eighty.

andy kyle bear me taylor - christmas eve 2006.

it's christmas eve, well i guess morning, and i have everything done that i've needed to have done. i cooked dinner and baked dessert for the friends that i spent christmas eve with. i baked my dad a white chocolate & coconut cake for his birthday, and made white chocolate cupcakes for everyone at my grandmom's who won't want to eat coconut, tomorrow. i sent cards and candycanes home with the kids at work on tuesday and last night taylor and i took gifts to the kids i babysit. the presents i bought are wrapped and under the tree and taylor's xbox 360 is succesfully hooked up in his bedroom. i think that christmas eve and into the morning is the best part of christmastime, it's when i am most excited and feel the best. i think about how everyone's going to react to their presents, even if it's not the coolest most expensive thing, i always try to really think about people when i buy them things.

i've decided that i really like cooking and baking.. not like so much that i would want it to be my profession or anything, but i enjoy making food for people to eat. and for whatever reason i really like tiddying up afterwards. that's probably so weird, oh well.
i haven't had a goodnights sleep in my own bed for at least a week. that might be why i'm still awake right now, despite closing my eyes every 6 seconds at taylor's house, barely an hour ago. maybe, it's because i've grown used to sleeping next to someone in a sea of blankets than alone in a lonely bed. i'm so tired, though.

i hope everyone has a very merry christmas.

seventy-nine.

vans came in the mail. i'm happy for the next day. pretty sure it's a universal feeling, but getting new things always puts me into a wonderful mood. everythings still good. moneys still tight. and i'm nervous about christmas shopping. i hardly know what i am getting anyone. im pretty irritated with work lately.. since the two 2 year old classrooms were combined i feel like they dont look to me as a head teacher anymore. i mean, its okay because i am still being paid as a teacher with half of the work. but at the same time i was so excited about being in that position and knowing that all of these people had faith in me, that having it taken away is such a hard blow. after christmas i'm saving my money so much and buying a car...... again. my head hurts.

three years - thank you for being so good to me. i love you.

seventy-seven.

things feel steady, for the most part. i can't remember the last time i used the word "steady" to explain how i was feeling, well it's nice. work is work and no matter how hard it is, i will deal. my back has been in a funk, i've been having spasms since last saturday. i don't have any health insurance right now, though, so i sort of have to take matters into my own hands. ah well. i need to sort everything out for school, i think tomorrow after work i will make sure that i call. i feel as though things have actually gotten better, as i've said they would for the past 3 years. and i'm happy about that, i don't feel like such a liar anymore. i turn 20 in six months, and that sounds so old to me, i still feel like i'm in ninth grade. or i guess eleventh. i dont know. weird.

seventy-six.

i need to get it together. i need to think things out before i react however i want to. i have to stop thinking about what's "fair" and start figuring out what's "right" and "best". maybe if i fix myself, finally, everything else will start to become a better version of what it already is. or maybe it won't.. but at least i'll be better. i feel like i have so many good days, and then just a couple awful to take me back a few steps. ugh, i sound like a recovering alcoholic. but really i'm just a jerk, sometimes. well, i'm trying.

seventy-five.

i have to stop thinking so much about things that will never change. others' pasts haunt me and it's awful. there's absolutely nothing that anyone can do about it; they can't change it, they can't fix it, they can't make it disappear. i wish i were better at brushing things aside and forgetting about them. but sometimes i can't seem to wrap my head around how something was done in the first place, and even if i could, i'm sure i would regret doing so when it's all done with! so, i guess, for now and for always i'll just have to pretend it doesn't bother me. i mean, it's one of those things that no matter how much you express the toll it takes on you, nothing can be done about it. there's really no point in even thinking of it. erase my brain, already, please.

as of late, life is good. keep it up.

seventy-four.

i'm so on top of my life. had a talk with my boss about taking over another classroom and teaching my kids from last year, we'll see what happens with that. but during the talk i had with her and the kindergarten teacher i was given a decent amount of compliments about how good of a job i did over the summer and how much they like me. that was cool, always nice to hear some good feedback when youre doing something you enjoy. yesterday i called the credit card company and set up a payment plan so that i'm no longer in debt. i'll be done paying off my fine by the end of october. buying a car this weekend, second car, i hope i take better care of it. calling bucks tomorrow to set up an appointment so i can pick my classes for the spring. and then filling out paperwork so that 90% of my schooling is paid for. so my life feels pretty on track lately. we'll see how long it lasts. it's october 1st and the weather is so nice. cool and breezy, pants and a sweater/sweatshirt/longsleeve.

seventy-three.

