fifty-seven.

wednesday morning: my mom told me that my grandpop was put on hospice. i knew he wasn't doing very good, so it wasn't much of a shock.. just sucked a lot.

wednesday night: my mom told me that one of the hospice nurses told me aunt that he only had a few weeks left in him. it broke my heart. it took me way too long to get close to my grandparents.. i only started the past few years, actually. and he's been sick for about the past 10. so i wrote my last entry and i couldn't stop crying.

thursday afternoon: i came home for my break. my dad came by and was in a rush. i quickly asked him how late the nursing home is open so i could go visit my grandpop, to which he replied "i wouldn't worry about it.. i don't think he's making it past today." i broke down. i went back to work late, with the help of people moving around their rooms, they let me leave early. i went and saw him, when the rest of my family didn't think i should, since he wasn't looking good. they way i saw it, if i went, and couldn't take it.. i could always leave. but if i didn't go, and never saw talked to him again, i would never be able to change that. he wasn't responsive at all. i hated seeing everyone so sad. i sat with him for awhile and talked to my aunts and uncles and my grandmom. my poor grandmom.

friday early evening: i called my dad while i was at work to see how my grandpop was doing, he said he seemed better. he was responsive, talking a little bit, awake sometimes. i left work 20minutes early so i could talk to him. when i got there, he woke up. he smiled at me and tried to say hi, he looked better. he smiled at me and i was so happy. my cousin left and my mom showed up, he didn't wake up. we were talking about something, and he raised his eyebrows all funny, because he liked what we were talking about. i laughed. i sat with him for awhile, and held his hand. i told him i loved him, kissed his forehead, and said goodbye.

saturday morning: i woke up to my mom asking me to clean the house with my sister, she was running around getting ready to leave. i asked her where she was going, she said my dad wanted his cell phone. then i asked how my grandpop was doing after i left, she said that he was okay, but that's how people are when they're passing - somedays good, somedays bad. i told her it didn't matter, as long as he had a good night. then i told her that i was going to jersey for a show and sleeping at danielle's house. she got real mad at me. we started fighting. i told her that i saw him the last 2 days and would go again before i left for jersey. she said "they're probably taking him to the funeral home, he wouldn't be there later." i asked what the hell she was talking about and she said "i woke you up this morning. i told you. grandpop passed at 7 o'clock this morning." every piece of my insides dropped into my stomach.

i spent the day at my grandmom's. and ended up going to the show after. she wanted everyone to leave so she could have some time alone, and i didn't think i would do well with sitting at home all night just thinking. i'm glad i went, it helped alot to have people around me. tay and i slept at joe's last night. i think i sort of needed that too. just someone to sit there/lay there with me. plus i was tired. tonight will be hard. it's already 2am, i don't feel too tired. i'm scared to lay down and think.

i'm glad you smiled at me on friday. i'm so glad i saw you. i hate that you're not here. i miss you. and i love you. you were so great to me, and i'm still sorry that it took me so long to get to know you. wednesday is going to be so hard...