daily thing of arguing about stupid shit with my mom. OF ALL PEOPLE, MY MOM!
with my dad, i understand completely why he doesn't care much for me. out of all of his kids, i am sort of the one who just stands up to him. when my dad gets in my face with threats to hit me and so on and so forth, i sort of give it right back to him, and he knows that if he was to ever touch me, i would make his life hell, because i have made that more than clear PLENTY of times. i don't baby it up and take his shit. and NO, i am not trying to sound tough, because i do cry about it. whether it is while i am screaming at him, or afterwards when i am in my room and emotions are running high. it's stupid, and i am sick of it. i am tired of being disliked because i don't enjoy being treated like shit. it's come to the point where i am just plain and simple the bitch of my family, that they can't wait to get rid of. i keep reasurring everyone that i am only around for a few more months, but i just get attitude and immaturity in response.

whatev. i am going to go to Bucks. i wanted to do MontCo, but turns out the tuition will double and that's bullshit.

thanks for reading.

twenty-six.

2007-01-21T10:23:00.000-05:00

i am filled with hate.

twenty-five.

2007-01-08T00:58:00.000-05:00

i don't know what to do about next year anymore. the last thing that i want is to live in philly by myself or with a complete stranger. i know tons of people dorm & it's usually with someone you have never met. but something about that just scares me. i'd be paired with the creepiest chick alive, and that does nothing for me but take away any excitement i had. UARTS had nice dorms & i know a girl going there, so that would probably be less bad. too bad, i am already pushing myself away from going there. i am not going to dance in my life after college, so why go to school for it, ya know? well, i'm not going to go to any college if i don't get my shit together right now. ugh.

i'm going to stop setting myself up for a let down. it's annoying, i constantly get excited for things that don't end up happening. there's not any one specific thing, just in general, i get stoked about things & then all plans just fall through.

i hate school more and more each day.

twenty-four.

2006-12-30T01:34:00.000-05:00

seriously, what's my problem?

edit;
i sometimes get to be too much of a mess. and all my thoughts get jumbled and i find myself not thinking straight. but then i get straightened out. i do hate, or strongly dislike, whatever it is i have become & i have some work to do. my mind set has changed, nothing crazy... or nothing that affects many people. but something that affects me enough, to fix it. if that makes sense. whatever, i am rambling.

i love you.. that's not changing.

twenty-three.

2006-12-26T19:05:00.000-05:00

i'm losing.

i feel like the number of people who actually give a shit is lessening by the day. feeling this way sucks. i don't feel like explaining.. it is, what it is.

i still have a lot of things that rule though [my boyfriend. my family. the friends that do stick around. my job's cool. and i'm doing alright with school.], so okay.

anyway, my grandpop left the hospital on thursday, and my grandmom went in friday morning. she's not doing well at all. and if she doesn't make it, the expectations aren't too high for my grandpop. i hate seeing it that way, but that's what i've been told. i love them, i don't want them to go. i feel like i've just started to get closer to them again. my mom's mom just went into the hospital too, i'm not sure how serious or unserious it is yet though. so hopefully she is fine too. i rarely see my mom's family, i've always liked 'em though. ...so wish them well.

♥

twenty-two.

2006-12-17T22:15:00.000-05:00

it's easier for me when shitty people take themselves out of my life. and i think i am pretty good at realizing who is good, who is bad, when to speak up and when to swallow my pride. and because of that, i don't worry too much about the decisions i make. i have decided that if someone wants to end all ties with me, to let them. there is not point in begging someone to stick around if that is not what they want. so i'll accept it, learn from it, and live with it. i'll be happy about the good times spent, and not have to worry about the bullshit said anymore. i am okay with it. things end, better they end on agreement. so i'll agree with it.

i need to manage money better + save it. a lot a lot a lot.

my grandpop is in the hospital. he's there a lot. my eyes started to water today when i saw him, i didn't cry though no one else seemed too upset. it just scares me. i feel this bond with my grandpop, even though we were never real close, i don't think. when i was really little we may have been, i don't remember much. he had these false teeth or maybe just one and i didn't know, and he would tell all of us kids that he had a sweettooth that he could take out and he would take one tooth out. i always tried to do it too. he was a pretty big guy, if i remember correctly. i guess i didn't realize how much he has aged. i like to think that everyone else stays the same even though i grow up. anyway, everytime i see him, i feel like he actually cares to see me and is happy. whereas the rest of my family (aunts and uncles) don't seem to phased by it all. it's weird. but i love my grandpop, and i want him to be happy and healthy.

loveyoubabe.♥.. fa real.

have a good one.

twenty-one.