FEELIN KINDA LAZY, I DONT LIKE THIS PLACE.

i just ordered such a great surprise for $2 and i can't wait to get it in the mail. i need to get better with my money, i'm never going to get anywhere treating money the way i do. as soon as i have it i spend it, so dumb. all i ever talk about wanting to do is move out, but first i have to buy a new car and pay off my debt. ....so it looks like shopping and going out to eat all the time aren't very good ideas at this point in my life. one day i'll be rich, and i'll buy whatever i please. no, really, i will. my room is a dirthole, there's stuff everywhere. tomorrow after work im going to come home, do my laundry, and clean my room... at least i hope that's what i do. then the season premiere of THE OFFICE. phat. i can never decide what to do with my hair, as soon as i do something new i miss what i had before.. it never ends! i need to sort stuff out for school so i can start in the spring. i really feel like im never going to move out and it's killing me. my mommy comes home tonight and ive missed her. everything sucks, but everything's okay. COOL.

seventy-two.

i just had the nicest and most relaxed weekend. and i was so sick the entire time. taylor took me on a date which ended up starting my weekend earlier than i thought, we had a sleepover and both took off work on friday because we were sick. i think it was my most enjoyed and stress free weekend in a long time. i loved every second of it, except the coughing. i got to babysit, which i haven't done in awhile and i was so excited all week leading up to it. i had fun.
i'm still sick now, which stinks. i left work an hour early today because i felt sick to my stomach, and i really don't want to go in tomorrow because i'm not feeling much better, but i probably will, because i should. bo's been acting weird, he has a bald spot on his hip and he's been sort of clinging or something. i called the vet and i'm taking him later this week, i hope he's fine. ..my poor little baby. marv's here visiting, i feel bad i think he misses taylor. i guess that's weird to think that a tortoise could be homesick, i mean.. he is in his same tank and everything. he just doesn't seem himself right now either. i think i might just be crazy.

i have ugly skinny eyebrows now. so sad.

seventy-one.

i wish there were reasons for why i get the way i get.

seventy.

i miss dancing so much, i feel empty without it. i wish i never quit, even from when i was 7, i wish i just kept with it, instead of taking breaks from it every couple years. i wish that there was more to do with dancing, i love performing, and i don't feel like i could ever be a dance teacher. so if i had gone to school for it like i planned, that would leave me with joining a company for a few years. who knows, maybe that could have lead to something and maybe i would have decided to teach. i just feel like it's too late at this point, if i had stayed with it, then maybe things would be a little different. i should start taking classes though. i just miss it. i dont miss gymnastics so much. well, i miss gymnastics like i miss cheerleading, it was fun. i exercised and stayed in shape doing things that i had a blast doing, i do miss that.

i guess i just miss performing.

sixty-nine.

our one air conditioner broke, and you wouldn't believe the difference it makes. i'm sitting in my underwear and i still cant escape the heat. all i have to cool me off, at all, is some jones soda. what happened to the cold nights?
i feel sort of stuck again. i mean, i moved up in my job and i'm getting a new car soon. but everything else feels the same. and not really in a good way. i guess it's good that nothing else has gotten worse, but i wish something would get better, so that i could be reassured. i don't feel good.

i miss having a best friend. it gets lonely.

sixty-eight.

