eighty-four.

"never give up. if you're looking for something easy, you might as well give it up."

i'm sitting here staring at some jammies that i almost wish i didn't own. they're sitting inside a bag filled with things i wish i didn't even have, my cell phone charger included. i know everything will be fine and in given time everything will be back to how it was a few days ago. in the mean time, i just don't want to deal with things being weird. i feel like a different person when this happens, nothing feels the same. and i never know what to do. i just keep reminding myself it's temporary. it still hurts.
some sort of cool news that i found out today.. i can get my early childhood cda for free. i'd take a class, held at my work, 2 nights a week for a couple months. i'm pretty sure cda's don't take long to get as is. but, i guess i might as well, ya know?

eighty-three.

just, remind me to never wake up again. day after day i let down everyone around me. i can't do it anymore. i hate upsetting the people i care about most.

eighty-two.

i've got plans for myself. as badly as i am needing to move out of my parents house and live on my own, i feel like i should experience some things first. i've never done much with my life, mostly i just cry and day dream, but i'd like to change that or at least add a few other things to the list of what it is that i do. first, i'll finish saving my money (probably use my tax return) and buy myself a car, again. then my plan starts. i'm going to leave for a month, two, maybe even three. this won't be for awhile, as i have to save enough money to be able to survive, but i can do it. i'm going to go places, i might know where i'm going before i go, i might not... but, i probably will. i know some people around the country, some of whom i know would let me stay with them. i think that while i'm saving money, i'm going to read books about the country, find some neat places to check out. at first my plan was to do this alone, to build up my character or something, now i'm thinking it might be nice to have a fellow needer-of-character-building to go with me. i haven't decided just yet. who knows.. in a week i might decide this is an awful idea, i hope not because this sounds so great to me right now. the best part is, i won't have any obligations, if i plan on going somewhere where i know people and can visit them, i'll call maybe a week, a few days ahead of time.. it might sound rude, but i wouldn't plan to stay with them, just visit.. but this way, if at some point i decide my experience is over and i am ready to come home, i won't feel as though i'm letting someone else down, by not visiting with them as i had promised months earlier.
i'm sure plenty of people do this sort of thing, and it doesn't sound as cool to anyone else as it does to me. but i'm not a cool person, i don't do neat things. i eat at the same places, i talk to the same people, i drive down the same roads, i sleep in the same beds, i see the same animals, the same skies, the same faces all of the time. and i love the places i eat, the people i talk to, the roads i drive down, the beds i sleep in, the animals, the skies, and the faces that i see.. but it would be okay to change those things for a little while. i don't do things alone, i am a baby and depend on everyone around me. i'm awful at reaching out and meeting new people on my own. i think that this would do so much for me, and i would really like to go through with it. i could take pictures, write everything down, and breathe. i wouldn't have a job to worry about. i wouldn't have anything going on, it would be an actual chance to take care of myself, and only myself. and really only keep in contact with the people that i wanted to, when i want to. i wish i still had a car, so i could do this as soon as i get tax money.

eighty-one.

i was waiting in line, at the movies a few days ago, we were going to see seven pounds. i started to realize that i couldn't see anything but older women with short hair, real short hair, like boy hair.. but i guess in this case - mom hair. i never want to have "mom hair." seven pounds was a real good movie, all i did was bury my face into my scarf and cry.

happy new year.

eighty.

andy kyle bear me taylor - christmas eve 2006.

it's christmas eve, well i guess morning, and i have everything done that i've needed to have done. i cooked dinner and baked dessert for the friends that i spent christmas eve with. i baked my dad a white chocolate & coconut cake for his birthday, and made white chocolate cupcakes for everyone at my grandmom's who won't want to eat coconut, tomorrow. i sent cards and candycanes home with the kids at work on tuesday and last night taylor and i took gifts to the kids i babysit. the presents i bought are wrapped and under the tree and taylor's xbox 360 is succesfully hooked up in his bedroom. i think that christmas eve and into the morning is the best part of christmastime, it's when i am most excited and feel the best. i think about how everyone's going to react to their presents, even if it's not the coolest most expensive thing, i always try to really think about people when i buy them things.

i've decided that i really like cooking and baking.. not like so much that i would want it to be my profession or anything, but i enjoy making food for people to eat. and for whatever reason i really like tiddying up afterwards. that's probably so weird, oh well.
i haven't had a goodnights sleep in my own bed for at least a week. that might be why i'm still awake right now, despite closing my eyes every 6 seconds at taylor's house, barely an hour ago. maybe, it's because i've grown used to sleeping next to someone in a sea of blankets than alone in a lonely bed. i'm so tired, though.

i hope everyone has a very merry christmas.

seventy-nine.