2006-12-11T21:40:00.000-05:00

i need to not be so selfish all the time. i find myself saying things, to the people i care about, that hurt them. it's always unintentional, but always for the sake of throwing a fit over something and making it out to be bigger than it is. afterwards, everytime, i feel horrible and i want to take it back. i just need to think things out more, before i follow through.

this christmas will be interesting. i'm trying to get everyone real nice presents, but unfortunately i am not working nearly as much as last year, so it's hard. not to mention, we [my family] are apparently having financial issues, which is nothing new. however, i thought that this year we were doing better. i was wrong. it's okay, i am not going to whine about how i am not going to get everything that i wanted because, well, i didn't want too much to begin with. and i know that my parents feel horrible about it. i don't understand why this happens. my parents do all that they can to allow us to live comfortably, and to give their kids and eachother what we/they want. it's unfair to see good people put into difficult situations. i mean, it's not horrible, we aren't out on the street and we aren't scraping dumpsters for food, nor are we even close to that situation. more so, everything is being cut down and i have to watch my mom try to keep her pride, while admitting that she can't do all of this alone and she needs her kids help. i hope, either way, it's a nice christmas.

i need to get my reccomendation letter written for UARTS, already. i think part of the reason i am holding back, aside from me not liking to call people, i am scared to have everything sent to UARTS and have them reject me. knowing that i get to go to that school, will enable me to see that all of our plans for next year are possible. UGH! i just want to see it all work out.

the best thing in my life, i love you.
have a nice day/night. ♥.

twenty.

2006-12-03T22:01:00.000-05:00

learn your limits. check yourself when you're being out-of-line. understand when it's just not your place. grow up and start acting like an adult... the one's that this is applyng to, most likely won't read this. therefore i can write it and get it out of my system and be 75% sure that it won't backfire. and if it does, i brought it on myself. i don't like when people come into other people's business and make comments that are untrue and unnecessary. that happened two times last night, almost simultaneously. the second time resulting in someone being out of line and making me completely uncomfortable and honestly, scared. while the other person just sat by laughing. fuck, i hated it. and i am so close to just no forgiving the one and making it hard for the other to gain my respect again. i don't understand where any of it came from. but it started, flat out, because they don't know their limits. if you're going to drink, drink to where you are still fun and not an obnoxious fucking bitch or a complete asshole to people who don't deserve it. i want to be over this, and just say that shit happens. but this shit shouldn't. ecspecially with the one person being someone who i considered a real good and close friend. needless to say it was a rough night.

i don't know what's going on with some things. but i am just going to let people what they need to do, and sort of accept it. if someone wants to just walk away, whether it hurts me or not, i am going to let them. no sense in begging someone to stick around if that's not what they're going to want. in the end, people where end up where they have let themselves go. i don't want to hold anyone back from where they end up. i am just going to accept what's thrown at me, and hope that the things that are making me happiest don't go away. because, well that would stink, alot.

i am going to maintain my positive attitude, through whatever is thrown at me. and i am going to be happy with whoever has chose to stick by myside. and where ever i end up a year from now, i guess, is where i should be and hopefully it keeps me happy. i am going to work, so hard, to be where i want next year. i know for a fact, that i would be happy to see it all happen.

i'll be alright.

♥mybestfriend.

nineteen.

2006-11-29T21:40:00.000-05:00

and so it goes...
I am going to graduate. I am going to start putting fourth 100% into everything that I do. I am going to begin to actually show that I care as much as I really do. I am going to be honest, and tell people what's really wrong and when it's wrong.. if they ask me. I'm going to be better, with my life. I am going to treat it how I want it to work out. If I want my life to rule, I have to accept it when it does rule. Ya feel me?

So it stinks when I get like this, but this isn't me being all "mushy gushy // lovey dovey" .. okay? But, my boyfriend rules. He has really helped me to realize alot. So many things, that I could have learned so easily if someone would have just taken the time to show me. He's let me see that things aren't as bad as I make them out to be. And when I get stressed out, it's usually over something that I can easily overcome. Having him take the time to help me so much in this past year, makes me feel alot better about things. I like when people show me how much they care. i love him alot.

