twenty-eight.

my senior year is winding down. and i'm not ready. i haven't even handed in my grad. project yet. i feel more behind than everyone else. i feel like most people at least have an idea about what they want to do with their lives. and i don't, at all. and i know that it's okay, that most people don't know what they want to do for the rest of their lives at the age of 18. and even if they do, they usually change their minds. but even a little bit of an idea would be okay for me to have. right now, i just know that i like hanging out with kids. cool.

i'm going to be 18 in a little over a month. WTF?! i don't think anyone looks at me, or sees the way i behave and thinks "mature." i know i that just because society will now view me as an adult, that doesn't mean that i, all of a sudden, have to drop my childhood and immediatly take on loads of responsability. i would just like to feel as if i am on the right track.

i don't think i ever took anything serious enough. i mean, i have stressed over school on many accounts, i always knew it would matter later on. but i never fully committed myself, it has always been a "next year it will be better" kind of thing. i am still doing that. i keep insisting that i am more of a "college person" than a "high school kid." this could be a correct assumption, but just as easily i could be wrong.

i am just scared that i am going to make the wrong choices and end up in a bad spot and not able to fix it.

there are things i want to do next year, with my life, not just school, but i'm not sure where other people who would be involved stand. and so i am still nervous to say anything. i don't know. it's weird.

sometimes, i get into my head a lot. and i mess with my mind. it's annoying, i get extremely worked up over things that don't matter. i start to get anxious about everything, it's weird as shit and i hate it.

i'm starting to isolate myself a lot, again. at least from the people i see on an everyday basis.

i miss my brother.

and my half-brother, who keeps saying he will come visit. but he probably never will. and the only way that i will ever see him again is if i take a trip down to georgia and call him and tell him that i am there. even then he'd probably be too busy to catch up.

thankyou for dealing with me, through everything. i know i'm not perfect or anywhere near. but you treat me like i am. and you make my life easier than i could have ever imagined it being. you da bomb.

twenty-seven.

i'll write this in here, because i only want the people who will care / understand to read it. i know more people than will read this, care about me. but it comes down to who is actually going to understand where i am comming from and will help me out a bit.
what it comes down to, is that my family doesn't like me.. honestly. i am not a bad person.. i don't do drugs, i don't drink, i don't throw parties, my parents almost always know where i really am, i have a job, i'm not completely failing school, i do extra curricular activities.. i do my part. granted, i am a bum sometimes. i complain when i am asked to help out. but really, who doesn't ever complain? this other kids in my family have.. had warrants out for their arrest and haven't come home to visit for 5+ years, thrown house parties while my family was away, snuck out to meet their boyfriends, done multiple amounts of drugs, stolen my parents beer, and shit of the same content. this isn't a low-blow to anyone in my family, people have their downsides, and i know that i am not a perfect. i can be a bitch and i can be lazy. however, that is not an every day occasion.
when i am with my family i tend to feel like the outcast. nobody ever seems to want me around, find me interesting, or find me funny. we recently went out to dinner and a discussion of my sister's myspace came up, yeah, we talked about myspace. she was saying she needs help designing hers, so trying to be funny i say, "yeah, because nobody likes your myspace." the table turns to me with a look of disgust and of course my dad mumbles, but fairly clear & loud, "figures, she has to be the little bitch she is, and come up with that." and as that is being said my brother goes, "to be fair, your myspace does suck." ...everyone bursts out into laughter. so WHY is what i said so horrible, but if my brother says it, it's a huge joke?! it's been like this, as long as i can remember. but, i used to be spoiled and i was too young to recognize the difference. well now, it's literally become a daily thing of arguing about stupid shit with my mom. OF ALL PEOPLE, MY MOM!
with my dad, i understand completely why he doesn't care much for me. out of all of his kids, i am sort of the one who just stands up to him. when my dad gets in my face with threats to hit me and so on and so forth, i sort of give it right back to him, and he knows that if he was to ever touch me, i would make his life hell, because i have made that more than clear PLENTY of times. i don't baby it up and take his shit. and NO, i am not trying to sound tough, because i do cry about it. whether it is while i am screaming at him, or afterwards when i am in my room and emotions are running high. it's stupid, and i am sick of it. i am tired of being disliked because i don't enjoy being treated like shit. it's come to the point where i am just plain and simple the bitch of my family, that they can't wait to get rid of. i keep reasurring everyone that i am only around for a few more months, but i just get attitude and immaturity in response.

