thirty-six.

ah fuck it. i have been in such a good mood all night. for no reason at all. just happy and cheerful, it ruled. and then out of nowhere i just started thinking, and thinking, and then getting bummed out. i don't even know what i start thinking about half of the time, but whatever it is, i get sad. i hate not knowing things. even more so when i don't know whether i'd rather know all about it, or just stick with knowing only minimum details like i currently do. sometimes i think i'd rather everything just be out there, so that i could know and always know, and when i get uneasy i would know whether i'm being unreasonable or not. even though i'm sure i'd mostly just be unreasonable. i'm such a fucking retarded, swear to god. i suck.

my new job is starting to take it's toll on me. i am exhausted when i get home. i need to tell wendy that i'm not going to work past this tuesday at the gym.

nothing seems consistent anymore. everything's always really up or really down.

my thoughts are going a mile a minute. damnit.

thirty-five.

i started a new job this week, i love it so much. i love working with kids, and 2 year olds rule! they're still super cute like babies, but they can talk to you too! and when you can't understand them, if you just say "OH YEAH!?" they keep going. it's awesome. i just need to get some full time hours so that i can make lotsa money and get a car.

things never change with my family. i feel like i'm truly alone in this house. my mom comes around every so often, it seems to be whenever my dad's not around, but she's still not there as frequent as i'd like. my sister and i have not been getting along at all lately, and as upset as it makes me, it doesn't bother me just as much. i don't understand her, and as much as i want to say it's us being petty. it's been this way my entire life, and i've always felt like she deliberately tries to hurt me. i feel like she is trying to put herself on a higher pedestal and to get there she has to take me down. my dad, ever since i could talk he has been against me. it hurts, he has never taken the time to talk to me or get to know me in any way. he's the only dad i have, there's not some other person i can go to and call dad. he's it, and it stinks.

i miss christopher so much. he's the only person who i feel like i can talk to and he gets it. and he actually cares, and he has something to say in response. whether it's about how happy he is for me, or a way to make myself happier. he's always been there.

i just feel like any other time that i try to talk, about anything, noone wants to hear it.

blah, i don't know.

i want to be moved/moving out by this time next year. just a nice little apartment. i don't want to live by myself, though. i don't think that that would be a very smart plan. so, if you want a roommate, let me knooow. LOL.

i just want to get past this point. i feel like i've been so stuck. with all of the same unhappiness, i want it to go away. and i want to feel better. and i think that once i have my car and i'm able to come and go. and also whenever i move out. with time i'll start to feel happy again.

i have a good job.
i need a car.
i need to save money.
i would like to move out.

thirty-three.

i don't feel good. i'm real frustrated, with a lot.

it's weird. i feel like i've done everything in my life, the wrong way. like i've just gone about things completely the opposite than i should have. i don't get it. i usually don't feel regret, and i still don't. but i feel like i should feel regret or something. it's so confusing. and it makes me just want to hide. i can never pinpoint what it is that makes me sad/upset. unless someone is yelling at me or something. and this is no different. i'm not sure what it is or why, i just feel unsure.

sometimes i just want a second shot, to try everything all over. but there are 2 reasons that, if given the opportunity, i am pretty sure i would pass. 1) i like some things about where i am, and they are too good to give up, just to try and make other things better. & 2) i don't feel like going through certain bullshit again. so, even if starting over were an option.. it wouldn't really be one.

i wish it were easier to talk to people about these things. i never want to bring people down by going on & on & on about my issues, or lack there of. and even more so, i don't want to frustrate or confuse them because i can't even explain myself. ..like, i don't even know what my deal is, how could i even try to talk to someone else about it. it really sucks to not be able to talk about shit.. no matter how badly you want to.

