ninety-one.

I'm in a sticky place right now - it feels like I'm so close to finding my happiness and at the same time it feels so far away. I can't tell if it's just a place that's always going to feel an arm's length away or if the changes I've been making just aren't the right ones. My stomach is in knots right now and I'm feeling so low.
I finally started a new job about a month ago. The day I was officially hired I went out to my car and cried. I felt the huge weight, which has been getting heavier and heavier over the past 3 years, lift right off of my shoulders. It was the way I felt when I put my two weeks in, at the daycare, times a trillion. Now, the people I work with enjoy what they do, where they are, and who they're there with and that makes being there so easy. I'm out of my comfort zone and constantly learning new things every day and although I miss my babies and watching them grow and learn... I'm glad I'm there.
For the past few years I've been thinking about how great it would be to just pack up and leave for a little while - go somewhere where I'd be alone and have to find my own way. Change is a hard thing to do when everything around you stays the same and I feel like change is something that I could really use. But how do you go about just packing up and leaving? I haven't quite figured it out. I think I'm just trying to get to the point where I feel okay with myself - who I am, what I look like, the decisions I make, the way I feel... everything.

I hope I'm close.

ninety.

people still use the internet? i've been absent from it for a while. sometimes it's just nice to take a break, so i don't become too involved into everyone else's lives.. i guess it's sort of contradicting to have a blog, then, huh?
nothing's changed, it never does. i still feel like a 20-year old who has accomplished nothing. i am really really really planning to start school in the spring. i might as well, it will get me where i want to be, physically, a lot faster, than sitting around will. maybe once i'm in a steady place, the right mentality will just happen.

"your present plans are going to succeed." - yes, please.

have a good one.

eighty-nine.

i'm turning twenty in a week. i think the part that kills me the most is that i feel like i haven't accomplished a single thing. and even when i do, within a short period of time, i somehow always manage to back track and end up in square one. i always thought that twenty was so old, i still do i guess. it's a milestone, i think, a point in your life where you should be doing SOMETHING with your self. i guess all of this has just had me thinking a ton about my life; where i am, where i've been, and where i'm going. i hope i'm going somewhere nice.

on another note, i'm getting sick. i'm so congested and runny-nosed. other than that things have been fine. i hope my birthdays cool, itd be nice to see all of my friends. i love them, and i love my boyfriend, too! aww.

eighty-eight.

it's like a broken record, playing over and over again in my head and breaking my heart.

eighty-seven.

LOL. you can't even see it. my valentine's day was spent fashioning a tattoo gun out of a toothbrush, guitar string, and various parts of a mechanical pencil.. well, i watched rich do that. then i watched taylor give christian a ghost tattoo. before we made the gun, christian just got poked, probably a thousand times with a needle. as soon as it was my turn, the batteries died. i waited until sunday morning and i got my kitty cat on my ankle, and taylor did a tortoise on his toe.
taylor took me out on monday night, for our valentine's date. we went to red robin, i feel like we haven't gone in awhile and then to the pet store. i hate and love pet stores. i obviously like them, because i like to keep the animals company and watch them be funny. but it breaks my heart when i have to leave and see them sitting all alone or squishy in a tiny little tank/cage with noone to tell them how great and cute they are. taylor wore a nice shirt, which i liked so much.
i got a surprise from taylor this week, another pair of victoria secret long janes.. because he almost broke a different pair. what a nice boyf.
i feel like this was a weird post - i hardly ever recap my days in these. oh, well.

i'm feeling alright, alright.

eighty-six.

today my mom told me we should "do that youtube thing" and make some money. speaking of my mom, i caught her deep in conversation with herself in the kitchen the other day, i love her to death, she almost peed her pants laughing when she saw me standing there. the woman's crazy. and i probably am, too. i'm surprised with the amount of friends i have, while i am almost fully convinced that i have something else, not so sane, going on up in my head. it's okay, though, i've gone almost 20 full years this way and i guess i'll continue to do so. i'm almost 20, i have practically been alive for 20 years.. pretty soon, someone could say, "oh! 20 years ago blah blah blah..." and i could say, "yeah, i was alive then." that's terrible.
valentine's day is coming up, this is going to be my 4th valentine's day with taylor. 4??? that seems pretty long. thing is, it's still okay. when we first started dating, i warned him - i told him that i wasn't good at staying in relationships, i would get bored and slowly push myself away from the people. later i found that other people had warned him, too... like i was some known criminal or some crap. well, i guess i was mistaken. i can remember a few months going by and me being like "i haven't even thought about thinking about maybe not wanting to be with him, this is insaaane!" it's pretty cool, he's a good guy.

i've had a consistant headache for the past two days and i wouldn't mind if it went away.

eighty-five.

well, that was much more temporary than i had anticipated. i'm glad things are back to normal.. they feel better than normal, though, and i hope that isn't a feeling that just wares off. i would have held off longer if it had been necessary, but i am so happy that that wasn't the case. i just like for the people in my life to be happy, or at least as far from miserable as they can be and i am usually willing to do just about anything to keep them pleased.. i think i do an okay job.
i'm very appreciative of all of my friends. so many people pulled through for me in the past week. no matter how irrelavant the situation seemed to them, they knew it was affecting me a ton and were very understanding of it. plenty of people who i didn't think would be so concerned were and it suprised me and helped me to realize things. thanks for that. kate, allie, and danielle had a sleepover with me friday night and it felt so good to have people dedicating a night to hanging out and, basically, just listening to me be sad. but i just felt happy most of the night, anyway. thanks for that too.

eighty-four.