"yellow hair, you are such a funny bear. slender fingers would hold me, slender limbs would hold me. and you could say my name like you knew my name. i could stay here, become someone different. i could stay here, become someone better."
i've been listening to cat power so much lately.

well, my car's done for. it will cost $1800 to fix it.. which is $600 more than what i bought it for. no thanks. so i'm buying a new one, probably this coming weekend. i drove by my car sitting at the shop yesterday and i got real sad. it looked so lonely. i liked that car for what it was. i'll miss it alot.

i feel like i've been stand-offish lately. i'm not sure how to explain it anymore than just that. i don't want to be so dependent, i sort of just want to be alone. but i can't allow myself to do that, because i know that if i isolate myself.. it just won't be a good idea. i never do good when i am alone, but i so easily begin to lean on people for support, and i don't like that. i don't like the idea that if people start to walk away i will fall. i want to know that i will be able to stand alone and have that be enough.. if it were to come to that. i don't want to be alone, but i want to know that i could be and i would still be okay. my stomach hurts, it's hurt all week. i've just felt so lousy.

i love the weather in the beginning of the fall. but my mind always gets so crazy and sad. i'm not sure why, but, it happens every year. maybe this year it won't be so bad.

sixty-seven.

this year is going to be so nice, with work at least. i hope. it seems like everyone at the daycare is real supportive of me teaching, if anyone is bitter it's the catty girls that i don't care for anyway. i'm proud of myself, i feel like my hard work and dedication to my job is really paying off. i thought i was going nowhere with this job, for so long. i'm scared and happy for september 2nd, that's when i get my new kids and everything is official. but knowing that so many people are willing and able to help me as i need it, is so reassuring, and i hadn't felt that so much at this job until now.
aside from my car, and never having money, a lot of stuff feels better right now. i think my relationships with people are better. and i think that, in large part, has to do with me paying more attention to my attitude and outlook. after i realized how badly my moods were taking a toll on the people around me, i basically had a sit-down with myself to really figure this out. if i find that i really do need help, i will get it. but i want to actually try it on my own, first. and right now i feel as if i'm doing a good job. i've had a bad few days, but i try my hardest to not let that carry on any farther past those days than it needs to. i still let my mind get the best of me, i don't think i'll ever get that right. but i try not to show it so much. i've always worn my emotions on the outside, and didn't care who saw. i shouldn't do that so much anymore, because my emotions are never so pretty. i want people to think i'm pretty, inside at least. i used to be nice and i was friends with everyone. i don't mind not being SO friendly now, people take advantage too much. so a little hate never hurt anyone. actually, i changed my mind, i'll hate all i want. but i need to stay good to my friends. which i think i've always done. but i guess i'll be good to me now too, for their sake.

i want to move out it won't happen until, probably the spring. i still have to pay off capital one, and that is turning out to be a bigger pain in the tush than i thought it would be. but, i should probably start looking for people to live with me now, so i'm ready when the time comes.

sixty-six.

"I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE. HALF OF IT IS INNOCENT, THE OTHER HALF IS WISE."

like clockwork, as soon as everything is looking up, it comes crashing right back down. my car is broken. i owned it, it was mine. my first real thing, my freedom, my step forward into getting what i want out of life. and now it's done for. i'm so sad, i'm frusterated, i'm anxious, i'm nervous, and i'm let down... OVERWHELMED. whatever.

sixty-five.

just call me teach.

i'm teaching now. that rules. not much more money, but still cool. i'm 19 and i am going to be a teacher. granted it's for 2 year olds, it's not like i'm teaching 2nd grade. but for now it'll do.

i can't wait to get out of debt and save up and move out. woot.

everything feels so alright, right now. nice.

sixty-four.

i cant believe bo is 3.

sixty-three.

I MISS WHAT WE HAD. I NEED YOU SO BADLY.

you should have seen me smiling, like the world was mine. she used to call me baby, softly sometimes. but if i dwell on those days too long i feel like my life is over, and thats no good.
so lets move on to the part where i start to sense her distance. i panic and hold on tighter that makes it worse. how am i supposed to take it when she says, "this is something im going through, its got nothing to do with you."

sixty-two.