whatev. i am going to go to Bucks. i wanted to do MontCo, but turns out the tuition will double and that's bullshit.

thanks for reading.

twenty-six.

i am filled with hate.

twenty-five.

i don't know what to do about next year anymore. the last thing that i want is to live in philly by myself or with a complete stranger. i know tons of people dorm & it's usually with someone you have never met. but something about that just scares me. i'd be paired with the creepiest chick alive, and that does nothing for me but take away any excitement i had. UARTS had nice dorms & i know a girl going there, so that would probably be less bad. too bad, i am already pushing myself away from going there. i am not going to dance in my life after college, so why go to school for it, ya know? well, i'm not going to go to any college if i don't get my shit together right now. ugh.

i'm going to stop setting myself up for a let down. it's annoying, i constantly get excited for things that don't end up happening. there's not any one specific thing, just in general, i get stoked about things & then all plans just fall through.

i hate school more and more each day.

twenty-four.

seriously, what's my problem?


edit;
i sometimes get to be too much of a mess. and all my thoughts get jumbled and i find myself not thinking straight. but then i get straightened out. i do hate, or strongly dislike, whatever it is i have become & i have some work to do. my mind set has changed, nothing crazy... or nothing that affects many people. but something that affects me enough, to fix it. if that makes sense. whatever, i am rambling.

i love you.. that's not changing.

twenty-three.

i'm losing.

i feel like the number of people who actually give a shit is lessening by the day. feeling this way sucks. i don't feel like explaining.. it is, what it is.

i still have a lot of things that rule though [my boyfriend. my family. the friends that do stick around. my job's cool. and i'm doing alright with school.], so okay.

anyway, my grandpop left the hospital on thursday, and my grandmom went in friday morning. she's not doing well at all. and if she doesn't make it, the expectations aren't too high for my grandpop. i hate seeing it that way, but that's what i've been told. i love them, i don't want them to go. i feel like i've just started to get closer to them again. my mom's mom just went into the hospital too, i'm not sure how serious or unserious it is yet though. so hopefully she is fine too. i rarely see my mom's family, i've always liked 'em though. ...so wish them well.

♥

twenty-two.

it's easier for me when shitty people take themselves out of my life. and i think i am pretty good at realizing who is good, who is bad, when to speak up and when to swallow my pride. and because of that, i don't worry too much about the decisions i make. i have decided that if someone wants to end all ties with me, to let them. there is not point in begging someone to stick around if that is not what they want. so i'll accept it, learn from it, and live with it. i'll be happy about the good times spent, and not have to worry about the bullshit said anymore. i am okay with it. things end, better they end on agreement. so i'll agree with it.

i need to manage money better + save it. a lot a lot a lot.

my grandpop is in the hospital. he's there a lot. my eyes started to water today when i saw him, i didn't cry though no one else seemed too upset. it just scares me. i feel this bond with my grandpop, even though we were never real close, i don't think. when i was really little we may have been, i don't remember much. he had these false teeth or maybe just one and i didn't know, and he would tell all of us kids that he had a sweettooth that he could take out and he would take one tooth out. i always tried to do it too. he was a pretty big guy, if i remember correctly. i guess i didn't realize how much he has aged. i like to think that everyone else stays the same even though i grow up. anyway, everytime i see him, i feel like he actually cares to see me and is happy. whereas the rest of my family (aunts and uncles) don't seem to phased by it all. it's weird. but i love my grandpop, and i want him to be happy and healthy.

loveyoubabe.♥.. fa real.

have a good one.

twenty-one.

i need to not be so selfish all the time. i find myself saying things, to the people i care about, that hurt them. it's always unintentional, but always for the sake of throwing a fit over something and making it out to be bigger than it is. afterwards, everytime, i feel horrible and i want to take it back. i just need to think things out more, before i follow through.

