five,

i keep things bottled up for too long.

anytime i have any doubt, or any negative feeling at all, i convince myself that it's silly and not worth obsessing over. yet somehow, i obsess over it still. i never want to come out and admit to my negativety and tell people what is wrong. because im scared that it will create an unnecessary conflict. and i hate conflict more than anything. i hate being put down and made to feel stupid. and im always scared that that's how it will turn out.
sometimes i feel like people are cornering me. and talking about me. and hating me. and they never allow me to explain myself. and when they finally let me open my mouth, they critisize every word i spoke. i am never ever sure of how i feel about most things, im indecisive like that. so when i finally feel that it's okay for me to state something, i take it to heart when anyone disagrees. ...that may not make sense, it's hard for me to word it right. i dont know... but basically, i feel very inferior, to everyone lately. and i think that that's where alot of my problems in many other areas are comming from. i feel inferior, not good enough, and anxious.
sometimes i hate my psyche.. i think too much. i dwell on crappy thoughts too often. it's so much worse lately too, because i KNOW that most things in my life are going so well right now, but i still manage to convince myself that it's not all as good as it seems. this is so ridiculous. im so much better than last year.. so much better. ive improved in so many ways. so why can't i show it?

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