seventy-seven.

things feel steady, for the most part. i can't remember the last time i used the word "steady" to explain how i was feeling, well it's nice. work is work and no matter how hard it is, i will deal. my back has been in a funk, i've been having spasms since last saturday. i don't have any health insurance right now, though, so i sort of have to take matters into my own hands. ah well. i need to sort everything out for school, i think tomorrow after work i will make sure that i call. i feel as though things have actually gotten better, as i've said they would for the past 3 years. and i'm happy about that, i don't feel like such a liar anymore. i turn 20 in six months, and that sounds so old to me, i still feel like i'm in ninth grade. or i guess eleventh. i dont know. weird.

seventy-six.

i need to get it together. i need to think things out before i react however i want to. i have to stop thinking about what's "fair" and start figuring out what's "right" and "best". maybe if i fix myself, finally, everything else will start to become a better version of what it already is. or maybe it won't.. but at least i'll be better. i feel like i have so many good days, and then just a couple awful to take me back a few steps. ugh, i sound like a recovering alcoholic. but really i'm just a jerk, sometimes. well, i'm trying.

seventy-five.

i have to stop thinking so much about things that will never change. others' pasts haunt me and it's awful. there's absolutely nothing that anyone can do about it; they can't change it, they can't fix it, they can't make it disappear. i wish i were better at brushing things aside and forgetting about them. but sometimes i can't seem to wrap my head around how something was done in the first place, and even if i could, i'm sure i would regret doing so when it's all done with! so, i guess, for now and for always i'll just have to pretend it doesn't bother me. i mean, it's one of those things that no matter how much you express the toll it takes on you, nothing can be done about it. there's really no point in even thinking of it. erase my brain, already, please.

as of late, life is good. keep it up.

seventy-four.

i'm so on top of my life. had a talk with my boss about taking over another classroom and teaching my kids from last year, we'll see what happens with that. but during the talk i had with her and the kindergarten teacher i was given a decent amount of compliments about how good of a job i did over the summer and how much they like me. that was cool, always nice to hear some good feedback when youre doing something you enjoy. yesterday i called the credit card company and set up a payment plan so that i'm no longer in debt. i'll be done paying off my fine by the end of october. buying a car this weekend, second car, i hope i take better care of it. calling bucks tomorrow to set up an appointment so i can pick my classes for the spring. and then filling out paperwork so that 90% of my schooling is paid for. so my life feels pretty on track lately. we'll see how long it lasts. it's october 1st and the weather is so nice. cool and breezy, pants and a sweater/sweatshirt/longsleeve.

seventy-three.

FEELIN KINDA LAZY, I DONT LIKE THIS PLACE.

i just ordered such a great surprise for $2 and i can't wait to get it in the mail. i need to get better with my money, i'm never going to get anywhere treating money the way i do. as soon as i have it i spend it, so dumb. all i ever talk about wanting to do is move out, but first i have to buy a new car and pay off my debt. ....so it looks like shopping and going out to eat all the time aren't very good ideas at this point in my life. one day i'll be rich, and i'll buy whatever i please. no, really, i will. my room is a dirthole, there's stuff everywhere. tomorrow after work im going to come home, do my laundry, and clean my room... at least i hope that's what i do. then the season premiere of THE OFFICE. phat. i can never decide what to do with my hair, as soon as i do something new i miss what i had before.. it never ends! i need to sort stuff out for school so i can start in the spring. i really feel like im never going to move out and it's killing me. my mommy comes home tonight and ive missed her. everything sucks, but everything's okay. COOL.

seventy-two.

i just had the nicest and most relaxed weekend. and i was so sick the entire time. taylor took me on a date which ended up starting my weekend earlier than i thought, we had a sleepover and both took off work on friday because we were sick. i think it was my most enjoyed and stress free weekend in a long time. i loved every second of it, except the coughing. i got to babysit, which i haven't done in awhile and i was so excited all week leading up to it. i had fun.
i'm still sick now, which stinks. i left work an hour early today because i felt sick to my stomach, and i really don't want to go in tomorrow because i'm not feeling much better, but i probably will, because i should. bo's been acting weird, he has a bald spot on his hip and he's been sort of clinging or something. i called the vet and i'm taking him later this week, i hope he's fine. ..my poor little baby. marv's here visiting, i feel bad i think he misses taylor. i guess that's weird to think that a tortoise could be homesick, i mean.. he is in his same tank and everything. he just doesn't seem himself right now either. i think i might just be crazy.

i have ugly skinny eyebrows now. so sad.

seventy-one.

i wish there were reasons for why i get the way i get.

seventy.

i miss dancing so much, i feel empty without it. i wish i never quit, even from when i was 7, i wish i just kept with it, instead of taking breaks from it every couple years. i wish that there was more to do with dancing, i love performing, and i don't feel like i could ever be a dance teacher. so if i had gone to school for it like i planned, that would leave me with joining a company for a few years. who knows, maybe that could have lead to something and maybe i would have decided to teach. i just feel like it's too late at this point, if i had stayed with it, then maybe things would be a little different. i should start taking classes though. i just miss it. i dont miss gymnastics so much. well, i miss gymnastics like i miss cheerleading, it was fun. i exercised and stayed in shape doing things that i had a blast doing, i do miss that.

i guess i just miss performing.

sixty-nine.

our one air conditioner broke, and you wouldn't believe the difference it makes. i'm sitting in my underwear and i still cant escape the heat. all i have to cool me off, at all, is some jones soda. what happened to the cold nights?
i feel sort of stuck again. i mean, i moved up in my job and i'm getting a new car soon. but everything else feels the same. and not really in a good way. i guess it's good that nothing else has gotten worse, but i wish something would get better, so that i could be reassured. i don't feel good.

i miss having a best friend. it gets lonely.

sixty-eight.