it's scary. i was at such a crappy point, before taylor came along. and he really helped to pull me out of it. and even though i sometimes feel like i'm in a real bad spot.. i know that things are at least okay, because he's still around and he cares. and i'm scared for what i would feel like if he weren't. it's nice to think of it like "ohhhh, you saved me, how lovely." but that's scary, like... i had to be saved? and i don't mean this bad. i love taylor, so much. and i am so happy to have him in my life as my boyfriend and as my best friend because he is the best. but it's just a weird thing, to think that someone sort of, saved you or whatever....

i don't know.. i still don't feel good.

thirty-two.

i got a job. it's at newyork&company. i went in for orientation today, i don't know when i actually start. i think it's going to be really weird/kinda hard to get used to. oh well. today, i got my license. yeahp, it took me until i was 18 to get that. whatever, i have it now. i just need to get a car.

i've been making sure to put myself on better terms with people. it's nicer, to not be worrying about stuff so much. i'm just sick of seeing people get walked all over. so i defend them, and i guess, ultimately bring myself into those situations.... yeah.


i always get bad feelings. and then i get real sad. it's weird and frustrating... i don't know.

thirty-one.

well, i graduated and that rules. definitely didn't see that happening. hopefully i will be able to change my habits next year, with college, and not procrastinate so much.
summer is upon us and i am very happy. i'm all done with my first real job in a week, after 3 years of the same thing. i'm glad i didn't quit in the middle of the year as i would have liked to many of times. the end came soon enough, just like i kept telling myself. and now i won't be leaving on bad terms, and (god forbid) if i ever change my mind, they will most likely take me back. i realized alot about working there, however, over the last month. for instance, i started being treated much differently after a certain incident a little less than 2years ago that didn't pertain to anyone of the people who began treating me differently. i don't like that they were such nosey people who would bring themselves into other people's business and then allow that to effect the way that they were treating others. i don't know, it's what you get for working with all girls. ...so yeah, having no job and then a new job will be weird.
i'm always so nervous about everything. i think too much, and it always gets the best of me. and i bring people down. noone wants to be around me anymore and that's a crappy feeling. but basically, i guess it's all on me.... i have a headache, and it's not going away.

i need to use this again.

thirty.

i sat at home all day today.

there was a specific reason i had my day filled with things to do. to keep myself busy. so that my mind couldn't wonder and i wouldn't get upset. well, i did nothing, yet another reason i hate snow.

i got inside my head, just like i knew i would. i was okay for the first few hours. until 5-ish.

i'm not happy. i try to be. and i try to be satisfied with things exactly how they are. but i'm not.

nobody wants me around.

i don't think people understand exactly how unwanted i feel. and it's always been that way.

i don't want to care anymore.

i'm really upset right now. i feel like i'm failing at everything. and it's a terrible feeling.

i'm no good.

twenty-nine.

i'm no good at speaking up for what i want.

i have no beliefs on politics, religion, society, etc. none. i don't know where i stand with anything. i don't know what kind of person i am. if i care, or if i don't. i change each day. and that is getting harder and harder to deal with. i don't know how to react to situations. i always want to put the people i care most about, before myself. but that begins to take it's toll after some time. i don't want to be selfish. but i want to find that happy median. ..that happy median is always so hard to find.

i don't know.. FTW.

twenty-eight.

my senior year is winding down. and i'm not ready. i haven't even handed in my grad. project yet. i feel more behind than everyone else. i feel like most people at least have an idea about what they want to do with their lives. and i don't, at all. and i know that it's okay, that most people don't know what they want to do for the rest of their lives at the age of 18. and even if they do, they usually change their minds. but even a little bit of an idea would be okay for me to have. right now, i just know that i like hanging out with kids. cool.

i'm going to be 18 in a little over a month. WTF?! i don't think anyone looks at me, or sees the way i behave and thinks "mature." i know i that just because society will now view me as an adult, that doesn't mean that i, all of a sudden, have to drop my childhood and immediatly take on loads of responsability. i would just like to feel as if i am on the right track.

i don't think i ever took anything serious enough. i mean, i have stressed over school on many accounts, i always knew it would matter later on. but i never fully committed myself, it has always been a "next year it will be better" kind of thing. i am still doing that. i keep insisting that i am more of a "college person" than a "high school kid." this could be a correct assumption, but just as easily i could be wrong.