STEADY AND FAITHFUL AS MY ANCHOR.

i've been thinking a lot again. i never think it's good when i think a lot, because the outcome is always the same - i feel crappier about myself. but this time, that was okay. right now, i have the right outlook, and i think i'll hold onto it. usually as soon as the feeling of peace comes it goes. and i'm left feeling empty, frustrated, and confused. i'm sorting out my money issues, and as hard as it is to be getting rid of money the second i have it, to pay off debts, it's okay because i know sooner than later i'll be able to have everything paid off. and i think i'm beginning to see things more realistically. i don't like it so much, only because i've always liked to day dream, but when the dreamings done and i see reality, it's always a big drop to the bottom. so i guess it's fine that i'm seeing things for what they really are now.

sixty-one.

nevermind.

nothing in my life is ever going to change. i'm going to stay miserable. and i'll always be alone.

sixty.

i'm quitting my job. my last day will probably be somewhere between august 1st and august 8th. i know you will never love, or even tolerate, every single person you work with, but i like to think that it's possible to not despise the majority of them. i work with two women, grown women; one with the worst work ethic i've ever witnessed and the other, i can't even come up with words for the other one. everything i watch the two of these women do boggles my mind, i can't begin to comprehend what makes them think anything that they do is normal or okay. if i go into full detail this will be a 2 hour rant, i know for a fact, it has happened before. ugh, i can't wait to leave.
well, now i need to find a new job. i like to think it won't be too hard, i'll have some time off, and knowing that soon there will be no more paychecks, i think i'll be more motivated. and i've never been paid real well, so i doubt it's impossible to find better pay. ah well.

hellman.

fifty-nine.

i'm starting to feel okay with me screwing up so badly. my whole life, i've tried my hardest to be "the good" kid in my family. and i always gave myself that label. it was my defense, anytime i was reprimanded, for anything, i was always so quick to remind my parents about all the things i have done right, and how i had the fewest screw ups. ..i can't really play that card anymore. and in the real world, who's going to care about how good of a kid i was? when i go look for apartments, houses, anywhere to give.. they're going to give 2 shits that my parents were able to trust me all through high school. all they're going to want to know is what kind of credit i have and that i have a steady income. well, my credit is terrible. and i work fulltime, yet i'm always broke. any bigger steps i take in life, it will be nice for ME to know that i was a fairly well-behaved kid. but for anyone else, all that will matter is who i am, now.

it's time to buckle down. i've been saying it for the past 2 + years. but it's time, now. i've finally comprehended how much i am messing myself up for the future. this is the stuff that matters. it sucks, but it's time to be an adult. i need to budget my money, i need to keep my head straight and think before i act. i can't go on luck, i never could. i don't know why, for the past couple months, i thought luck was finally on my side.

nothing's going to go my way, unless i make it. i've never had the type of life where opportunities just fell into my lap. if i ever wanted anything, i had to prepare myself to work for it. for whatever reason i thought life got easier, i don't know where my mind was, but it wasn't where it should have been.

onto, i guess, another topic..
i've been thinking a lot about my future, like far into my future. and i'm nervous. i'm so unhappy, always. and i believe in depression and ADD and ADHD and anxiety and all the things that people sometimes doubt and think are just "excuses" for someone to be a certain way. the part that scares me, is that they're chemical imbalances.. and i haven't looked into it, but i'm pretty sure hereditary. i don't want to pass this on to someone else. i don't ever want to parent a child who is this unhappy and unsure about everything in their life. i don't know if that's a weird thing to think about. but, i guess, working with kids makes me think this way. i think about how i'll raise my children and how i think they'll act. they're all so innocent and stuck in their way. i don't ever want to watch my own child go from feeling so okay about the world, to feeling so stuck and miserable, all of the time, no matter how good the people around them treat them.
i don't want to get old, i look at anyone who is old, and i get depressed and scared. i never want to be middle-aged. people seem so stressed out and unhappy. their kids are grown/growing up. they, themselves, are getting old. i guess when you get there, it's worth it. but right now it seems like such a scary place, especially for someone who's so unhappy at 19. i never want to be so old that i'm waiting to die. i never want to lose someone i've spent the majority of my life with day after day. i guess it's better, if you've had kids, and they've had kids, and you're surrounded by them. but that still must be so hard. whatta baby, right?

well, anyway.. i guess i'm really determined to be better now.

fifty-eight.

