fifty-six.

goodbye.

it took us way too long to get to know eachother. i'm sorry that i'll probably never know you as well as i could have. i want to spend the next few weeks living by your bedside, spending every second with you. truth is, i'm scared. you were never mean to me. i don't know why i always thought the two of you hated me, i just never knew what happened before, so things seemed different. you were the best. you still are. i remember before everything happened with you, when you were still a big guy.. you were so big. it was all at the old house. you used to tell me that you had a sweet tooth and it was special and you could take it out of your mouth.. then you'd pull it out. i tried to do that for years, haha, i only recently remembered and figured out what it really was. and you used to have those casino games in your house, but i'm pretty sure i always had to put the money back.. maybe not. either way, it was so fun. and the big swings on the porch, that was such a fun house. i was so little. i don't know why i never tried to have a better relationship with you. i regret that so much, i want to be close to you. i'm so sorry. thanks for always have sorbet for me, since noone could ever get me to eat anything else when i came over. i miss you already. i just want to give you a big hug that never stops. this isn't fair. and i don't know how to handle only having you around for a few more weeks.. and knowing that. i love you so much. i really do. i don't know what she's going to do without you. you're so in love with eachother. over the past few months everytime i had to watch you say goodbye and not know when you would see eachother again, it broke my heart. you're the best people i know. and i can't stand the thought of losing one of you. i love you. hold on just a little longer, if you can, i need more time with you.

fifty-five.

whatever.

my birthday is in just about 2weeks. nineteen. nothing new.

i want a new job. and i need to write out a budget so that i can know how much money i need to make sure i have each month to pay things off. i still have no health insurance. why is it so expensive? i just want to be given a couple pills when i get sick so it doesn't last for 3 weeks like this past, whatever i had, did. ...and then i want to move out. PLZ.

owning a car is so great. last night my dad said "i'll tell you what, leave now and you won't have to pay off the car." ..if i had somewhere else to live i would have taken him up on that offer. dang.

taylor's still a nice boyfriend. :)

fifty-four.

toilet paper. so you're peeing and/or pooping on the toilet, you finish, time to wipe! you're down to the last little bit of toilet paper, but it's just the right amount for you to be clean enough to go. so you use it, and you leave an empty roll.. i can understand this, you just suck and you're really lazy. NBD, right? right. OKAY. so this time you finish and it's time to wipe. BUT, you don't have enough toilet paper to get the job done. sooo, you use what's left and you get out a new roll. HOWEVER, you fail to throw out the empty one and put the full one on the holder and you just leave it sitting on the counter. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES IT TAKE TO DO THIS? i hate it. it kills me everytime.

anyway, i have a car. that's cool. i got accepted to bucks. i need to take my placement tests and stuff. noone seems to be that proud of me for taking the initiative to apply. i mean, i guess to most people it's no big feat. OOOH COMMUNITY COLLEGE, YOU'RE REAL COOL. well, i am real cool. that was a big step for me. i am awful and going ahead and doing these sort of things on my own. i get anxious and i want to barf. but i did it. i committed to going back to school, back to having homework... full time, and at night, so that i can work full time to save money and pay my way through school. i am going to be pretty busy, i suppose. but i'm finally determined to do what i have to to make my life better. and right now, this seems to be it.

i think i'm quitting my job soon. after i find a new one, of course. i don't like it. there's no organization, i don't make good money.. those are just two on the laundry list of things making me want to leave. i think i want to teach elementary school one day, though. right now, i think i just might want a desk job. like a secretary or something. it could be cool.

i joined the gym, i just can't take classes yet.. 'cause i didn't pay. ha. i'm really excited though. i like working out, i'm just bad at doing it on my own at home. they have a dance studio there too, so that would be nice if i could get back into dance. all i'd do is ballet and maybe pointe. i'd totally be into modern and lyrical if they had that, but they don't. it will feel so good to be doing something, again.

i think sprinkles lost weight, that sucks. she still snores though. fattie.

WTF. this has been pretty optimistic.
well, have a good day. 'cause i sort of am.
it's so nice outside. :)

fifty-three.