i am just scared that i am going to make the wrong choices and end up in a bad spot and not able to fix it.

there are things i want to do next year, with my life, not just school, but i'm not sure where other people who would be involved stand. and so i am still nervous to say anything. i don't know. it's weird.

sometimes, i get into my head a lot. and i mess with my mind. it's annoying, i get extremely worked up over things that don't matter. i start to get anxious about everything, it's weird as shit and i hate it.

i'm starting to isolate myself a lot, again. at least from the people i see on an everyday basis.

i miss my brother.

and my half-brother, who keeps saying he will come visit. but he probably never will. and the only way that i will ever see him again is if i take a trip down to georgia and call him and tell him that i am there. even then he'd probably be too busy to catch up.

thankyou for dealing with me, through everything. i know i'm not perfect or anywhere near. but you treat me like i am. and you make my life easier than i could have ever imagined it being. you da bomb.

twenty-seven.

i'll write this in here, because i only want the people who will care / understand to read it. i know more people than will read this, care about me. but it comes down to who is actually going to understand where i am comming from and will help me out a bit.
what it comes down to, is that my family doesn't like me.. honestly. i am not a bad person.. i don't do drugs, i don't drink, i don't throw parties, my parents almost always know where i really am, i have a job, i'm not completely failing school, i do extra curricular activities.. i do my part. granted, i am a bum sometimes. i complain when i am asked to help out. but really, who doesn't ever complain? this other kids in my family have.. had warrants out for their arrest and haven't come home to visit for 5+ years, thrown house parties while my family was away, snuck out to meet their boyfriends, done multiple amounts of drugs, stolen my parents beer, and shit of the same content. this isn't a low-blow to anyone in my family, people have their downsides, and i know that i am not a perfect. i can be a bitch and i can be lazy. however, that is not an every day occasion.
when i am with my family i tend to feel like the outcast. nobody ever seems to want me around, find me interesting, or find me funny. we recently went out to dinner and a discussion of my sister's myspace came up, yeah, we talked about myspace. she was saying she needs help designing hers, so trying to be funny i say, "yeah, because nobody likes your myspace." the table turns to me with a look of disgust and of course my dad mumbles, but fairly clear & loud, "figures, she has to be the little bitch she is, and come up with that." and as that is being said my brother goes, "to be fair, your myspace does suck." ...everyone bursts out into laughter. so WHY is what i said so horrible, but if my brother says it, it's a huge joke?! it's been like this, as long as i can remember. but, i used to be spoiled and i was too young to recognize the difference. well now, it's literally become a daily thing of arguing about stupid shit with my mom. OF ALL PEOPLE, MY MOM!
with my dad, i understand completely why he doesn't care much for me. out of all of his kids, i am sort of the one who just stands up to him. when my dad gets in my face with threats to hit me and so on and so forth, i sort of give it right back to him, and he knows that if he was to ever touch me, i would make his life hell, because i have made that more than clear PLENTY of times. i don't baby it up and take his shit. and NO, i am not trying to sound tough, because i do cry about it. whether it is while i am screaming at him, or afterwards when i am in my room and emotions are running high. it's stupid, and i am sick of it. i am tired of being disliked because i don't enjoy being treated like shit. it's come to the point where i am just plain and simple the bitch of my family, that they can't wait to get rid of. i keep reasurring everyone that i am only around for a few more months, but i just get attitude and immaturity in response.

whatev. i am going to go to Bucks. i wanted to do MontCo, but turns out the tuition will double and that's bullshit.

thanks for reading.

twenty-six.

i am filled with hate.

twenty-five.

