forty-nine.

i'm scared that you were happier before me. and i'm scared that it's because of me and not just some coincidence. i feel so sick to my stomach. all i can think about is going to work tomorrow, and how i feel like i'm in no shape at all. i want to come see you right now. i just want to feel like this is what you want, again.

i'm tired of doing this. of feeling so down on myself. not believing that there's any good. why can't i just accept something for what it is, and leave it at that? why can't i just take it? i always have to fight things and think that they aren't what they seem. it's tearing my apart, i can't keep feeling this way.

i need to stop letting you down. i need to stop letting everyone down. i can't get anything right. why can't i just.. make everything better?

help.

forty-eight.

as upset as i get about things, the worst part is knowing that you're usually feeling the same way.


thanks for not giving up.

forty-seven.

things are weird. all the time. i am going to get help, i think. because i think i need something. something bigger than someone to lean on. all i see is bad. i don't trust anyone, i've realized that i don't think anyone who talks to me has any good intentions. i can't find the things that make me feel okay. i want to get help. i've never wanted help like this before. i'm ready to not be so stubborn. i'm ready to understand that this is something to help me, not to change me, not to hurt me.. to help me.
i always get these feelings, i've had them ever since i can remember. and the only way i can describe it is "i don't feel like myself." they used to be few and far between, now i get them at least everyday. and it makes me feel so uneasy. it's just a bad feeling, and i don't feel okay, and i don't feel right. maybe getting help will make that go away.


jesus christ, i'm not scared to die. i'm a little bit scared of what comes after.

forty-six.

nothing's getting better. it never will. i can't do this anymore. i'm tired of the same thing all the time, i can't get better. i feel like every bit of good i had left, is slipping away. i'm losing.

dammit.

forty-five.

so perfect, i miss you roogiepie.

i just want to feel at peace with things, and i don't think i ever will. i'm not at home here. things are never good. they are such a family without me, i feel so out of place. i can't keep doing this. i can't stay here. i need to have a car and i need to move out. before the fall, i think it really needs to happen before the fall. i'm losing every ounce of faith and hope and optimism. i'm not going to have anything left. i can't do this. i can't stay here. i can't.

forty-four.

why won't anything change? i'm a liar. i've said time and time again, "things will change, they'll get better." well, they haven't. i'm sorry. i was convinced that by now, things would be falling into place. maybe it's not up to us anymore, maybe we need someone else's help. maybe just you need someone else's help or maybe just i do. either way, we need help. it's not okay to feel this way all of the time. i know it's a sad world, but i know there's good in it, too. i want to see the good. i am exhausted, my heart needs to be put in a better place. i can't spend all my time seeing the bad and the sad, anymore. it's too much. i am eighteen. why can't i feel that way? i try too much, i don't want to try anymore. i want to give up. i don't want to give up, i just feel like it's the only thing left. i want someone to reach out a hand, and help. actually help, not just want to. wanting to help is good, this isn't a diss at you if you have wanted to help me. it's hard to help when you don't know what's wrong. i don't blame you. this is me. this was me before you. and this will be me, until... i dono't know. hopefully not forever. i hope you're always there. i doubt things sometimes, lots of things, most times i don't say it outloud, because i know i am just being... me.
you're the only person who sees me for me. you like the things about me, that i hate the most. and you stay. you stay with me all of the time. no matter what i am doing. and i'm sorry for not always being good, i know it gets to be a lot. but i feel so, not in the right place all of the time. it's hard to act okay when you don't feel okay. thankyou. thankyou for not giving up on me. thankyou for staying by me. thankyou for making me feel okay. just, thankyou.
i like listening to music that makes me think of the winter of 2005. i think that that was the best time of my life. so much change was happening. but so much of it was the best change of my life.

fall 2008... if things aren't looking better by then, i will lose any hope i have left.

forty-three.

my only good thing. my only constant.

forty-two.

i can't stop crying. and it's literally for everyone. for anytime anyone has ever felt helpless, useless, or any word with the idea of "less" to it.

fuck.

forty-one.