"just tryin to get somewhere. just end up getting by."

i'm losing my mind right now.

fifty-two.

i've felt pretty okay the past couple days. i still want to get help, i think, 'cause it's not like this isn't a continuous pattern. but a lot has been sorted out, and as difficult as it seemed at first, it's okay. i'm okay. things are feeling better and not so hopeless. i like not feeling hopeless...

fifty-one.

i think about calling it quits every day of my life.

fifty.

i want to go away. i need life to stop for awhile.
a break from it, for things to get better.

forty-nine.

i'm scared that you were happier before me. and i'm scared that it's because of me and not just some coincidence. i feel so sick to my stomach. all i can think about is going to work tomorrow, and how i feel like i'm in no shape at all. i want to come see you right now. i just want to feel like this is what you want, again.

i'm tired of doing this. of feeling so down on myself. not believing that there's any good. why can't i just accept something for what it is, and leave it at that? why can't i just take it? i always have to fight things and think that they aren't what they seem. it's tearing my apart, i can't keep feeling this way.

i need to stop letting you down. i need to stop letting everyone down. i can't get anything right. why can't i just.. make everything better?

help.

forty-eight.

as upset as i get about things, the worst part is knowing that you're usually feeling the same way.


thanks for not giving up.

forty-seven.

things are weird. all the time. i am going to get help, i think. because i think i need something. something bigger than someone to lean on. all i see is bad. i don't trust anyone, i've realized that i don't think anyone who talks to me has any good intentions. i can't find the things that make me feel okay. i want to get help. i've never wanted help like this before. i'm ready to not be so stubborn. i'm ready to understand that this is something to help me, not to change me, not to hurt me.. to help me.
i always get these feelings, i've had them ever since i can remember. and the only way i can describe it is "i don't feel like myself." they used to be few and far between, now i get them at least everyday. and it makes me feel so uneasy. it's just a bad feeling, and i don't feel okay, and i don't feel right. maybe getting help will make that go away.


jesus christ, i'm not scared to die. i'm a little bit scared of what comes after.

forty-six.

nothing's getting better. it never will. i can't do this anymore. i'm tired of the same thing all the time, i can't get better. i feel like every bit of good i had left, is slipping away. i'm losing.

dammit.

forty-five.

so perfect, i miss you roogiepie.

i just want to feel at peace with things, and i don't think i ever will. i'm not at home here. things are never good. they are such a family without me, i feel so out of place. i can't keep doing this. i can't stay here. i need to have a car and i need to move out. before the fall, i think it really needs to happen before the fall. i'm losing every ounce of faith and hope and optimism. i'm not going to have anything left. i can't do this. i can't stay here. i can't.

forty-four.

why won't anything change? i'm a liar. i've said time and time again, "things will change, they'll get better." well, they haven't. i'm sorry. i was convinced that by now, things would be falling into place. maybe it's not up to us anymore, maybe we need someone else's help. maybe just you need someone else's help or maybe just i do. either way, we need help. it's not okay to feel this way all of the time. i know it's a sad world, but i know there's good in it, too. i want to see the good. i am exhausted, my heart needs to be put in a better place. i can't spend all my time seeing the bad and the sad, anymore. it's too much. i am eighteen. why can't i feel that way? i try too much, i don't want to try anymore. i want to give up. i don't want to give up, i just feel like it's the only thing left. i want someone to reach out a hand, and help. actually help, not just want to. wanting to help is good, this isn't a diss at you if you have wanted to help me. it's hard to help when you don't know what's wrong. i don't blame you. this is me. this was me before you. and this will be me, until... i dono't know. hopefully not forever. i hope you're always there. i doubt things sometimes, lots of things, most times i don't say it outloud, because i know i am just being... me.
you're the only person who sees me for me. you like the things about me, that i hate the most. and you stay. you stay with me all of the time. no matter what i am doing. and i'm sorry for not always being good, i know it gets to be a lot. but i feel so, not in the right place all of the time. it's hard to act okay when you don't feel okay. thankyou. thankyou for not giving up on me. thankyou for staying by me. thankyou for making me feel okay. just, thankyou.
i like listening to music that makes me think of the winter of 2005. i think that that was the best time of my life. so much change was happening. but so much of it was the best change of my life.

fall 2008... if things aren't looking better by then, i will lose any hope i have left.

forty-three.

my only good thing. my only constant.

forty-two.

i can't stop crying. and it's literally for everyone. for anytime anyone has ever felt helpless, useless, or any word with the idea of "less" to it.

fuck.

forty-one.

it feels so good when people show they care. it feels even better when people haven't changed.