That being said, I need to say some more. My friends rule. Perfect examples being, KayG, MJB, Zol, and Ran. This isn't saything that my other friends aren't really cool or awesome or anything. But I just think that these people deserve to be recognized. All four of them listen to what I have to say, and I am pretty sure that they all really do care. They help me when I am down, and actually show an interest in how I am feeling or what's going on in my life. I love it and them.. so much.

So point is, I am turning around and making my life better. And I love the people in my life.

Oh and that this post is on the lamey side, my bad. They'll get better again.

Have a good one.♥.

eighteen.

2006-11-19T23:08:00.000-05:00

so i would have to imagine, that it's something about me... do i have too high of expectations? or maybe i just get bored of people? am i that UNBARABLE to be around?... i don't know.

i have never had that "core" group of friends. you know, like those one or two people who have stuck by your side for a long time. whether it be from chilhood, middle school, the begining of high school, etc. i have just never had that. i keep in touch, a bit, with the people who have played large parts in my life, so that's good. but no one ever really stays close. sometimes, it's okay. most of the time, it's not.

anyway, i can't help but notice lately, that i am drifting away from a lot of people. in some situations, it's okay. they are the people who, i think, have been making things more difficult. like i have said before, i depend on people. sooo, even if i don't really feel like you're doing any good in my life, if you were to turn around and be like "well, i don't like you." it would upset me a bit.

i've just seen it a lot. i want to find the people who are going to stick by me and keep them there. there are truthfully about 6people, MAXIMUM, who i know that i can count on these days. this isn't even the list of people who i know will ALWAYS be there, i hope that they will, but that's not what i am talking about. that is the number of people who RIGHT NOW, i know will try to help me. who knows, that may even be over-doing it. it stinks. but it's happening and i can't change it. nah mean?

i'm just feeling real, mixed-up. i don't know what to do about things, all that much lately. it seems that as soon as i get to breathe again, there is something else just waiting to stress me out. ...i probably analyze far too much.

seriously, i'm just stupid. haha.
but, my life still rules.
despite all of this weenie stuff.

have a good one. ♥.

seventeen.

2006-11-16T21:36:00.000-05:00

brittany and i finished my audition piece for UARTS yesterday. it only took us 2 practices to start&finish it. i am so releaved that it's done. and everyone who has seen it has given nothing but positive feedback. i am absolutely in love with it, and i feel real confident going in there with this dance. i actually feel like i have a real chance to get into this school. hopefully my SAT scores will be nice enough. i still need to talk to a former dance teacher for my recomendation letter. and finish filling out my transcript. but i am feeling confident.
i am improving in school. it's taken my whole schooling life to get the hang of it, but i am finally putting forth an effort. i always knew that i could do fine in school, even excell in certain things. i just never really could focuse/get started/put in that extra energy outside of school. i am not a stupid person, i just have a hard time getting started. anyway, i'm good. i'm good. i just have to get my ass in gear with that WEEEEE LIL THING, my grad project, heh.
life rules, hopefully things will keep going according to plan. and by next year i'll be livin with my faves, cheelin in our apartment, attending UARTS, driving, making some monies, loving life, comming home to visit, and totally happy! i hope i am not getting my hopes up and psycing myself out for absolutely nothing though.

YO! have a frieking good one! ♥!

sixteen.

2006-11-10T02:09:00.000-05:00

it just occured to me that soon i'm really going to have to make life-altering decisions. granted i won't be all alone, i can still ask people for advice and what have you. but nonetheless, when it comes down to it i will be the one making those decisions. it's all a little bit scarey. but i think i am begining to welcome adulthood with open arms. and although i still have my doubts, i am really getting used to the idea of growing up. i am by no means ready to be on my own, in any sense of the word. however it is, inevitably, going to happen. i am going to have to make payments on things.. i am going to have to rely on myself to create a functioning schedule and follow it.. the list goes on, and it gets more and more intimidating. but i really think that i'll be okay. actually, this is the first time that i have ever thought of growing up, and realized that it is something that i will be able to handle and responsability isn't going to eat me alive. i am excited to make decisions, whether they be beneficial or not and to learn from them.