it feels so good when people show they care. it feels even better when people haven't changed.

christmas.. it didn't even feel like christmas. this year was rough, financially for my family... well, in a lot of ways too, but i'm talking finance right now. every year is hard, money-wise, but this year was worse.. i thought. i didn't expect anything and i didn't ask for anything. taylor bought me a nice coat and he's going to buy reign over me, for me too. i saw him a lot more before he left, than i thought i would. so that was real nice. taylor's mom bought me earrings and a little purse. his dad and step-mom bought me a $50 gift card to h&m. my grandmom, despite so many things, gave me $200. jamie gave me nose-rings. christopher and natasha gave me a little teaset, some movies, a book, and candy. my mom and my dad gave me victorias secret perfume, socks, and $300. both times i opened up card to find $200 and then $300, i came close to crying, but held back because i didn't want to upset anyone else. i don't know why anyone gave me that much money.. and i know to some people, that isn't a big deal. but i am grateful for what i am given, especially considering who it is from. i woke up christmas morning, and immediately the fighting began. i lost my temper, and that set the pace for the day. my mom and dad fought about me, throught the morning. i wanted to die. i literally, was waiting to just die. i know, so dramatic. i went to see my grandpop and the hospital, and had there not been so many people there, i would have had to leave to go cry. i regret never getting close to any family.

i didn't really feel like making this long. but, i do complain all the time. and i thought it was needed... for me to explain that i do appreciate everything good that i have. i just feel like there is a lot that needs to change, most of which is up to me.

i'm convinced. things can be okay. things will be okay. i won't be like this forever, and i won't be here forever. my life is going to change and it is going to get better. and i am going to feel okay about where i am, what i am doing, who i am with, and how it's all happening.

thank you for reading, thank you for caring. really.

forty.

i don't want this to be my future. i'm scared to end up the same way my family has. we're okay. but that's it. we are only okay. we're just getting by, all of the time, in every aspect of the word. whether it be money, relationships, health.. we are always.. just. getting. by. i can't do this forever. i need it to change. i need to feel better about where i am going. this is all i have ever witnessed life to be, i need to see that it can be something more. i am convinced, at this point, that this is all i will amount to. i feel terrible saying this, like my mom isn't a wonderful person... she is. i just don't want to end up in her position..

i was never scared to love people. lately i've been getting there. i can't stand my dad, my mom loves him. i don't want to marry someone like him.. i don't think i will.. but people can change. i don't know, i'm just scared. i don't want my life to be like this. no one's happy. i need to leave. i need to see something better.

i need to know that people can last, that people can be happy, that people can make it.. i need to know that i can make it. i have no faith in myself. i have little faith left, at all.

i just need someone to care. i don't know..

thirty-nine.

i know i should be, but i just can't get it to happen. i can't be happy, at least not for long. i always feel so useless. i don't make things better, for anyone. i make everything harder. i feel like nothing's worth it anymore. i'm so exhausted. i can't figure out what to do with my life, and time is moving too fast. i'm so scared of where everything's going. i don't even know where to start. i just want to be better. i want to feel better. i just want better, for everyone. "i can't do this anymore" crosses my mind too many times a day. i just want to give up.

i don't get it, i don't know why i do this - why i get so fucking upset over nothing. it just seems that no matter how hard i try, things won't get better for anyone or myself.

i don't know what i want to do in life. i need to feel like i am useful, so far i don't.

ugh, i'm going go to bed.

thirty-eight.

i just read a few posts from a little over a year ago, and i feel discouraged. i kept talking about how i would be moved out by now, at a school doing something great, and living with people who made me happy all of the time... hopefully in philly. none of that has happened. i am at home, car-less, working 40 hours a week. i'm just sick of reading over things and never being happy. i wasn't happy then, but i was certain that i would be happy within the next year. and here i am, the same. i haven't made anyone's life any better. i don't feel wanted. it's been 2 years of me convincing myself and the people around me that "the better days are close. things are going to be better soon." ...well, they haven't yet. i'm not miserable, i'm not. i just can't seem to get myself to relax and realize that things are okay. i'm convinced that i am what's holding everyone back. and the fact that no one else is happy, is what is keeping me down.