i don't know what to do about next year anymore. the last thing that i want is to live in philly by myself or with a complete stranger. i know tons of people dorm & it's usually with someone you have never met. but something about that just scares me. i'd be paired with the creepiest chick alive, and that does nothing for me but take away any excitement i had. UARTS had nice dorms & i know a girl going there, so that would probably be less bad. too bad, i am already pushing myself away from going there. i am not going to dance in my life after college, so why go to school for it, ya know? well, i'm not going to go to any college if i don't get my shit together right now. ugh.

i'm going to stop setting myself up for a let down. it's annoying, i constantly get excited for things that don't end up happening. there's not any one specific thing, just in general, i get stoked about things & then all plans just fall through.

i hate school more and more each day.

twenty-four.

seriously, what's my problem?


edit;
i sometimes get to be too much of a mess. and all my thoughts get jumbled and i find myself not thinking straight. but then i get straightened out. i do hate, or strongly dislike, whatever it is i have become & i have some work to do. my mind set has changed, nothing crazy... or nothing that affects many people. but something that affects me enough, to fix it. if that makes sense. whatever, i am rambling.

i love you.. that's not changing.

twenty-three.

i'm losing.

i feel like the number of people who actually give a shit is lessening by the day. feeling this way sucks. i don't feel like explaining.. it is, what it is.

i still have a lot of things that rule though [my boyfriend. my family. the friends that do stick around. my job's cool. and i'm doing alright with school.], so okay.

anyway, my grandpop left the hospital on thursday, and my grandmom went in friday morning. she's not doing well at all. and if she doesn't make it, the expectations aren't too high for my grandpop. i hate seeing it that way, but that's what i've been told. i love them, i don't want them to go. i feel like i've just started to get closer to them again. my mom's mom just went into the hospital too, i'm not sure how serious or unserious it is yet though. so hopefully she is fine too. i rarely see my mom's family, i've always liked 'em though. ...so wish them well.

♥

twenty-two.

it's easier for me when shitty people take themselves out of my life. and i think i am pretty good at realizing who is good, who is bad, when to speak up and when to swallow my pride. and because of that, i don't worry too much about the decisions i make. i have decided that if someone wants to end all ties with me, to let them. there is not point in begging someone to stick around if that is not what they want. so i'll accept it, learn from it, and live with it. i'll be happy about the good times spent, and not have to worry about the bullshit said anymore. i am okay with it. things end, better they end on agreement. so i'll agree with it.

i need to manage money better + save it. a lot a lot a lot.

my grandpop is in the hospital. he's there a lot. my eyes started to water today when i saw him, i didn't cry though no one else seemed too upset. it just scares me. i feel this bond with my grandpop, even though we were never real close, i don't think. when i was really little we may have been, i don't remember much. he had these false teeth or maybe just one and i didn't know, and he would tell all of us kids that he had a sweettooth that he could take out and he would take one tooth out. i always tried to do it too. he was a pretty big guy, if i remember correctly. i guess i didn't realize how much he has aged. i like to think that everyone else stays the same even though i grow up. anyway, everytime i see him, i feel like he actually cares to see me and is happy. whereas the rest of my family (aunts and uncles) don't seem to phased by it all. it's weird. but i love my grandpop, and i want him to be happy and healthy.

loveyoubabe.♥.. fa real.

have a good one.

twenty-one.

i need to not be so selfish all the time. i find myself saying things, to the people i care about, that hurt them. it's always unintentional, but always for the sake of throwing a fit over something and making it out to be bigger than it is. afterwards, everytime, i feel horrible and i want to take it back. i just need to think things out more, before i follow through.

this christmas will be interesting. i'm trying to get everyone real nice presents, but unfortunately i am not working nearly as much as last year, so it's hard. not to mention, we [my family] are apparently having financial issues, which is nothing new. however, i thought that this year we were doing better. i was wrong. it's okay, i am not going to whine about how i am not going to get everything that i wanted because, well, i didn't want too much to begin with. and i know that my parents feel horrible about it. i don't understand why this happens. my parents do all that they can to allow us to live comfortably, and to give their kids and eachother what we/they want. it's unfair to see good people put into difficult situations. i mean, it's not horrible, we aren't out on the street and we aren't scraping dumpsters for food, nor are we even close to that situation. more so, everything is being cut down and i have to watch my mom try to keep her pride, while admitting that she can't do all of this alone and she needs her kids help. i hope, either way, it's a nice christmas.