"never give up. if you're looking for something easy, you might as well give it up."

i'm sitting here staring at some jammies that i almost wish i didn't own. they're sitting inside a bag filled with things i wish i didn't even have, my cell phone charger included. i know everything will be fine and in given time everything will be back to how it was a few days ago. in the mean time, i just don't want to deal with things being weird. i feel like a different person when this happens, nothing feels the same. and i never know what to do. i just keep reminding myself it's temporary. it still hurts.
some sort of cool news that i found out today.. i can get my early childhood cda for free. i'd take a class, held at my work, 2 nights a week for a couple months. i'm pretty sure cda's don't take long to get as is. but, i guess i might as well, ya know?

eighty-three.

just, remind me to never wake up again. day after day i let down everyone around me. i can't do it anymore. i hate upsetting the people i care about most.

eighty-two.

i've got plans for myself. as badly as i am needing to move out of my parents house and live on my own, i feel like i should experience some things first. i've never done much with my life, mostly i just cry and day dream, but i'd like to change that or at least add a few other things to the list of what it is that i do. first, i'll finish saving my money (probably use my tax return) and buy myself a car, again. then my plan starts. i'm going to leave for a month, two, maybe even three. this won't be for awhile, as i have to save enough money to be able to survive, but i can do it. i'm going to go places, i might know where i'm going before i go, i might not... but, i probably will. i know some people around the country, some of whom i know would let me stay with them. i think that while i'm saving money, i'm going to read books about the country, find some neat places to check out. at first my plan was to do this alone, to build up my character or something, now i'm thinking it might be nice to have a fellow needer-of-character-building to go with me. i haven't decided just yet. who knows.. in a week i might decide this is an awful idea, i hope not because this sounds so great to me right now. the best part is, i won't have any obligations, if i plan on going somewhere where i know people and can visit them, i'll call maybe a week, a few days ahead of time.. it might sound rude, but i wouldn't plan to stay with them, just visit.. but this way, if at some point i decide my experience is over and i am ready to come home, i won't feel as though i'm letting someone else down, by not visiting with them as i had promised months earlier.
i'm sure plenty of people do this sort of thing, and it doesn't sound as cool to anyone else as it does to me. but i'm not a cool person, i don't do neat things. i eat at the same places, i talk to the same people, i drive down the same roads, i sleep in the same beds, i see the same animals, the same skies, the same faces all of the time. and i love the places i eat, the people i talk to, the roads i drive down, the beds i sleep in, the animals, the skies, and the faces that i see.. but it would be okay to change those things for a little while. i don't do things alone, i am a baby and depend on everyone around me. i'm awful at reaching out and meeting new people on my own. i think that this would do so much for me, and i would really like to go through with it. i could take pictures, write everything down, and breathe. i wouldn't have a job to worry about. i wouldn't have anything going on, it would be an actual chance to take care of myself, and only myself. and really only keep in contact with the people that i wanted to, when i want to. i wish i still had a car, so i could do this as soon as i get tax money.

eighty-one.

i was waiting in line, at the movies a few days ago, we were going to see seven pounds. i started to realize that i couldn't see anything but older women with short hair, real short hair, like boy hair.. but i guess in this case - mom hair. i never want to have "mom hair." seven pounds was a real good movie, all i did was bury my face into my scarf and cry.

happy new year.

eighty.

andy kyle bear me taylor - christmas eve 2006.

it's christmas eve, well i guess morning, and i have everything done that i've needed to have done. i cooked dinner and baked dessert for the friends that i spent christmas eve with. i baked my dad a white chocolate & coconut cake for his birthday, and made white chocolate cupcakes for everyone at my grandmom's who won't want to eat coconut, tomorrow. i sent cards and candycanes home with the kids at work on tuesday and last night taylor and i took gifts to the kids i babysit. the presents i bought are wrapped and under the tree and taylor's xbox 360 is succesfully hooked up in his bedroom. i think that christmas eve and into the morning is the best part of christmastime, it's when i am most excited and feel the best. i think about how everyone's going to react to their presents, even if it's not the coolest most expensive thing, i always try to really think about people when i buy them things.

i've decided that i really like cooking and baking.. not like so much that i would want it to be my profession or anything, but i enjoy making food for people to eat. and for whatever reason i really like tiddying up afterwards. that's probably so weird, oh well.
i haven't had a goodnights sleep in my own bed for at least a week. that might be why i'm still awake right now, despite closing my eyes every 6 seconds at taylor's house, barely an hour ago. maybe, it's because i've grown used to sleeping next to someone in a sea of blankets than alone in a lonely bed. i'm so tired, though.

i hope everyone has a very merry christmas.

seventy-nine.