"yellow hair, you are such a funny bear. slender fingers would hold me, slender limbs would hold me. and you could say my name like you knew my name. i could stay here, become someone different. i could stay here, become someone better."
i've been listening to cat power so much lately.

well, my car's done for. it will cost $1800 to fix it.. which is $600 more than what i bought it for. no thanks. so i'm buying a new one, probably this coming weekend. i drove by my car sitting at the shop yesterday and i got real sad. it looked so lonely. i liked that car for what it was. i'll miss it alot.

i feel like i've been stand-offish lately. i'm not sure how to explain it anymore than just that. i don't want to be so dependent, i sort of just want to be alone. but i can't allow myself to do that, because i know that if i isolate myself.. it just won't be a good idea. i never do good when i am alone, but i so easily begin to lean on people for support, and i don't like that. i don't like the idea that if people start to walk away i will fall. i want to know that i will be able to stand alone and have that be enough.. if it were to come to that. i don't want to be alone, but i want to know that i could be and i would still be okay. my stomach hurts, it's hurt all week. i've just felt so lousy.

i love the weather in the beginning of the fall. but my mind always gets so crazy and sad. i'm not sure why, but, it happens every year. maybe this year it won't be so bad.

sixty-seven.

this year is going to be so nice, with work at least. i hope. it seems like everyone at the daycare is real supportive of me teaching, if anyone is bitter it's the catty girls that i don't care for anyway. i'm proud of myself, i feel like my hard work and dedication to my job is really paying off. i thought i was going nowhere with this job, for so long. i'm scared and happy for september 2nd, that's when i get my new kids and everything is official. but knowing that so many people are willing and able to help me as i need it, is so reassuring, and i hadn't felt that so much at this job until now.
aside from my car, and never having money, a lot of stuff feels better right now. i think my relationships with people are better. and i think that, in large part, has to do with me paying more attention to my attitude and outlook. after i realized how badly my moods were taking a toll on the people around me, i basically had a sit-down with myself to really figure this out. if i find that i really do need help, i will get it. but i want to actually try it on my own, first. and right now i feel as if i'm doing a good job. i've had a bad few days, but i try my hardest to not let that carry on any farther past those days than it needs to. i still let my mind get the best of me, i don't think i'll ever get that right. but i try not to show it so much. i've always worn my emotions on the outside, and didn't care who saw. i shouldn't do that so much anymore, because my emotions are never so pretty. i want people to think i'm pretty, inside at least. i used to be nice and i was friends with everyone. i don't mind not being SO friendly now, people take advantage too much. so a little hate never hurt anyone. actually, i changed my mind, i'll hate all i want. but i need to stay good to my friends. which i think i've always done. but i guess i'll be good to me now too, for their sake.

i want to move out it won't happen until, probably the spring. i still have to pay off capital one, and that is turning out to be a bigger pain in the tush than i thought it would be. but, i should probably start looking for people to live with me now, so i'm ready when the time comes.

sixty-six.

"I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE. HALF OF IT IS INNOCENT, THE OTHER HALF IS WISE."

like clockwork, as soon as everything is looking up, it comes crashing right back down. my car is broken. i owned it, it was mine. my first real thing, my freedom, my step forward into getting what i want out of life. and now it's done for. i'm so sad, i'm frusterated, i'm anxious, i'm nervous, and i'm let down... OVERWHELMED. whatever.

sixty-five.

just call me teach.

i'm teaching now. that rules. not much more money, but still cool. i'm 19 and i am going to be a teacher. granted it's for 2 year olds, it's not like i'm teaching 2nd grade. but for now it'll do.

i can't wait to get out of debt and save up and move out. woot.

everything feels so alright, right now. nice.

sixty-four.

i cant believe bo is 3.

sixty-three.

I MISS WHAT WE HAD. I NEED YOU SO BADLY.

you should have seen me smiling, like the world was mine. she used to call me baby, softly sometimes. but if i dwell on those days too long i feel like my life is over, and thats no good.
so lets move on to the part where i start to sense her distance. i panic and hold on tighter that makes it worse. how am i supposed to take it when she says, "this is something im going through, its got nothing to do with you."

sixty-two.