this christmas will be interesting. i'm trying to get everyone real nice presents, but unfortunately i am not working nearly as much as last year, so it's hard. not to mention, we [my family] are apparently having financial issues, which is nothing new. however, i thought that this year we were doing better. i was wrong. it's okay, i am not going to whine about how i am not going to get everything that i wanted because, well, i didn't want too much to begin with. and i know that my parents feel horrible about it. i don't understand why this happens. my parents do all that they can to allow us to live comfortably, and to give their kids and eachother what we/they want. it's unfair to see good people put into difficult situations. i mean, it's not horrible, we aren't out on the street and we aren't scraping dumpsters for food, nor are we even close to that situation. more so, everything is being cut down and i have to watch my mom try to keep her pride, while admitting that she can't do all of this alone and she needs her kids help. i hope, either way, it's a nice christmas.

i need to get my reccomendation letter written for UARTS, already. i think part of the reason i am holding back, aside from me not liking to call people, i am scared to have everything sent to UARTS and have them reject me. knowing that i get to go to that school, will enable me to see that all of our plans for next year are possible. UGH! i just want to see it all work out.

the best thing in my life, i love you.
have a nice day/night. ♥.

twenty.

learn your limits. check yourself when you're being out-of-line. understand when it's just not your place. grow up and start acting like an adult... the one's that this is applyng to, most likely won't read this. therefore i can write it and get it out of my system and be 75% sure that it won't backfire. and if it does, i brought it on myself. i don't like when people come into other people's business and make comments that are untrue and unnecessary. that happened two times last night, almost simultaneously. the second time resulting in someone being out of line and making me completely uncomfortable and honestly, scared. while the other person just sat by laughing. fuck, i hated it. and i am so close to just no forgiving the one and making it hard for the other to gain my respect again. i don't understand where any of it came from. but it started, flat out, because they don't know their limits. if you're going to drink, drink to where you are still fun and not an obnoxious fucking bitch or a complete asshole to people who don't deserve it. i want to be over this, and just say that shit happens. but this shit shouldn't. ecspecially with the one person being someone who i considered a real good and close friend. needless to say it was a rough night.

i don't know what's going on with some things. but i am just going to let people what they need to do, and sort of accept it. if someone wants to just walk away, whether it hurts me or not, i am going to let them. no sense in begging someone to stick around if that's not what they're going to want. in the end, people where end up where they have let themselves go. i don't want to hold anyone back from where they end up. i am just going to accept what's thrown at me, and hope that the things that are making me happiest don't go away. because, well that would stink, alot.

i am going to maintain my positive attitude, through whatever is thrown at me. and i am going to be happy with whoever has chose to stick by myside. and where ever i end up a year from now, i guess, is where i should be and hopefully it keeps me happy. i am going to work, so hard, to be where i want next year. i know for a fact, that i would be happy to see it all happen.

i'll be alright.

♥mybestfriend.

nineteen.

and so it goes...
I am going to graduate. I am going to start putting fourth 100% into everything that I do. I am going to begin to actually show that I care as much as I really do. I am going to be honest, and tell people what's really wrong and when it's wrong.. if they ask me. I'm going to be better, with my life. I am going to treat it how I want it to work out. If I want my life to rule, I have to accept it when it does rule. Ya feel me?

So it stinks when I get like this, but this isn't me being all "mushy gushy // lovey dovey" .. okay? But, my boyfriend rules. He has really helped me to realize alot. So many things, that I could have learned so easily if someone would have just taken the time to show me. He's let me see that things aren't as bad as I make them out to be. And when I get stressed out, it's usually over something that I can easily overcome. Having him take the time to help me so much in this past year, makes me feel alot better about things. I like when people show me how much they care. i love him alot.

That being said, I need to say some more. My friends rule. Perfect examples being, KayG, MJB, Zol, and Ran. This isn't saything that my other friends aren't really cool or awesome or anything. But I just think that these people deserve to be recognized. All four of them listen to what I have to say, and I am pretty sure that they all really do care. They help me when I am down, and actually show an interest in how I am feeling or what's going on in my life. I love it and them.. so much.