i need to get my reccomendation letter written for UARTS, already. i think part of the reason i am holding back, aside from me not liking to call people, i am scared to have everything sent to UARTS and have them reject me. knowing that i get to go to that school, will enable me to see that all of our plans for next year are possible. UGH! i just want to see it all work out.

the best thing in my life, i love you.
have a nice day/night. ♥.

twenty.

learn your limits. check yourself when you're being out-of-line. understand when it's just not your place. grow up and start acting like an adult... the one's that this is applyng to, most likely won't read this. therefore i can write it and get it out of my system and be 75% sure that it won't backfire. and if it does, i brought it on myself. i don't like when people come into other people's business and make comments that are untrue and unnecessary. that happened two times last night, almost simultaneously. the second time resulting in someone being out of line and making me completely uncomfortable and honestly, scared. while the other person just sat by laughing. fuck, i hated it. and i am so close to just no forgiving the one and making it hard for the other to gain my respect again. i don't understand where any of it came from. but it started, flat out, because they don't know their limits. if you're going to drink, drink to where you are still fun and not an obnoxious fucking bitch or a complete asshole to people who don't deserve it. i want to be over this, and just say that shit happens. but this shit shouldn't. ecspecially with the one person being someone who i considered a real good and close friend. needless to say it was a rough night.

i don't know what's going on with some things. but i am just going to let people what they need to do, and sort of accept it. if someone wants to just walk away, whether it hurts me or not, i am going to let them. no sense in begging someone to stick around if that's not what they're going to want. in the end, people where end up where they have let themselves go. i don't want to hold anyone back from where they end up. i am just going to accept what's thrown at me, and hope that the things that are making me happiest don't go away. because, well that would stink, alot.

i am going to maintain my positive attitude, through whatever is thrown at me. and i am going to be happy with whoever has chose to stick by myside. and where ever i end up a year from now, i guess, is where i should be and hopefully it keeps me happy. i am going to work, so hard, to be where i want next year. i know for a fact, that i would be happy to see it all happen.

i'll be alright.

♥mybestfriend.

nineteen.

and so it goes...
I am going to graduate. I am going to start putting fourth 100% into everything that I do. I am going to begin to actually show that I care as much as I really do. I am going to be honest, and tell people what's really wrong and when it's wrong.. if they ask me. I'm going to be better, with my life. I am going to treat it how I want it to work out. If I want my life to rule, I have to accept it when it does rule. Ya feel me?

So it stinks when I get like this, but this isn't me being all "mushy gushy // lovey dovey" .. okay? But, my boyfriend rules. He has really helped me to realize alot. So many things, that I could have learned so easily if someone would have just taken the time to show me. He's let me see that things aren't as bad as I make them out to be. And when I get stressed out, it's usually over something that I can easily overcome. Having him take the time to help me so much in this past year, makes me feel alot better about things. I like when people show me how much they care. i love him alot.

That being said, I need to say some more. My friends rule. Perfect examples being, KayG, MJB, Zol, and Ran. This isn't saything that my other friends aren't really cool or awesome or anything. But I just think that these people deserve to be recognized. All four of them listen to what I have to say, and I am pretty sure that they all really do care. They help me when I am down, and actually show an interest in how I am feeling or what's going on in my life. I love it and them.. so much.

So point is, I am turning around and making my life better. And I love the people in my life.

Oh and that this post is on the lamey side, my bad. They'll get better again.