i feel like everyone else is moving forward and i am stuck. i am always going to be stuck. i'm always going to be here, and i am always going to feel this way. i'm stopping while i'm ahead. i can't do this, not right now. i don't feel like panicking tonight.

thirty-seven.

i've moved on to a new kind of pain. it's not for me anymore, it's not self-pity, and it's not bitterness. it's the kind of pain you feel when you know that someone you care about is at one of their lowest points and isn't happy at all, losing hope. and you know that there isn't much you can do but stand by them, just like you have in the past.

this is one of the worst pains i've ever had. i can deal when i'm upset about my own problems. but i hate for anyone else to ever feel the way i have, or worse.

i can't stop crying right now. and i can't stop being so angry at any person who has ever hurt you. i just want you to be able to see what i see. because i don't see a monster, not at all.

i hate for anyone to hurt. i hate for strangers to feel sad. i hate to think about people i've never even met feeling a single bad feeling. i hate that there are people who exist who can't even realize the crap that they are putting someone through.

humans are the worst. i need to go to bed.

thirty-six.

ah fuck it. i have been in such a good mood all night. for no reason at all. just happy and cheerful, it ruled. and then out of nowhere i just started thinking, and thinking, and then getting bummed out. i don't even know what i start thinking about half of the time, but whatever it is, i get sad. i hate not knowing things. even more so when i don't know whether i'd rather know all about it, or just stick with knowing only minimum details like i currently do. sometimes i think i'd rather everything just be out there, so that i could know and always know, and when i get uneasy i would know whether i'm being unreasonable or not. even though i'm sure i'd mostly just be unreasonable. i'm such a fucking retarded, swear to god. i suck.

my new job is starting to take it's toll on me. i am exhausted when i get home. i need to tell wendy that i'm not going to work past this tuesday at the gym.

nothing seems consistent anymore. everything's always really up or really down.

my thoughts are going a mile a minute. damnit.

thirty-five.

i started a new job this week, i love it so much. i love working with kids, and 2 year olds rule! they're still super cute like babies, but they can talk to you too! and when you can't understand them, if you just say "OH YEAH!?" they keep going. it's awesome. i just need to get some full time hours so that i can make lotsa money and get a car.

things never change with my family. i feel like i'm truly alone in this house. my mom comes around every so often, it seems to be whenever my dad's not around, but she's still not there as frequent as i'd like. my sister and i have not been getting along at all lately, and as upset as it makes me, it doesn't bother me just as much. i don't understand her, and as much as i want to say it's us being petty. it's been this way my entire life, and i've always felt like she deliberately tries to hurt me. i feel like she is trying to put herself on a higher pedestal and to get there she has to take me down. my dad, ever since i could talk he has been against me. it hurts, he has never taken the time to talk to me or get to know me in any way. he's the only dad i have, there's not some other person i can go to and call dad. he's it, and it stinks.

i miss christopher so much. he's the only person who i feel like i can talk to and he gets it. and he actually cares, and he has something to say in response. whether it's about how happy he is for me, or a way to make myself happier. he's always been there.

i just feel like any other time that i try to talk, about anything, noone wants to hear it.

blah, i don't know.

i want to be moved/moving out by this time next year. just a nice little apartment. i don't want to live by myself, though. i don't think that that would be a very smart plan. so, if you want a roommate, let me knooow. LOL.

i just want to get past this point. i feel like i've been so stuck. with all of the same unhappiness, i want it to go away. and i want to feel better. and i think that once i have my car and i'm able to come and go. and also whenever i move out. with time i'll start to feel happy again.

i have a good job.
i need a car.
i need to save money.
i would like to move out.

thirty-three.

i don't feel good. i'm real frustrated, with a lot.

it's weird. i feel like i've done everything in my life, the wrong way. like i've just gone about things completely the opposite than i should have. i don't get it. i usually don't feel regret, and i still don't. but i feel like i should feel regret or something. it's so confusing. and it makes me just want to hide. i can never pinpoint what it is that makes me sad/upset. unless someone is yelling at me or something. and this is no different. i'm not sure what it is or why, i just feel unsure.