vans came in the mail. i'm happy for the next day. pretty sure it's a universal feeling, but getting new things always puts me into a wonderful mood. everythings still good. moneys still tight. and i'm nervous about christmas shopping. i hardly know what i am getting anyone. im pretty irritated with work lately.. since the two 2 year old classrooms were combined i feel like they dont look to me as a head teacher anymore. i mean, its okay because i am still being paid as a teacher with half of the work. but at the same time i was so excited about being in that position and knowing that all of these people had faith in me, that having it taken away is such a hard blow. after christmas i'm saving my money so much and buying a car...... again. my head hurts.

three years - thank you for being so good to me. i love you.

seventy-seven.

things feel steady, for the most part. i can't remember the last time i used the word "steady" to explain how i was feeling, well it's nice. work is work and no matter how hard it is, i will deal. my back has been in a funk, i've been having spasms since last saturday. i don't have any health insurance right now, though, so i sort of have to take matters into my own hands. ah well. i need to sort everything out for school, i think tomorrow after work i will make sure that i call. i feel as though things have actually gotten better, as i've said they would for the past 3 years. and i'm happy about that, i don't feel like such a liar anymore. i turn 20 in six months, and that sounds so old to me, i still feel like i'm in ninth grade. or i guess eleventh. i dont know. weird.

seventy-six.

i need to get it together. i need to think things out before i react however i want to. i have to stop thinking about what's "fair" and start figuring out what's "right" and "best". maybe if i fix myself, finally, everything else will start to become a better version of what it already is. or maybe it won't.. but at least i'll be better. i feel like i have so many good days, and then just a couple awful to take me back a few steps. ugh, i sound like a recovering alcoholic. but really i'm just a jerk, sometimes. well, i'm trying.

seventy-five.

i have to stop thinking so much about things that will never change. others' pasts haunt me and it's awful. there's absolutely nothing that anyone can do about it; they can't change it, they can't fix it, they can't make it disappear. i wish i were better at brushing things aside and forgetting about them. but sometimes i can't seem to wrap my head around how something was done in the first place, and even if i could, i'm sure i would regret doing so when it's all done with! so, i guess, for now and for always i'll just have to pretend it doesn't bother me. i mean, it's one of those things that no matter how much you express the toll it takes on you, nothing can be done about it. there's really no point in even thinking of it. erase my brain, already, please.

as of late, life is good. keep it up.

seventy-four.

i'm so on top of my life. had a talk with my boss about taking over another classroom and teaching my kids from last year, we'll see what happens with that. but during the talk i had with her and the kindergarten teacher i was given a decent amount of compliments about how good of a job i did over the summer and how much they like me. that was cool, always nice to hear some good feedback when youre doing something you enjoy. yesterday i called the credit card company and set up a payment plan so that i'm no longer in debt. i'll be done paying off my fine by the end of october. buying a car this weekend, second car, i hope i take better care of it. calling bucks tomorrow to set up an appointment so i can pick my classes for the spring. and then filling out paperwork so that 90% of my schooling is paid for. so my life feels pretty on track lately. we'll see how long it lasts. it's october 1st and the weather is so nice. cool and breezy, pants and a sweater/sweatshirt/longsleeve.

seventy-three.

FEELIN KINDA LAZY, I DONT LIKE THIS PLACE.

i just ordered such a great surprise for $2 and i can't wait to get it in the mail. i need to get better with my money, i'm never going to get anywhere treating money the way i do. as soon as i have it i spend it, so dumb. all i ever talk about wanting to do is move out, but first i have to buy a new car and pay off my debt. ....so it looks like shopping and going out to eat all the time aren't very good ideas at this point in my life. one day i'll be rich, and i'll buy whatever i please. no, really, i will. my room is a dirthole, there's stuff everywhere. tomorrow after work im going to come home, do my laundry, and clean my room... at least i hope that's what i do. then the season premiere of THE OFFICE. phat. i can never decide what to do with my hair, as soon as i do something new i miss what i had before.. it never ends! i need to sort stuff out for school so i can start in the spring. i really feel like im never going to move out and it's killing me. my mommy comes home tonight and ive missed her. everything sucks, but everything's okay. COOL.

seventy-two.

i just had the nicest and most relaxed weekend. and i was so sick the entire time. taylor took me on a date which ended up starting my weekend earlier than i thought, we had a sleepover and both took off work on friday because we were sick. i think it was my most enjoyed and stress free weekend in a long time. i loved every second of it, except the coughing. i got to babysit, which i haven't done in awhile and i was so excited all week leading up to it. i had fun.
i'm still sick now, which stinks. i left work an hour early today because i felt sick to my stomach, and i really don't want to go in tomorrow because i'm not feeling much better, but i probably will, because i should. bo's been acting weird, he has a bald spot on his hip and he's been sort of clinging or something. i called the vet and i'm taking him later this week, i hope he's fine. ..my poor little baby. marv's here visiting, i feel bad i think he misses taylor. i guess that's weird to think that a tortoise could be homesick, i mean.. he is in his same tank and everything. he just doesn't seem himself right now either. i think i might just be crazy.

i have ugly skinny eyebrows now. so sad.

seventy-one.