everyday i drive to work. i drive home for my break. i drive back to work. i drive home again. everytime i drive either to or from work, i pass a farm and a pond. i see little baby geese and ducks, they're so cute. and i see baby sheep, they're so cute too. one is a cow-sheep, that's what i call it. it has cow markings, but it's a sheep. anyway, that's usually.. mostly.. the only good part of my day.

i hate that one day can be so good, and the next week feel so so bad. what's even bad about my life? i don't know, not much. but i'm so miserable. i don't know what to change, other than myself. i feel like i've tried to change myself so many times, and everytime i succeed i still manage to fail, in that i haven't changed into anything better.

somedays i want to leave. go somewhere new. leave everything behind. i couldn't ever do that. i'm too dependent. i think i'm actually finally losing that. i'm letting go of holding onto people, if that makes sense. i think i finally feel a little bit okay doing some things alone.

i can't even find words, half the time, to explain how i feel. i just know i don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life - lost.

fifty-seven.

wednesday morning: my mom told me that my grandpop was put on hospice. i knew he wasn't doing very good, so it wasn't much of a shock.. just sucked a lot.

wednesday night: my mom told me that one of the hospice nurses told me aunt that he only had a few weeks left in him. it broke my heart. it took me way too long to get close to my grandparents.. i only started the past few years, actually. and he's been sick for about the past 10. so i wrote my last entry and i couldn't stop crying.

thursday afternoon: i came home for my break. my dad came by and was in a rush. i quickly asked him how late the nursing home is open so i could go visit my grandpop, to which he replied "i wouldn't worry about it.. i don't think he's making it past today." i broke down. i went back to work late, with the help of people moving around their rooms, they let me leave early. i went and saw him, when the rest of my family didn't think i should, since he wasn't looking good. they way i saw it, if i went, and couldn't take it.. i could always leave. but if i didn't go, and never saw talked to him again, i would never be able to change that. he wasn't responsive at all. i hated seeing everyone so sad. i sat with him for awhile and talked to my aunts and uncles and my grandmom. my poor grandmom.

friday early evening: i called my dad while i was at work to see how my grandpop was doing, he said he seemed better. he was responsive, talking a little bit, awake sometimes. i left work 20minutes early so i could talk to him. when i got there, he woke up. he smiled at me and tried to say hi, he looked better. he smiled at me and i was so happy. my cousin left and my mom showed up, he didn't wake up. we were talking about something, and he raised his eyebrows all funny, because he liked what we were talking about. i laughed. i sat with him for awhile, and held his hand. i told him i loved him, kissed his forehead, and said goodbye.

saturday morning: i woke up to my mom asking me to clean the house with my sister, she was running around getting ready to leave. i asked her where she was going, she said my dad wanted his cell phone. then i asked how my grandpop was doing after i left, she said that he was okay, but that's how people are when they're passing - somedays good, somedays bad. i told her it didn't matter, as long as he had a good night. then i told her that i was going to jersey for a show and sleeping at danielle's house. she got real mad at me. we started fighting. i told her that i saw him the last 2 days and would go again before i left for jersey. she said "they're probably taking him to the funeral home, he wouldn't be there later." i asked what the hell she was talking about and she said "i woke you up this morning. i told you. grandpop passed at 7 o'clock this morning." every piece of my insides dropped into my stomach.

i spent the day at my grandmom's. and ended up going to the show after. she wanted everyone to leave so she could have some time alone, and i didn't think i would do well with sitting at home all night just thinking. i'm glad i went, it helped alot to have people around me. tay and i slept at joe's last night. i think i sort of needed that too. just someone to sit there/lay there with me. plus i was tired. tonight will be hard. it's already 2am, i don't feel too tired. i'm scared to lay down and think.

i'm glad you smiled at me on friday. i'm so glad i saw you. i hate that you're not here. i miss you. and i love you. you were so great to me, and i'm still sorry that it took me so long to get to know you. wednesday is going to be so hard...

fifty-six.

goodbye.