my mind-state, overall lately, has been thumbs up. i'm trying to maintain a positive attitude through everything, and i think it is finally starting to show. i am still working towards being a better person altogether. i want to be nice to people, and not have anything against them until given fair reasoning. i'm sick of acting tough and playing it off as if i don't give a shit. because when it comes down to it, i do, i always have, and i always will. i care what people say, i care what people do, and i care what people think, that's just how i am. no, that does not mean that i obsess over the things that people say, do, or think. it just means that i have a general interest in it. i really am an okay person, deep down, i'm just trying to show it again.

i'm getting it all together. it's taken nearly 18years to get everything straightened out. but i'm finally getting close. i have the ideas, i think i've got the motivation, i have the perfect people to support me, and i still have time. it's gonna happen. god, i rule!

have a good one.♥.

fifteen.

2006-11-02T22:49:00.000-05:00

first off.. just know that i am dependent, i always have been. i depend on people for everything. i hate to be alone, i hate to do things alone, just the thought of it makes me anxious and i think about all of the awkward situations that could occur. i have tried to be better about this lately, but it's hard.

now know.. that i am going to try to sort of clean my life. i am going to get rid of every person who brings me down. i don't want to be surrounded by people who don't truely care about me anymore. i don't want to be around people who are going to doubt the best thing in my life. or try to convince me that something isn't right for me, when clearly it is. they obviously aren't looking out for me, rather, they are being selfish.

also, i don't want to be mean. i know i have said that multiple times, but im all gung-ho about it this time. i want to be better. i want to feel nicer. unless you give me reason to be, i won't be mean anymore. i won't make fun of people unless they 100% deserve it. i won't surround myself with people who feel the need to make others feel uncomfortable/unhappy to have a good time. i am sick of doing things/being in situations and knowing that it's not right and knowing that i hate doing it / being there. so from now one, i'll be the bigger man.. and just walk away.

i'm going to be a better person, i swear on it.
and i won't need people anymore, at least no more than the next guy does.
my life is going to be better, and if you want to take part in it and support me with it, then you are more than welcome to. however, if youre going to try to bring me down, walk away while you're ahead.

have a good one.

fourteen.

2006-10-29T22:04:00.000-05:00

betterdays.

this weekend was real nice, i enjoyed it all alot.

today i got to thinking, and my life really isn't bad at all. i love the people that i am friends with and spend the majority of my time with, they make things so much better. the only downside to any of it, is my mindframe. i don't know why i don't let myself feel okay with where i am.. i don't understand why i can't just see&accept that things are nice. right now, it's just weird, and i think it's dying down and will end soon. and i will, again, be okay.. for a good amount of time. i love when i feel happy and when i know that things are alright. i like to feel secure with where i am, as apposed to being filled with doubt and questions about everything. i think that things will be good, real soon.

on a side note [mooshygooshygaytalk. ;)]
11months just passed. i couldn't be more pleased with where things are.

i have my days where i let stupid thoughts get the best of me, and i wish i could find the words to explain whats wrong, but i never can. so i find it easier to just say "i am fine" and get over it. i know that it's never anything worth getting worked up over, but some days i just can't help it. and i think i should talk about it, but it tends to be so silly, or something that i just cant figure out, that i decide to just ignore it. that's okay though, it's never real problems, so i shouldn't even be bummed in the first place.

..that's beside the point, though. i am so happy with where we are. i feel loved, and i feel wanted. i feel that there is finally someone who can tolerate me and tell me the truth and be there for me and never ever make me real mad. it's a nice feeling, to know that there is at least one person who has your back. in that sense, i feel secure. and as i said already, i like to feel secure. i don't want this to go away, this feeling of security and love and being wanted and having someone to care for.

..just know that i love you, and that won't change.

have a nice day.

thirteen.