STEADY AND FAITHFUL AS MY ANCHOR.

i've been thinking a lot again. i never think it's good when i think a lot, because the outcome is always the same - i feel crappier about myself. but this time, that was okay. right now, i have the right outlook, and i think i'll hold onto it. usually as soon as the feeling of peace comes it goes. and i'm left feeling empty, frustrated, and confused. i'm sorting out my money issues, and as hard as it is to be getting rid of money the second i have it, to pay off debts, it's okay because i know sooner than later i'll be able to have everything paid off. and i think i'm beginning to see things more realistically. i don't like it so much, only because i've always liked to day dream, but when the dreamings done and i see reality, it's always a big drop to the bottom. so i guess it's fine that i'm seeing things for what they really are now.

sixty-one.

nevermind.

nothing in my life is ever going to change. i'm going to stay miserable. and i'll always be alone.

sixty.

i'm quitting my job. my last day will probably be somewhere between august 1st and august 8th. i know you will never love, or even tolerate, every single person you work with, but i like to think that it's possible to not despise the majority of them. i work with two women, grown women; one with the worst work ethic i've ever witnessed and the other, i can't even come up with words for the other one. everything i watch the two of these women do boggles my mind, i can't begin to comprehend what makes them think anything that they do is normal or okay. if i go into full detail this will be a 2 hour rant, i know for a fact, it has happened before. ugh, i can't wait to leave.
well, now i need to find a new job. i like to think it won't be too hard, i'll have some time off, and knowing that soon there will be no more paychecks, i think i'll be more motivated. and i've never been paid real well, so i doubt it's impossible to find better pay. ah well.

hellman.

fifty-nine.

i'm starting to feel okay with me screwing up so badly. my whole life, i've tried my hardest to be "the good" kid in my family. and i always gave myself that label. it was my defense, anytime i was reprimanded, for anything, i was always so quick to remind my parents about all the things i have done right, and how i had the fewest screw ups. ..i can't really play that card anymore. and in the real world, who's going to care about how good of a kid i was? when i go look for apartments, houses, anywhere to give.. they're going to give 2 shits that my parents were able to trust me all through high school. all they're going to want to know is what kind of credit i have and that i have a steady income. well, my credit is terrible. and i work fulltime, yet i'm always broke. any bigger steps i take in life, it will be nice for ME to know that i was a fairly well-behaved kid. but for anyone else, all that will matter is who i am, now.

it's time to buckle down. i've been saying it for the past 2 + years. but it's time, now. i've finally comprehended how much i am messing myself up for the future. this is the stuff that matters. it sucks, but it's time to be an adult. i need to budget my money, i need to keep my head straight and think before i act. i can't go on luck, i never could. i don't know why, for the past couple months, i thought luck was finally on my side.

nothing's going to go my way, unless i make it. i've never had the type of life where opportunities just fell into my lap. if i ever wanted anything, i had to prepare myself to work for it. for whatever reason i thought life got easier, i don't know where my mind was, but it wasn't where it should have been.

onto, i guess, another topic..
i've been thinking a lot about my future, like far into my future. and i'm nervous. i'm so unhappy, always. and i believe in depression and ADD and ADHD and anxiety and all the things that people sometimes doubt and think are just "excuses" for someone to be a certain way. the part that scares me, is that they're chemical imbalances.. and i haven't looked into it, but i'm pretty sure hereditary. i don't want to pass this on to someone else. i don't ever want to parent a child who is this unhappy and unsure about everything in their life. i don't know if that's a weird thing to think about. but, i guess, working with kids makes me think this way. i think about how i'll raise my children and how i think they'll act. they're all so innocent and stuck in their way. i don't ever want to watch my own child go from feeling so okay about the world, to feeling so stuck and miserable, all of the time, no matter how good the people around them treat them.
i don't want to get old, i look at anyone who is old, and i get depressed and scared. i never want to be middle-aged. people seem so stressed out and unhappy. their kids are grown/growing up. they, themselves, are getting old. i guess when you get there, it's worth it. but right now it seems like such a scary place, especially for someone who's so unhappy at 19. i never want to be so old that i'm waiting to die. i never want to lose someone i've spent the majority of my life with day after day. i guess it's better, if you've had kids, and they've had kids, and you're surrounded by them. but that still must be so hard. whatta baby, right?

well, anyway.. i guess i'm really determined to be better now.

fifty-eight.

everyday i drive to work. i drive home for my break. i drive back to work. i drive home again. everytime i drive either to or from work, i pass a farm and a pond. i see little baby geese and ducks, they're so cute. and i see baby sheep, they're so cute too. one is a cow-sheep, that's what i call it. it has cow markings, but it's a sheep. anyway, that's usually.. mostly.. the only good part of my day.

i hate that one day can be so good, and the next week feel so so bad. what's even bad about my life? i don't know, not much. but i'm so miserable. i don't know what to change, other than myself. i feel like i've tried to change myself so many times, and everytime i succeed i still manage to fail, in that i haven't changed into anything better.

somedays i want to leave. go somewhere new. leave everything behind. i couldn't ever do that. i'm too dependent. i think i'm actually finally losing that. i'm letting go of holding onto people, if that makes sense. i think i finally feel a little bit okay doing some things alone.

i can't even find words, half the time, to explain how i feel. i just know i don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life - lost.