sometimes i just want a second shot, to try everything all over. but there are 2 reasons that, if given the opportunity, i am pretty sure i would pass. 1) i like some things about where i am, and they are too good to give up, just to try and make other things better. & 2) i don't feel like going through certain bullshit again. so, even if starting over were an option.. it wouldn't really be one.

i wish it were easier to talk to people about these things. i never want to bring people down by going on & on & on about my issues, or lack there of. and even more so, i don't want to frustrate or confuse them because i can't even explain myself. ..like, i don't even know what my deal is, how could i even try to talk to someone else about it. it really sucks to not be able to talk about shit.. no matter how badly you want to.

it's scary. i was at such a crappy point, before taylor came along. and he really helped to pull me out of it. and even though i sometimes feel like i'm in a real bad spot.. i know that things are at least okay, because he's still around and he cares. and i'm scared for what i would feel like if he weren't. it's nice to think of it like "ohhhh, you saved me, how lovely." but that's scary, like... i had to be saved? and i don't mean this bad. i love taylor, so much. and i am so happy to have him in my life as my boyfriend and as my best friend because he is the best. but it's just a weird thing, to think that someone sort of, saved you or whatever....

i don't know.. i still don't feel good.

thirty-two.

i got a job. it's at newyork&company. i went in for orientation today, i don't know when i actually start. i think it's going to be really weird/kinda hard to get used to. oh well. today, i got my license. yeahp, it took me until i was 18 to get that. whatever, i have it now. i just need to get a car.

i've been making sure to put myself on better terms with people. it's nicer, to not be worrying about stuff so much. i'm just sick of seeing people get walked all over. so i defend them, and i guess, ultimately bring myself into those situations.... yeah.


i always get bad feelings. and then i get real sad. it's weird and frustrating... i don't know.

thirty-one.

well, i graduated and that rules. definitely didn't see that happening. hopefully i will be able to change my habits next year, with college, and not procrastinate so much.
summer is upon us and i am very happy. i'm all done with my first real job in a week, after 3 years of the same thing. i'm glad i didn't quit in the middle of the year as i would have liked to many of times. the end came soon enough, just like i kept telling myself. and now i won't be leaving on bad terms, and (god forbid) if i ever change my mind, they will most likely take me back. i realized alot about working there, however, over the last month. for instance, i started being treated much differently after a certain incident a little less than 2years ago that didn't pertain to anyone of the people who began treating me differently. i don't like that they were such nosey people who would bring themselves into other people's business and then allow that to effect the way that they were treating others. i don't know, it's what you get for working with all girls. ...so yeah, having no job and then a new job will be weird.
i'm always so nervous about everything. i think too much, and it always gets the best of me. and i bring people down. noone wants to be around me anymore and that's a crappy feeling. but basically, i guess it's all on me.... i have a headache, and it's not going away.

i need to use this again.

thirty.

i sat at home all day today.

there was a specific reason i had my day filled with things to do. to keep myself busy. so that my mind couldn't wonder and i wouldn't get upset. well, i did nothing, yet another reason i hate snow.

i got inside my head, just like i knew i would. i was okay for the first few hours. until 5-ish.

i'm not happy. i try to be. and i try to be satisfied with things exactly how they are. but i'm not.

nobody wants me around.

i don't think people understand exactly how unwanted i feel. and it's always been that way.

i don't want to care anymore.

i'm really upset right now. i feel like i'm failing at everything. and it's a terrible feeling.

i'm no good.

twenty-nine.

i'm no good at speaking up for what i want.

i have no beliefs on politics, religion, society, etc. none. i don't know where i stand with anything. i don't know what kind of person i am. if i care, or if i don't. i change each day. and that is getting harder and harder to deal with. i don't know how to react to situations. i always want to put the people i care most about, before myself. but that begins to take it's toll after some time. i don't want to be selfish. but i want to find that happy median. ..that happy median is always so hard to find.

i don't know.. FTW.