2006-10-26T22:04:00.000-05:00

i was out of school all week, for being sick. i went back today and well, i didn't really need to. basically, i didn't miss much all week, i was having hott flashes/throwing up this morning. i would have been okay if i stayed home. OH well, i was bored here anyway.

i think that i am starting to do this thing, where i have an annual "breakdown", if you will. so from now on, when it comes to be autumn, be prepared to see me be insane for a month or so.

it stinks really, i know that things are never as bad as i make them out to be. but somehow i manage to convince myself otherwise. it's real hard to explain. it's like i KNOW that there is good in my life, but i can't bring myself to see it. i just see the bad in EVERYTHING. and if there isn't bad, then i sort of make it up.

i was real bad this weekend. i think from now on i will, mostly, be feeling better. i made things worse for alot of people, and i hated it. i sat inside on sunday and laid around and cried all day. it sounds pathetic, but that's how crappy i felt for the way that i was acting. again, i think i made it into a bigger deal than it was. but i was being unfair, i just, i don't know.

i really hate being alone, sometimes... most of the time. it's nice to think once in awhile. but i literally can't do that alot, or else i go crazy. because again, i dwell on every negative and i can't stop.. who knows.

this post feels like it's going EVERYWHERE, with absolutely no direction, but im just sort of saying things as they come.

i'm losing my train of thought or whatever.
i'm a bit better than last time, that's all that matters.

iloveyou,thankyou.we'llbealright.

twelve.

2006-10-22T15:11:00.000-05:00

i don't know what's gotten into me. i can't think straight. i feel abandoned. i feel like a terrible person. and i don't understand why. i just feel so out of my mind right now, and i cant make it go away. i'm going right back to where i was a year ago, and i want it to stop. i want everything to stop spining through my mind. and i just want everything to take a break for a minute so i can gather myself and feel half okay again. i was away from feeling like this for a year! why's it comming back now? i'm losing hope in so many things, i don't want to try to make things better anymore. nothing feels right. it's not fair for anybody, that i am feeling this way, it makes things so much harder. this isn't fair. i shouldn't feel this way. nobody should. no one should ever have to feel this unhappy/lost/no-good ever, in their whole lives.

i don't want to think anymore. i don't ever want to feel this way again. i want it to go away now, and never ever come back to me again. i sound like such a peice of shit. but i swear to god this is how i feel and i hate every second of it.

i love you. and i swear to god, we're going to get better. we're going to be better together, and i can't wait for the day where all of this goes away and we are finally happy again. and we can finally be okay and finally know that there is good. things are going to be alright. they are going to be better. i swear, they are.

eleven.

2006-10-14T01:26:00.000-06:00

it's not the best theory, but it'll have to get me by until i come up with a better one..

maybe we're this unhappy, so that we don't start to underappreciate the good that we have. maybe it's to help us notice who our true friends are, the ones who are there to help and really understand. maybe it's to make us work harder for a better life, and to actually feel better once we have it. maybe it's to help us see the basics and know that the little things are what count the most. maybe it'll just benefit us sooner or later.

i've been down lately. along with a few other good friends. it's the worst when the people you care most about feel horrible and there is nothing you can do about it. but, i do love that i can go out with those miserable friends, and somehow cheer ourselves up. no problems were solved, no one had an epiphany, we didn't even win the lottery.. it was just a simple time, with simple talks, that made us all feel a little bit better.
im realizing that there are good&bad in my life. i need to weed out the bad, it might be real hard to do, but i think it will make things better for me. i see that there are some people, who i am repeatidly stressed around in similar situations and that needs to change. i'm not sure what this means for me.. or where it will lead me. it's just some ideas i've had going through my head.
there's more, there's always more.. but we can leave that for another day.

have a good one.

-joie.

ten.

2006-10-08T20:58:00.000-06:00

things will get better. they have to... we deserve happy. we are good people. we don't deserve whatever it is we have now. we deserve happy.

i look at people, older people, and i feel sorry for them. i see that throughout their lives they have ended up a mixture of sadness & fear. i'm not sure of what or why, but that's what i see when i look at some people. they just look uncomfortable.. i'm sure i look the same sometimes.
..i don't want to end up that way. i don't want to be a person that people can look at and know that it's exactly how they don't want to turn out. i want to see the good. i want to feel okay. i want to be nice and worryfree. i want to be comfortable. i don't want to feel anxious & nervous all the time, that is the worst. i don't want to ever feel jealous. i don't want to have bad thoughts, at least not as often as i do now.

my life isn't horrible. my mind is just a mess. and i hate myself when i feel this way. but there isn't much that i can do to control it. i try and i try, but it still gets the best of me.

thankyou for sticking by myside. we'll get through this... i swear we will. everything will be alright one day.. one day soon, i promise you.

nine.