it took us way too long to get to know eachother. i'm sorry that i'll probably never know you as well as i could have. i want to spend the next few weeks living by your bedside, spending every second with you. truth is, i'm scared. you were never mean to me. i don't know why i always thought the two of you hated me, i just never knew what happened before, so things seemed different. you were the best. you still are. i remember before everything happened with you, when you were still a big guy.. you were so big. it was all at the old house. you used to tell me that you had a sweet tooth and it was special and you could take it out of your mouth.. then you'd pull it out. i tried to do that for years, haha, i only recently remembered and figured out what it really was. and you used to have those casino games in your house, but i'm pretty sure i always had to put the money back.. maybe not. either way, it was so fun. and the big swings on the porch, that was such a fun house. i was so little. i don't know why i never tried to have a better relationship with you. i regret that so much, i want to be close to you. i'm so sorry. thanks for always have sorbet for me, since noone could ever get me to eat anything else when i came over. i miss you already. i just want to give you a big hug that never stops. this isn't fair. and i don't know how to handle only having you around for a few more weeks.. and knowing that. i love you so much. i really do. i don't know what she's going to do without you. you're so in love with eachother. over the past few months everytime i had to watch you say goodbye and not know when you would see eachother again, it broke my heart. you're the best people i know. and i can't stand the thought of losing one of you. i love you. hold on just a little longer, if you can, i need more time with you.

fifty-five.

whatever.

my birthday is in just about 2weeks. nineteen. nothing new.

i want a new job. and i need to write out a budget so that i can know how much money i need to make sure i have each month to pay things off. i still have no health insurance. why is it so expensive? i just want to be given a couple pills when i get sick so it doesn't last for 3 weeks like this past, whatever i had, did. ...and then i want to move out. PLZ.

owning a car is so great. last night my dad said "i'll tell you what, leave now and you won't have to pay off the car." ..if i had somewhere else to live i would have taken him up on that offer. dang.

taylor's still a nice boyfriend. :)

fifty-four.

toilet paper. so you're peeing and/or pooping on the toilet, you finish, time to wipe! you're down to the last little bit of toilet paper, but it's just the right amount for you to be clean enough to go. so you use it, and you leave an empty roll.. i can understand this, you just suck and you're really lazy. NBD, right? right. OKAY. so this time you finish and it's time to wipe. BUT, you don't have enough toilet paper to get the job done. sooo, you use what's left and you get out a new roll. HOWEVER, you fail to throw out the empty one and put the full one on the holder and you just leave it sitting on the counter. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES IT TAKE TO DO THIS? i hate it. it kills me everytime.

anyway, i have a car. that's cool. i got accepted to bucks. i need to take my placement tests and stuff. noone seems to be that proud of me for taking the initiative to apply. i mean, i guess to most people it's no big feat. OOOH COMMUNITY COLLEGE, YOU'RE REAL COOL. well, i am real cool. that was a big step for me. i am awful and going ahead and doing these sort of things on my own. i get anxious and i want to barf. but i did it. i committed to going back to school, back to having homework... full time, and at night, so that i can work full time to save money and pay my way through school. i am going to be pretty busy, i suppose. but i'm finally determined to do what i have to to make my life better. and right now, this seems to be it.

i think i'm quitting my job soon. after i find a new one, of course. i don't like it. there's no organization, i don't make good money.. those are just two on the laundry list of things making me want to leave. i think i want to teach elementary school one day, though. right now, i think i just might want a desk job. like a secretary or something. it could be cool.

i joined the gym, i just can't take classes yet.. 'cause i didn't pay. ha. i'm really excited though. i like working out, i'm just bad at doing it on my own at home. they have a dance studio there too, so that would be nice if i could get back into dance. all i'd do is ballet and maybe pointe. i'd totally be into modern and lyrical if they had that, but they don't. it will feel so good to be doing something, again.

i think sprinkles lost weight, that sucks. she still snores though. fattie.

WTF. this has been pretty optimistic.
well, have a good day. 'cause i sort of am.
it's so nice outside. :)

fifty-three.