christmas.. it didn't even feel like christmas. this year was rough, financially for my family... well, in a lot of ways too, but i'm talking finance right now. every year is hard, money-wise, but this year was worse.. i thought. i didn't expect anything and i didn't ask for anything. taylor bought me a nice coat and he's going to buy reign over me, for me too. i saw him a lot more before he left, than i thought i would. so that was real nice. taylor's mom bought me earrings and a little purse. his dad and step-mom bought me a $50 gift card to h&m. my grandmom, despite so many things, gave me $200. jamie gave me nose-rings. christopher and natasha gave me a little teaset, some movies, a book, and candy. my mom and my dad gave me victorias secret perfume, socks, and $300. both times i opened up card to find $200 and then $300, i came close to crying, but held back because i didn't want to upset anyone else. i don't know why anyone gave me that much money.. and i know to some people, that isn't a big deal. but i am grateful for what i am given, especially considering who it is from. i woke up christmas morning, and immediately the fighting began. i lost my temper, and that set the pace for the day. my mom and dad fought about me, throught the morning. i wanted to die. i literally, was waiting to just die. i know, so dramatic. i went to see my grandpop and the hospital, and had there not been so many people there, i would have had to leave to go cry. i regret never getting close to any family.

i didn't really feel like making this long. but, i do complain all the time. and i thought it was needed... for me to explain that i do appreciate everything good that i have. i just feel like there is a lot that needs to change, most of which is up to me.

i'm convinced. things can be okay. things will be okay. i won't be like this forever, and i won't be here forever. my life is going to change and it is going to get better. and i am going to feel okay about where i am, what i am doing, who i am with, and how it's all happening.

thank you for reading, thank you for caring. really.

forty.

i don't want this to be my future. i'm scared to end up the same way my family has. we're okay. but that's it. we are only okay. we're just getting by, all of the time, in every aspect of the word. whether it be money, relationships, health.. we are always.. just. getting. by. i can't do this forever. i need it to change. i need to feel better about where i am going. this is all i have ever witnessed life to be, i need to see that it can be something more. i am convinced, at this point, that this is all i will amount to. i feel terrible saying this, like my mom isn't a wonderful person... she is. i just don't want to end up in her position..

i was never scared to love people. lately i've been getting there. i can't stand my dad, my mom loves him. i don't want to marry someone like him.. i don't think i will.. but people can change. i don't know, i'm just scared. i don't want my life to be like this. no one's happy. i need to leave. i need to see something better.

i need to know that people can last, that people can be happy, that people can make it.. i need to know that i can make it. i have no faith in myself. i have little faith left, at all.

i just need someone to care. i don't know..

thirty-nine.

i know i should be, but i just can't get it to happen. i can't be happy, at least not for long. i always feel so useless. i don't make things better, for anyone. i make everything harder. i feel like nothing's worth it anymore. i'm so exhausted. i can't figure out what to do with my life, and time is moving too fast. i'm so scared of where everything's going. i don't even know where to start. i just want to be better. i want to feel better. i just want better, for everyone. "i can't do this anymore" crosses my mind too many times a day. i just want to give up.

i don't get it, i don't know why i do this - why i get so fucking upset over nothing. it just seems that no matter how hard i try, things won't get better for anyone or myself.

i don't know what i want to do in life. i need to feel like i am useful, so far i don't.

ugh, i'm going go to bed.

thirty-eight.

i just read a few posts from a little over a year ago, and i feel discouraged. i kept talking about how i would be moved out by now, at a school doing something great, and living with people who made me happy all of the time... hopefully in philly. none of that has happened. i am at home, car-less, working 40 hours a week. i'm just sick of reading over things and never being happy. i wasn't happy then, but i was certain that i would be happy within the next year. and here i am, the same. i haven't made anyone's life any better. i don't feel wanted. it's been 2 years of me convincing myself and the people around me that "the better days are close. things are going to be better soon." ...well, they haven't yet. i'm not miserable, i'm not. i just can't seem to get myself to relax and realize that things are okay. i'm convinced that i am what's holding everyone back. and the fact that no one else is happy, is what is keeping me down.

i feel like everyone else is moving forward and i am stuck. i am always going to be stuck. i'm always going to be here, and i am always going to feel this way. i'm stopping while i'm ahead. i can't do this, not right now. i don't feel like panicking tonight.

thirty-seven.

i've moved on to a new kind of pain. it's not for me anymore, it's not self-pity, and it's not bitterness. it's the kind of pain you feel when you know that someone you care about is at one of their lowest points and isn't happy at all, losing hope. and you know that there isn't much you can do but stand by them, just like you have in the past.

this is one of the worst pains i've ever had. i can deal when i'm upset about my own problems. but i hate for anyone else to ever feel the way i have, or worse.

i can't stop crying right now. and i can't stop being so angry at any person who has ever hurt you. i just want you to be able to see what i see. because i don't see a monster, not at all.

i hate for anyone to hurt. i hate for strangers to feel sad. i hate to think about people i've never even met feeling a single bad feeling. i hate that there are people who exist who can't even realize the crap that they are putting someone through.

humans are the worst. i need to go to bed.