2006-10-04T13:29:00.000-06:00

"and sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on. and your friends, they sing along, and they love you. but the lows are so extreme, that the good seems fucking cheap. and it teases you for weeks in its absence. but you'll fight and you'll make it through. you'll fake it if you have to. and you'll show up for work with a smile. and you'll be better. and you'll be smarter. and more grown up. and a better daughter or son. and a real good friend. and you'll be awake. you'll be alert. you'll be positive, though it hurts. and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends. and you'll be a real good listener. you'll be honest. you'll be brave. you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful.. you'll be happy."
-rilo kiley.

somethings, are the best they have ever been. but the rest, is the worst. ...i want to be, where i'm going to be at a year from now. and i want that to be, exactly where i think it will be; in philly, with people that i WANT to be with. going to a school that i WANT to go to. and HAPPY. and not feeling crazy.
the fall always does this to me. i think too much. my mind goes to too many places. i over-analyze everything. seriously, nothing is safe. my mind will go off to everything that has ever happened in my life, and i will pick out the bad and the good. but the bad stays with me and the good goes away. this might not make sense... i dont care. i dont understand why it happens. it kills me. and i hate myself when i get like this.
im trying to be better. and nicer. and happier. and stonger. and more relaxed. but its so hard. its so hard to go from wanting to be something.. to actually being that something.
.....i'm the biggest crybaby in the world.

thankyou for sticking by me.

eight.

2006-09-28T22:13:00.000-06:00

i'm doing the best that i can..

seven.

2006-09-25T20:14:00.000-06:00

i am increasingly becomming more and more excited about applying at UARTS. my application is almost complete and ready to be submitted, but i am a retard and don't understand half of the things it is asking me. however, i have picked my audition date... december 2nd.
this has turned into something that i actually want. at first i didn't mind the thought of BCCC for a year. i knew id still be living at home, and id hate that. but i figured, ive lasted this long, whats another year? ..besides i don't even know what i want to do with my life.. this will buy me more time.
&i've always been real stubborn when it comes to me&dancing. people would insist that it's something i am meant to do, and they can tell when they watch me.. i figured they were just being nice. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that i do love to dance.. it is a part of my life and always has been. even when i wasn't registered at a dance studio and regularly taking classes, i was still in love with dance... its something that i am supposed to be doing.
so after the initial shock of, leaving my comfort zone and realizing that i am growing up. i understood that this could be so good for me. i have living arrangements sort of "half-assed" figured out. who knows if they'll work out.. but i really hope they do, it would be fun.
but when i comes down to it.. i have finally found something that i am confident in. it's not that i am a confident dancer, because i'm still not and probably never will be. but i am confident in the fact that I WANT THIS. because I REALLY DO.
basically i will be a nervous wreck towards the end of november, end of story.

..im growing up. WTF?!

six.

2006-09-20T20:11:00.000-06:00

I am going to apply at Uarts, for dance. and i am very excited about that.

this is a big step for me. and realizing this sort of put some things into perspective today. i am a wuss, and HUGE scaredy cat. so me taking the step to actually try and go somewhere, is a big deal. but the worst that could happen is, i dont make it or i do and i don't like it so i leave. i was going to write alot. but i dont want to anymore. i am just real happy that i am trying to do something, to better myself in a way.

my spirits have been down lately and i hate it. i am trying to be strong for the people who need me to be strong, and i think i am doing an okay job. but deep down i am falling apart. i am stressed. and i keep getting anxious about everything, and over analyzing anything that happens. my mind is everywhere all the time. i want to control my thoughts.. i feel crazy sometimes. but... i'm gonna get through this, and i am gonna be better... we both are.

have a good one.

five,

2006-09-17T08:42:00.000-06:00

i keep things bottled up for too long.

anytime i have any doubt, or any negative feeling at all, i convince myself that it's silly and not worth obsessing over. yet somehow, i obsess over it still. i never want to come out and admit to my negativety and tell people what is wrong. because im scared that it will create an unnecessary conflict. and i hate conflict more than anything. i hate being put down and made to feel stupid. and im always scared that that's how it will turn out.
sometimes i feel like people are cornering me. and talking about me. and hating me. and they never allow me to explain myself. and when they finally let me open my mouth, they critisize every word i spoke. i am never ever sure of how i feel about most things, im indecisive like that. so when i finally feel that it's okay for me to state something, i take it to heart when anyone disagrees. ...that may not make sense, it's hard for me to word it right. i dont know... but basically, i feel very inferior, to everyone lately. and i think that that's where alot of my problems in many other areas are comming from. i feel inferior, not good enough, and anxious.
sometimes i hate my psyche.. i think too much. i dwell on crappy thoughts too often. it's so much worse lately too, because i KNOW that most things in my life are going so well right now, but i still manage to convince myself that it's not all as good as it seems. this is so ridiculous. im so much better than last year.. so much better. ive improved in so many ways. so why can't i show it?