Have a good one.♥.

eighteen.

so i would have to imagine, that it's something about me... do i have too high of expectations? or maybe i just get bored of people? am i that UNBARABLE to be around?... i don't know.

i have never had that "core" group of friends. you know, like those one or two people who have stuck by your side for a long time. whether it be from chilhood, middle school, the begining of high school, etc. i have just never had that. i keep in touch, a bit, with the people who have played large parts in my life, so that's good. but no one ever really stays close. sometimes, it's okay. most of the time, it's not.

anyway, i can't help but notice lately, that i am drifting away from a lot of people. in some situations, it's okay. they are the people who, i think, have been making things more difficult. like i have said before, i depend on people. sooo, even if i don't really feel like you're doing any good in my life, if you were to turn around and be like "well, i don't like you." it would upset me a bit.

i've just seen it a lot. i want to find the people who are going to stick by me and keep them there. there are truthfully about 6people, MAXIMUM, who i know that i can count on these days. this isn't even the list of people who i know will ALWAYS be there, i hope that they will, but that's not what i am talking about. that is the number of people who RIGHT NOW, i know will try to help me. who knows, that may even be over-doing it. it stinks. but it's happening and i can't change it. nah mean?

i'm just feeling real, mixed-up. i don't know what to do about things, all that much lately. it seems that as soon as i get to breathe again, there is something else just waiting to stress me out. ...i probably analyze far too much.

seriously, i'm just stupid. haha.
but, my life still rules.
despite all of this weenie stuff.

have a good one. ♥.

seventeen.

brittany and i finished my audition piece for UARTS yesterday. it only took us 2 practices to start&finish it. i am so releaved that it's done. and everyone who has seen it has given nothing but positive feedback. i am absolutely in love with it, and i feel real confident going in there with this dance. i actually feel like i have a real chance to get into this school. hopefully my SAT scores will be nice enough. i still need to talk to a former dance teacher for my recomendation letter. and finish filling out my transcript. but i am feeling confident.
i am improving in school. it's taken my whole schooling life to get the hang of it, but i am finally putting forth an effort. i always knew that i could do fine in school, even excell in certain things. i just never really could focuse/get started/put in that extra energy outside of school. i am not a stupid person, i just have a hard time getting started. anyway, i'm good. i'm good. i just have to get my ass in gear with that WEEEEE LIL THING, my grad project, heh.
life rules, hopefully things will keep going according to plan. and by next year i'll be livin with my faves, cheelin in our apartment, attending UARTS, driving, making some monies, loving life, comming home to visit, and totally happy! i hope i am not getting my hopes up and psycing myself out for absolutely nothing though.

YO! have a frieking good one! ♥!

sixteen.

it just occured to me that soon i'm really going to have to make life-altering decisions. granted i won't be all alone, i can still ask people for advice and what have you. but nonetheless, when it comes down to it i will be the one making those decisions. it's all a little bit scarey. but i think i am begining to welcome adulthood with open arms. and although i still have my doubts, i am really getting used to the idea of growing up. i am by no means ready to be on my own, in any sense of the word. however it is, inevitably, going to happen. i am going to have to make payments on things.. i am going to have to rely on myself to create a functioning schedule and follow it.. the list goes on, and it gets more and more intimidating. but i really think that i'll be okay. actually, this is the first time that i have ever thought of growing up, and realized that it is something that i will be able to handle and responsability isn't going to eat me alive. i am excited to make decisions, whether they be beneficial or not and to learn from them.

my mind-state, overall lately, has been thumbs up. i'm trying to maintain a positive attitude through everything, and i think it is finally starting to show. i am still working towards being a better person altogether. i want to be nice to people, and not have anything against them until given fair reasoning. i'm sick of acting tough and playing it off as if i don't give a shit. because when it comes down to it, i do, i always have, and i always will. i care what people say, i care what people do, and i care what people think, that's just how i am. no, that does not mean that i obsess over the things that people say, do, or think. it just means that i have a general interest in it. i really am an okay person, deep down, i'm just trying to show it again.

i'm getting it all together. it's taken nearly 18years to get everything straightened out. but i'm finally getting close. i have the ideas, i think i've got the motivation, i have the perfect people to support me, and i still have time. it's gonna happen. god, i rule!

have a good one.♥.