ninety-one.

I'm in a sticky place right now - it feels like I'm so close to finding my happiness and at the same time it feels so far away. I can't tell if it's just a place that's always going to feel an arm's length away or if the changes I've been making just aren't the right ones. My stomach is in knots right now and I'm feeling so low.
I finally started a new job about a month ago. The day I was officially hired I went out to my car and cried. I felt the huge weight, which has been getting heavier and heavier over the past 3 years, lift right off of my shoulders. It was the way I felt when I put my two weeks in, at the daycare, times a trillion. Now, the people I work with enjoy what they do, where they are, and who they're there with and that makes being there so easy. I'm out of my comfort zone and constantly learning new things every day and although I miss my babies and watching them grow and learn... I'm glad I'm there.
For the past few years I've been thinking about how great it would be to just pack up and leave for a little while - go somewhere where I'd be alone and have to find my own way. Change is a hard thing to do when everything around you stays the same and I feel like change is something that I could really use. But how do you go about just packing up and leaving? I haven't quite figured it out. I think I'm just trying to get to the point where I feel okay with myself - who I am, what I look like, the decisions I make, the way I feel... everything.

I hope I'm close.

ninety.

people still use the internet? i've been absent from it for a while. sometimes it's just nice to take a break, so i don't become too involved into everyone else's lives.. i guess it's sort of contradicting to have a blog, then, huh?
nothing's changed, it never does. i still feel like a 20-year old who has accomplished nothing. i am really really really planning to start school in the spring. i might as well, it will get me where i want to be, physically, a lot faster, than sitting around will. maybe once i'm in a steady place, the right mentality will just happen.

"your present plans are going to succeed." - yes, please.

have a good one.

eighty-nine.

i'm turning twenty in a week. i think the part that kills me the most is that i feel like i haven't accomplished a single thing. and even when i do, within a short period of time, i somehow always manage to back track and end up in square one. i always thought that twenty was so old, i still do i guess. it's a milestone, i think, a point in your life where you should be doing SOMETHING with your self. i guess all of this has just had me thinking a ton about my life; where i am, where i've been, and where i'm going. i hope i'm going somewhere nice.

on another note, i'm getting sick. i'm so congested and runny-nosed. other than that things have been fine. i hope my birthdays cool, itd be nice to see all of my friends. i love them, and i love my boyfriend, too! aww.

eighty-eight.

it's like a broken record, playing over and over again in my head and breaking my heart.

eighty-seven.

LOL. you can't even see it. my valentine's day was spent fashioning a tattoo gun out of a toothbrush, guitar string, and various parts of a mechanical pencil.. well, i watched rich do that. then i watched taylor give christian a ghost tattoo. before we made the gun, christian just got poked, probably a thousand times with a needle. as soon as it was my turn, the batteries died. i waited until sunday morning and i got my kitty cat on my ankle, and taylor did a tortoise on his toe.
taylor took me out on monday night, for our valentine's date. we went to red robin, i feel like we haven't gone in awhile and then to the pet store. i hate and love pet stores. i obviously like them, because i like to keep the animals company and watch them be funny. but it breaks my heart when i have to leave and see them sitting all alone or squishy in a tiny little tank/cage with noone to tell them how great and cute they are. taylor wore a nice shirt, which i liked so much.
i got a surprise from taylor this week, another pair of victoria secret long janes.. because he almost broke a different pair. what a nice boyf.
i feel like this was a weird post - i hardly ever recap my days in these. oh, well.

i'm feeling alright, alright.

eighty-six.

today my mom told me we should "do that youtube thing" and make some money. speaking of my mom, i caught her deep in conversation with herself in the kitchen the other day, i love her to death, she almost peed her pants laughing when she saw me standing there. the woman's crazy. and i probably am, too. i'm surprised with the amount of friends i have, while i am almost fully convinced that i have something else, not so sane, going on up in my head. it's okay, though, i've gone almost 20 full years this way and i guess i'll continue to do so. i'm almost 20, i have practically been alive for 20 years.. pretty soon, someone could say, "oh! 20 years ago blah blah blah..." and i could say, "yeah, i was alive then." that's terrible.
valentine's day is coming up, this is going to be my 4th valentine's day with taylor. 4??? that seems pretty long. thing is, it's still okay. when we first started dating, i warned him - i told him that i wasn't good at staying in relationships, i would get bored and slowly push myself away from the people. later i found that other people had warned him, too... like i was some known criminal or some crap. well, i guess i was mistaken. i can remember a few months going by and me being like "i haven't even thought about thinking about maybe not wanting to be with him, this is insaaane!" it's pretty cool, he's a good guy.

i've had a consistant headache for the past two days and i wouldn't mind if it went away.

eighty-five.

well, that was much more temporary than i had anticipated. i'm glad things are back to normal.. they feel better than normal, though, and i hope that isn't a feeling that just wares off. i would have held off longer if it had been necessary, but i am so happy that that wasn't the case. i just like for the people in my life to be happy, or at least as far from miserable as they can be and i am usually willing to do just about anything to keep them pleased.. i think i do an okay job.
i'm very appreciative of all of my friends. so many people pulled through for me in the past week. no matter how irrelavant the situation seemed to them, they knew it was affecting me a ton and were very understanding of it. plenty of people who i didn't think would be so concerned were and it suprised me and helped me to realize things. thanks for that. kate, allie, and danielle had a sleepover with me friday night and it felt so good to have people dedicating a night to hanging out and, basically, just listening to me be sad. but i just felt happy most of the night, anyway. thanks for that too.