...

four.

2006-09-11T20:10:00.000-06:00

"I dont like where i am. Literally & figuratively. I think i mostly mean, my state of mind or whatever. I want to isolate myself from people, but im too scared to be alone. Im jealous of too many people. & I hate feeling inferior. I wanted to go out tonight. I had things to do. Instead i got stuck at home being a dumbass. Im an unhappy little fuck. or something of that sort. i really really want to be able to make that list of things i like and be that pleased with things again. this is sooo stupid. and i feel even more stupid for giving in to it. I think i want someone to "love" or what have you... I want a relationship. & i want to not screw it up by backing away. Eh it wont happen, im sure... "

-so that is from late october, last year.

im in love.. with life. with a boy. with my friends.
i am so happy. and happiness is one of the best feelings. ..that and knowing that everything in life is going to be okay, no matter what life throws at you. ...everything's gonna be alright.
the only downside is how bummed, stressed, and frusterated i get sometimes. i really just want to better myself. it is going to happen. asap. i promise.
thankyou, to everyone who helps me through everything. i would be nowhere near where i am now... so much better off, if it wasn't for you. ♥.

three.

2006-09-09T23:47:00.000-06:00

zol- "soo do you think there is something, like, the opposite of RH?!"
kg- "you mean... it goes inside instead of out?!"
hahahahaha.. my life rules. :D

i worked my first saturday morning class of the year, today. it was fun. mostly all kids that i enjoy. the first class is a preschool class, and they are always fun. then i went to taylors and we watched walk the line.. finally. even though he cheated earlier in the week and watched the WHOLE thing without me, oh well. later, we watched Green Street Hooligans again. i didn't cry real bad this time, my eyes only watered a little bit. ANYWAY.. we went to MJB's and KG was there, then zol met up with us later. we played some pool, darts, chilled, it was fun. then we hit up midnight bowling with jake&mary. I WON US A WHOLE PIZZA! it was good.

NEXT is such a lame show. and "pumkin" from flava of love, is on it right now. so many teevee shows suck lately, it bums me out.

im supposed to have the rough copy of my grad project in by this friday, so that i can hopefully hand in the finished product by the end of this month. im still havent started, i am such a procrastinator. i hate it. and i hate the idea of graduation products. they don't prove anything. other than that, school is actually pretty alright. im hoping to end high school, just how i started it. nice, relaxed, and pretty happy. i can be all of those, but sometimes my negativety can get the best of me, which has been the case all too often lately. which brings me to...

how much i love my friends. in times like this, where i find myself getting upset over basically nothing, the people who really care pull through the most. they are the ones who no matter how old it gets, how tiring it gets, or how annoying it gets. continue to stick by myside and try to cheer me up. i don't mean all of this like "oh well, i dont care if i get upset and if im a burden on all of my friends, because they will always be there and they can always try to cheer me up, and they can just do everything for me." i just mean that it's nice, when i get bummed out, to know that i have some friends who will keep me going. and make sure that i am okay. i appreciate it alot, and i love them all for that.

my boyfriend is wonderful like that too. he makes me happy. he keeps me okay&better. he checks up on me when i look bummed out. and he talks things out with me, to make sure everything's alright. i love him. he treats me perfectly, and he is honestly one of the, if not the greatest person in my life.

i like being happy.
have a good one.

two.

2006-09-06T21:18:00.000-06:00

i wish i didnt make things more difficult for people. lately i feel like i am always in the way.

i dont know. i'm stupid.

..i am not unhappy with my life. and i am not a miserable person. and i hate myself when i am mean.

looks like i have some work to do.

one.

2006-09-03T22:58:00.000-06:00

HEY! blogspot.
basically, xanga&myspace were getting old. xanga, as far as i know, will always be my numba1. and myspace is fun and all but let's get serious. i don't know. plus my brother has one. so i mean, HELLO, this shit r00lz. haha.