i wish there were reasons for why i get the way i get.

seventy.

i miss dancing so much, i feel empty without it. i wish i never quit, even from when i was 7, i wish i just kept with it, instead of taking breaks from it every couple years. i wish that there was more to do with dancing, i love performing, and i don't feel like i could ever be a dance teacher. so if i had gone to school for it like i planned, that would leave me with joining a company for a few years. who knows, maybe that could have lead to something and maybe i would have decided to teach. i just feel like it's too late at this point, if i had stayed with it, then maybe things would be a little different. i should start taking classes though. i just miss it. i dont miss gymnastics so much. well, i miss gymnastics like i miss cheerleading, it was fun. i exercised and stayed in shape doing things that i had a blast doing, i do miss that.

i guess i just miss performing.

sixty-nine.

our one air conditioner broke, and you wouldn't believe the difference it makes. i'm sitting in my underwear and i still cant escape the heat. all i have to cool me off, at all, is some jones soda. what happened to the cold nights?
i feel sort of stuck again. i mean, i moved up in my job and i'm getting a new car soon. but everything else feels the same. and not really in a good way. i guess it's good that nothing else has gotten worse, but i wish something would get better, so that i could be reassured. i don't feel good.

i miss having a best friend. it gets lonely.

sixty-eight.

"yellow hair, you are such a funny bear. slender fingers would hold me, slender limbs would hold me. and you could say my name like you knew my name. i could stay here, become someone different. i could stay here, become someone better."
i've been listening to cat power so much lately.

well, my car's done for. it will cost $1800 to fix it.. which is $600 more than what i bought it for. no thanks. so i'm buying a new one, probably this coming weekend. i drove by my car sitting at the shop yesterday and i got real sad. it looked so lonely. i liked that car for what it was. i'll miss it alot.

i feel like i've been stand-offish lately. i'm not sure how to explain it anymore than just that. i don't want to be so dependent, i sort of just want to be alone. but i can't allow myself to do that, because i know that if i isolate myself.. it just won't be a good idea. i never do good when i am alone, but i so easily begin to lean on people for support, and i don't like that. i don't like the idea that if people start to walk away i will fall. i want to know that i will be able to stand alone and have that be enough.. if it were to come to that. i don't want to be alone, but i want to know that i could be and i would still be okay. my stomach hurts, it's hurt all week. i've just felt so lousy.

i love the weather in the beginning of the fall. but my mind always gets so crazy and sad. i'm not sure why, but, it happens every year. maybe this year it won't be so bad.

sixty-seven.

this year is going to be so nice, with work at least. i hope. it seems like everyone at the daycare is real supportive of me teaching, if anyone is bitter it's the catty girls that i don't care for anyway. i'm proud of myself, i feel like my hard work and dedication to my job is really paying off. i thought i was going nowhere with this job, for so long. i'm scared and happy for september 2nd, that's when i get my new kids and everything is official. but knowing that so many people are willing and able to help me as i need it, is so reassuring, and i hadn't felt that so much at this job until now.
aside from my car, and never having money, a lot of stuff feels better right now. i think my relationships with people are better. and i think that, in large part, has to do with me paying more attention to my attitude and outlook. after i realized how badly my moods were taking a toll on the people around me, i basically had a sit-down with myself to really figure this out. if i find that i really do need help, i will get it. but i want to actually try it on my own, first. and right now i feel as if i'm doing a good job. i've had a bad few days, but i try my hardest to not let that carry on any farther past those days than it needs to. i still let my mind get the best of me, i don't think i'll ever get that right. but i try not to show it so much. i've always worn my emotions on the outside, and didn't care who saw. i shouldn't do that so much anymore, because my emotions are never so pretty. i want people to think i'm pretty, inside at least. i used to be nice and i was friends with everyone. i don't mind not being SO friendly now, people take advantage too much. so a little hate never hurt anyone. actually, i changed my mind, i'll hate all i want. but i need to stay good to my friends. which i think i've always done. but i guess i'll be good to me now too, for their sake.

i want to move out it won't happen until, probably the spring. i still have to pay off capital one, and that is turning out to be a bigger pain in the tush than i thought it would be. but, i should probably start looking for people to live with me now, so i'm ready when the time comes.

sixty-six.

"I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE. HALF OF IT IS INNOCENT, THE OTHER HALF IS WISE."

like clockwork, as soon as everything is looking up, it comes crashing right back down. my car is broken. i owned it, it was mine. my first real thing, my freedom, my step forward into getting what i want out of life. and now it's done for. i'm so sad, i'm frusterated, i'm anxious, i'm nervous, and i'm let down... OVERWHELMED. whatever.

sixty-five.

just call me teach.

i'm teaching now. that rules. not much more money, but still cool. i'm 19 and i am going to be a teacher. granted it's for 2 year olds, it's not like i'm teaching 2nd grade. but for now it'll do.

i can't wait to get out of debt and save up and move out. woot.

everything feels so alright, right now. nice.