vans came in the mail. i'm happy for the next day. pretty sure it's a universal feeling, but getting new things always puts me into a wonderful mood. everythings still good. moneys still tight. and i'm nervous about christmas shopping. i hardly know what i am getting anyone. im pretty irritated with work lately.. since the two 2 year old classrooms were combined i feel like they dont look to me as a head teacher anymore. i mean, its okay because i am still being paid as a teacher with half of the work. but at the same time i was so excited about being in that position and knowing that all of these people had faith in me, that having it taken away is such a hard blow. after christmas i'm saving my money so much and buying a car...... again. my head hurts.

three years - thank you for being so good to me. i love you.

seventy-seven.

things feel steady, for the most part. i can't remember the last time i used the word "steady" to explain how i was feeling, well it's nice. work is work and no matter how hard it is, i will deal. my back has been in a funk, i've been having spasms since last saturday. i don't have any health insurance right now, though, so i sort of have to take matters into my own hands. ah well. i need to sort everything out for school, i think tomorrow after work i will make sure that i call. i feel as though things have actually gotten better, as i've said they would for the past 3 years. and i'm happy about that, i don't feel like such a liar anymore. i turn 20 in six months, and that sounds so old to me, i still feel like i'm in ninth grade. or i guess eleventh. i dont know. weird.

seventy-six.

i need to get it together. i need to think things out before i react however i want to. i have to stop thinking about what's "fair" and start figuring out what's "right" and "best". maybe if i fix myself, finally, everything else will start to become a better version of what it already is. or maybe it won't.. but at least i'll be better. i feel like i have so many good days, and then just a couple awful to take me back a few steps. ugh, i sound like a recovering alcoholic. but really i'm just a jerk, sometimes. well, i'm trying.

seventy-five.

i have to stop thinking so much about things that will never change. others' pasts haunt me and it's awful. there's absolutely nothing that anyone can do about it; they can't change it, they can't fix it, they can't make it disappear. i wish i were better at brushing things aside and forgetting about them. but sometimes i can't seem to wrap my head around how something was done in the first place, and even if i could, i'm sure i would regret doing so when it's all done with! so, i guess, for now and for always i'll just have to pretend it doesn't bother me. i mean, it's one of those things that no matter how much you express the toll it takes on you, nothing can be done about it. there's really no point in even thinking of it. erase my brain, already, please.

as of late, life is good. keep it up.

seventy-four.

i'm so on top of my life. had a talk with my boss about taking over another classroom and teaching my kids from last year, we'll see what happens with that. but during the talk i had with her and the kindergarten teacher i was given a decent amount of compliments about how good of a job i did over the summer and how much they like me. that was cool, always nice to hear some good feedback when youre doing something you enjoy. yesterday i called the credit card company and set up a payment plan so that i'm no longer in debt. i'll be done paying off my fine by the end of october. buying a car this weekend, second car, i hope i take better care of it. calling bucks tomorrow to set up an appointment so i can pick my classes for the spring. and then filling out paperwork so that 90% of my schooling is paid for. so my life feels pretty on track lately. we'll see how long it lasts. it's october 1st and the weather is so nice. cool and breezy, pants and a sweater/sweatshirt/longsleeve.

seventy-three.

FEELIN KINDA LAZY, I DONT LIKE THIS PLACE.

i just ordered such a great surprise for $2 and i can't wait to get it in the mail. i need to get better with my money, i'm never going to get anywhere treating money the way i do. as soon as i have it i spend it, so dumb. all i ever talk about wanting to do is move out, but first i have to buy a new car and pay off my debt. ....so it looks like shopping and going out to eat all the time aren't very good ideas at this point in my life. one day i'll be rich, and i'll buy whatever i please. no, really, i will. my room is a dirthole, there's stuff everywhere. tomorrow after work im going to come home, do my laundry, and clean my room... at least i hope that's what i do. then the season premiere of THE OFFICE. phat. i can never decide what to do with my hair, as soon as i do something new i miss what i had before.. it never ends! i need to sort stuff out for school so i can start in the spring. i really feel like im never going to move out and it's killing me. my mommy comes home tonight and ive missed her. everything sucks, but everything's okay. COOL.

seventy-two.

i just had the nicest and most relaxed weekend. and i was so sick the entire time. taylor took me on a date which ended up starting my weekend earlier than i thought, we had a sleepover and both took off work on friday because we were sick. i think it was my most enjoyed and stress free weekend in a long time. i loved every second of it, except the coughing. i got to babysit, which i haven't done in awhile and i was so excited all week leading up to it. i had fun.
i'm still sick now, which stinks. i left work an hour early today because i felt sick to my stomach, and i really don't want to go in tomorrow because i'm not feeling much better, but i probably will, because i should. bo's been acting weird, he has a bald spot on his hip and he's been sort of clinging or something. i called the vet and i'm taking him later this week, i hope he's fine. ..my poor little baby. marv's here visiting, i feel bad i think he misses taylor. i guess that's weird to think that a tortoise could be homesick, i mean.. he is in his same tank and everything. he just doesn't seem himself right now either. i think i might just be crazy.

i have ugly skinny eyebrows now. so sad.