one.

HEY! blogspot.
basically, xanga&myspace were getting old. xanga, as far as i know, will always be my numba1. and myspace is fun and all but let's get serious. i don't know. plus my brother has one. so i mean, HELLO, this shit r00lz. haha.

[so i re-did this one, now im starting this out how i want to.]

[YIKES! this is a longie!]

i miss lvpa. i just downloaded the "i heart huckabees" soundtrack and it reminded me of our "doll dance". the one i never got to perform (with the exception of the academic probation performance) due to me shitting it up in school, big time. anyway, i am horrible with missing things. when i left pennridge for a year, i didn't know how i would last. i missed everyone, so much. leaving lvpa was just as hard as starting, just two different forms of it. i was a nervous wreck on the first day, i cried. then before i knew it came the last day of school, and i knew i was barely, if ever, going to see these people again.. so of course, i cried.
i loved lvpa. well, my friends at lvpa. and i loved dancing. i grew so much as a person and a dancer. i sort of spent that year trying to be someone, that i guess in the end i wasn't. i dressed like a fool, but it was all in good fun. i guess i was going for an "emo" look. i was a sophmore, trying to figure out who i should be. regardless i had fun.
it's weird. when you are in a moment, it never seems half as good as when you look back on it. while at lvpa, i could only ever think about going to pennridge again. once i came back to pennridge, i realized that being gone for a year, left me with nothing. i had to start all over again. past relationships meant nothing to anyone anymore. i thought i would walk back in, and everything would pick up where i left it. well, that wasn't the case at all.
i don't regret going to lvpa. it has given me just as much as it has taken from me. i don't know it's hard to explain. ...i miss dancing.

(this next part is sort of, for my own well-being. read it, or don't. i feel better when i write things out)

last october, i nearly lost it. i was so mixed up with my life, i am not even sure why. but i would spend nearly every night crying and going into hysterics. nothing ever seemed right. i didn't get along with family. and i was always making my parents mad, so they wouldn't want to "priviledge" me and let me go out. it's not that i am a bad kid, but i easily get frusterated with things that happen. and that doesn't mean that i start beating people up or anything. i just in return to being frusterated i get upset. and it just so happens, that when i am in my house, i find it 10times easier to be unhappy. i just remember alot of crappy things from being little & living here, so i never want to be around.
soon after me "going crazy", for lack of better wording, everything seemed to start fitting together. i don't want to sound all lame and lovie dovie. but i met my boyfriend and we started dating. i swear, he is the reason that everything bad just sort of, drifted into the background of my life. i was finally happy, and nothing would get me down. i was never home, because i was always with him. everything just seemed to flow better. my family&i got along better. my mom could tell, i remember her saying how much happier i seemed and how it really showed. (boys were never really my forte. i could get boyfriends, i just sort of had this thing where it would never last. and from the begining i would always be hesitant about even dating them. it was weird. but for once, i didn't hold back for any second. i knew it was okay. it's easily one of the only things i was ever sure of... that this was what i wanted.)
here comes the end of december/begining of january. my best friend of 5years and i had a little misunderstanding. which slowly grew and grew until everything was blown out of proportion, on both parts. i had friends who stuck by me through those few months. as did she. it was an up&down kind of thing for awhile. we would talk about how we needed to talk things out, but then it would never happen.
finally comes april. a young girl we both taught gymnastics to, passed away. we attended her funeral. and spent the rest of the day together. everything finally felt okay again. things were back in place. my birthday rolled around.
summertime, this summer was so boring. but i liked it, nonetheless. i was always surrounded by people that i love. some fun days went down. and some veryveryvery boring days creeped by. but regardless of what was done, it really was who i spent it with that mattered.
now it's time for the school year to begin. i am a senior and as happy as you can be about that. i'm scared to death of making decisions for myself and being in complete control of my life. we will see.

my life isn't bad. i am just really good at dwelling on things when they go wrong. i hate being alone, for the most part. somedays it's good when you need to think. but other than that, i would rather be around people who make me happy. i am shy and not confident. i hate talking to people i don't know. but i love to meet people. i act differently (shy or loud) depending on who i am around and how comfortable i am with them. i like to make people happy & to help them get through tough times. i hate feeling like i have let people down or made their lives poopier in any way. i can be mean to people, but usually that calls for you to do something to deserve it. i am trying to stop that though, because sometimes i feel really crappy after being mean and then i don't like myself at all. this is probably the only time i will ever talk about my personality/likes&dislikes this much. because i usually am not good with comming up with information about myself... that's all.

haha, i need to organize my thoughts better.