"just tryin to get somewhere. just end up getting by."

i'm losing my mind right now.

fifty-two.

i've felt pretty okay the past couple days. i still want to get help, i think, 'cause it's not like this isn't a continuous pattern. but a lot has been sorted out, and as difficult as it seemed at first, it's okay. i'm okay. things are feeling better and not so hopeless. i like not feeling hopeless...

fifty-one.

i think about calling it quits every day of my life.

fifty.

i want to go away. i need life to stop for awhile.
a break from it, for things to get better.

forty-nine.

i'm scared that you were happier before me. and i'm scared that it's because of me and not just some coincidence. i feel so sick to my stomach. all i can think about is going to work tomorrow, and how i feel like i'm in no shape at all. i want to come see you right now. i just want to feel like this is what you want, again.

i'm tired of doing this. of feeling so down on myself. not believing that there's any good. why can't i just accept something for what it is, and leave it at that? why can't i just take it? i always have to fight things and think that they aren't what they seem. it's tearing my apart, i can't keep feeling this way.

i need to stop letting you down. i need to stop letting everyone down. i can't get anything right. why can't i just.. make everything better?

help.

forty-eight.

as upset as i get about things, the worst part is knowing that you're usually feeling the same way.


thanks for not giving up.

forty-seven.

things are weird. all the time. i am going to get help, i think. because i think i need something. something bigger than someone to lean on. all i see is bad. i don't trust anyone, i've realized that i don't think anyone who talks to me has any good intentions. i can't find the things that make me feel okay. i want to get help. i've never wanted help like this before. i'm ready to not be so stubborn. i'm ready to understand that this is something to help me, not to change me, not to hurt me.. to help me.
i always get these feelings, i've had them ever since i can remember. and the only way i can describe it is "i don't feel like myself." they used to be few and far between, now i get them at least everyday. and it makes me feel so uneasy. it's just a bad feeling, and i don't feel okay, and i don't feel right. maybe getting help will make that go away.


jesus christ, i'm not scared to die. i'm a little bit scared of what comes after.

forty-six.

nothing's getting better. it never will. i can't do this anymore. i'm tired of the same thing all the time, i can't get better. i feel like every bit of good i had left, is slipping away. i'm losing.

dammit.

forty-five.

so perfect, i miss you roogiepie.

i just want to feel at peace with things, and i don't think i ever will. i'm not at home here. things are never good. they are such a family without me, i feel so out of place. i can't keep doing this. i can't stay here. i need to have a car and i need to move out. before the fall, i think it really needs to happen before the fall. i'm losing every ounce of faith and hope and optimism. i'm not going to have anything left. i can't do this. i can't stay here. i can't.

forty-four.

why won't anything change? i'm a liar. i've said time and time again, "things will change, they'll get better." well, they haven't. i'm sorry. i was convinced that by now, things would be falling into place. maybe it's not up to us anymore, maybe we need someone else's help. maybe just you need someone else's help or maybe just i do. either way, we need help. it's not okay to feel this way all of the time. i know it's a sad world, but i know there's good in it, too. i want to see the good. i am exhausted, my heart needs to be put in a better place. i can't spend all my time seeing the bad and the sad, anymore. it's too much. i am eighteen. why can't i feel that way? i try too much, i don't want to try anymore. i want to give up. i don't want to give up, i just feel like it's the only thing left. i want someone to reach out a hand, and help. actually help, not just want to. wanting to help is good, this isn't a diss at you if you have wanted to help me. it's hard to help when you don't know what's wrong. i don't blame you. this is me. this was me before you. and this will be me, until... i dono't know. hopefully not forever. i hope you're always there. i doubt things sometimes, lots of things, most times i don't say it outloud, because i know i am just being... me.
you're the only person who sees me for me. you like the things about me, that i hate the most. and you stay. you stay with me all of the time. no matter what i am doing. and i'm sorry for not always being good, i know it gets to be a lot. but i feel so, not in the right place all of the time. it's hard to act okay when you don't feel okay. thankyou. thankyou for not giving up on me. thankyou for staying by me. thankyou for making me feel okay. just, thankyou.
i like listening to music that makes me think of the winter of 2005. i think that that was the best time of my life. so much change was happening. but so much of it was the best change of my life.

fall 2008... if things aren't looking better by then, i will lose any hope i have left.

forty-three.

my only good thing. my only constant.

forty-two.

i can't stop crying. and it's literally for everyone. for anytime anyone has ever felt helpless, useless, or any word with the idea of "less" to it.

fuck.