[so i re-did this one, now im starting this out how i want to.]

[YIKES! this is a longie!]

i miss lvpa. i just downloaded the "i heart huckabees" soundtrack and it reminded me of our "doll dance". the one i never got to perform (with the exception of the academic probation performance) due to me shitting it up in school, big time. anyway, i am horrible with missing things. when i left pennridge for a year, i didn't know how i would last. i missed everyone, so much. leaving lvpa was just as hard as starting, just two different forms of it. i was a nervous wreck on the first day, i cried. then before i knew it came the last day of school, and i knew i was barely, if ever, going to see these people again.. so of course, i cried.
i loved lvpa. well, my friends at lvpa. and i loved dancing. i grew so much as a person and a dancer. i sort of spent that year trying to be someone, that i guess in the end i wasn't. i dressed like a fool, but it was all in good fun. i guess i was going for an "emo" look. i was a sophmore, trying to figure out who i should be. regardless i had fun.
it's weird. when you are in a moment, it never seems half as good as when you look back on it. while at lvpa, i could only ever think about going to pennridge again. once i came back to pennridge, i realized that being gone for a year, left me with nothing. i had to start all over again. past relationships meant nothing to anyone anymore. i thought i would walk back in, and everything would pick up where i left it. well, that wasn't the case at all.
i don't regret going to lvpa. it has given me just as much as it has taken from me. i don't know it's hard to explain. ...i miss dancing.

(this next part is sort of, for my own well-being. read it, or don't. i feel better when i write things out)

last october, i nearly lost it. i was so mixed up with my life, i am not even sure why. but i would spend nearly every night crying and going into hysterics. nothing ever seemed right. i didn't get along with family. and i was always making my parents mad, so they wouldn't want to "priviledge" me and let me go out. it's not that i am a bad kid, but i easily get frusterated with things that happen. and that doesn't mean that i start beating people up or anything. i just in return to being frusterated i get upset. and it just so happens, that when i am in my house, i find it 10times easier to be unhappy. i just remember alot of crappy things from being little & living here, so i never want to be around.
soon after me "going crazy", for lack of better wording, everything seemed to start fitting together. i don't want to sound all lame and lovie dovie. but i met my boyfriend and we started dating. i swear, he is the reason that everything bad just sort of, drifted into the background of my life. i was finally happy, and nothing would get me down. i was never home, because i was always with him. everything just seemed to flow better. my family&i got along better. my mom could tell, i remember her saying how much happier i seemed and how it really showed. (boys were never really my forte. i could get boyfriends, i just sort of had this thing where it would never last. and from the begining i would always be hesitant about even dating them. it was weird. but for once, i didn't hold back for any second. i knew it was okay. it's easily one of the only things i was ever sure of... that this was what i wanted.)
here comes the end of december/begining of january. my best friend of 5years and i had a little misunderstanding. which slowly grew and grew until everything was blown out of proportion, on both parts. i had friends who stuck by me through those few months. as did she. it was an up&down kind of thing for awhile. we would talk about how we needed to talk things out, but then it would never happen.
finally comes april. a young girl we both taught gymnastics to, passed away. we attended her funeral. and spent the rest of the day together. everything finally felt okay again. things were back in place. my birthday rolled around.
summertime, this summer was so boring. but i liked it, nonetheless. i was always surrounded by people that i love. some fun days went down. and some veryveryvery boring days creeped by. but regardless of what was done, it really was who i spent it with that mattered.
now it's time for the school year to begin. i am a senior and as happy as you can be about that. i'm scared to death of making decisions for myself and being in complete control of my life. we will see.

my life isn't bad. i am just really good at dwelling on things when they go wrong. i hate being alone, for the most part. somedays it's good when you need to think. but other than that, i would rather be around people who make me happy. i am shy and not confident. i hate talking to people i don't know. but i love to meet people. i act differently (shy or loud) depending on who i am around and how comfortable i am with them. i like to make people happy & to help them get through tough times. i hate feeling like i have let people down or made their lives poopier in any way. i can be mean to people, but usually that calls for you to do something to deserve it. i am trying to stop that though, because sometimes i feel really crappy after being mean and then i don't like myself at all. this is probably the only time i will ever talk about my personality/likes&dislikes this much. because i usually am not good with comming up with information about myself... that's all.

haha, i need to organize my thoughts better.