thirty-three.

i don't feel good. i'm real frustrated, with a lot.

it's weird. i feel like i've done everything in my life, the wrong way. like i've just gone about things completely the opposite than i should have. i don't get it. i usually don't feel regret, and i still don't. but i feel like i should feel regret or something. it's so confusing. and it makes me just want to hide. i can never pinpoint what it is that makes me sad/upset. unless someone is yelling at me or something. and this is no different. i'm not sure what it is or why, i just feel unsure.

sometimes i just want a second shot, to try everything all over. but there are 2 reasons that, if given the opportunity, i am pretty sure i would pass. 1) i like some things about where i am, and they are too good to give up, just to try and make other things better. & 2) i don't feel like going through certain bullshit again. so, even if starting over were an option.. it wouldn't really be one.

i wish it were easier to talk to people about these things. i never want to bring people down by going on & on & on about my issues, or lack there of. and even more so, i don't want to frustrate or confuse them because i can't even explain myself. ..like, i don't even know what my deal is, how could i even try to talk to someone else about it. it really sucks to not be able to talk about shit.. no matter how badly you want to.

it's scary. i was at such a crappy point, before taylor came along. and he really helped to pull me out of it. and even though i sometimes feel like i'm in a real bad spot.. i know that things are at least okay, because he's still around and he cares. and i'm scared for what i would feel like if he weren't. it's nice to think of it like "ohhhh, you saved me, how lovely." but that's scary, like... i had to be saved? and i don't mean this bad. i love taylor, so much. and i am so happy to have him in my life as my boyfriend and as my best friend because he is the best. but it's just a weird thing, to think that someone sort of, saved you or whatever....

i don't know.. i still don't feel good.