So point is, I am turning around and making my life better. And I love the people in my life.

Oh and that this post is on the lamey side, my bad. They'll get better again.

Have a good one.♥.

eighteen.

so i would have to imagine, that it's something about me... do i have too high of expectations? or maybe i just get bored of people? am i that UNBARABLE to be around?... i don't know.

i have never had that "core" group of friends. you know, like those one or two people who have stuck by your side for a long time. whether it be from chilhood, middle school, the begining of high school, etc. i have just never had that. i keep in touch, a bit, with the people who have played large parts in my life, so that's good. but no one ever really stays close. sometimes, it's okay. most of the time, it's not.

anyway, i can't help but notice lately, that i am drifting away from a lot of people. in some situations, it's okay. they are the people who, i think, have been making things more difficult. like i have said before, i depend on people. sooo, even if i don't really feel like you're doing any good in my life, if you were to turn around and be like "well, i don't like you." it would upset me a bit.

i've just seen it a lot. i want to find the people who are going to stick by me and keep them there. there are truthfully about 6people, MAXIMUM, who i know that i can count on these days. this isn't even the list of people who i know will ALWAYS be there, i hope that they will, but that's not what i am talking about. that is the number of people who RIGHT NOW, i know will try to help me. who knows, that may even be over-doing it. it stinks. but it's happening and i can't change it. nah mean?

i'm just feeling real, mixed-up. i don't know what to do about things, all that much lately. it seems that as soon as i get to breathe again, there is something else just waiting to stress me out. ...i probably analyze far too much.

seriously, i'm just stupid. haha.
but, my life still rules.
despite all of this weenie stuff.

have a good one. ♥.

seventeen.

brittany and i finished my audition piece for UARTS yesterday. it only took us 2 practices to start&finish it. i am so releaved that it's done. and everyone who has seen it has given nothing but positive feedback. i am absolutely in love with it, and i feel real confident going in there with this dance. i actually feel like i have a real chance to get into this school. hopefully my SAT scores will be nice enough. i still need to talk to a former dance teacher for my recomendation letter. and finish filling out my transcript. but i am feeling confident.
i am improving in school. it's taken my whole schooling life to get the hang of it, but i am finally putting forth an effort. i always knew that i could do fine in school, even excell in certain things. i just never really could focuse/get started/put in that extra energy outside of school. i am not a stupid person, i just have a hard time getting started. anyway, i'm good. i'm good. i just have to get my ass in gear with that WEEEEE LIL THING, my grad project, heh.
life rules, hopefully things will keep going according to plan. and by next year i'll be livin with my faves, cheelin in our apartment, attending UARTS, driving, making some monies, loving life, comming home to visit, and totally happy! i hope i am not getting my hopes up and psycing myself out for absolutely nothing though.

YO! have a frieking good one! ♥!

sixteen.

it just occured to me that soon i'm really going to have to make life-altering decisions. granted i won't be all alone, i can still ask people for advice and what have you. but nonetheless, when it comes down to it i will be the one making those decisions. it's all a little bit scarey. but i think i am begining to welcome adulthood with open arms. and although i still have my doubts, i am really getting used to the idea of growing up. i am by no means ready to be on my own, in any sense of the word. however it is, inevitably, going to happen. i am going to have to make payments on things.. i am going to have to rely on myself to create a functioning schedule and follow it.. the list goes on, and it gets more and more intimidating. but i really think that i'll be okay. actually, this is the first time that i have ever thought of growing up, and realized that it is something that i will be able to handle and responsability isn't going to eat me alive. i am excited to make decisions, whether they be beneficial or not and to learn from them.

my mind-state, overall lately, has been thumbs up. i'm trying to maintain a positive attitude through everything, and i think it is finally starting to show. i am still working towards being a better person altogether. i want to be nice to people, and not have anything against them until given fair reasoning. i'm sick of acting tough and playing it off as if i don't give a shit. because when it comes down to it, i do, i always have, and i always will. i care what people say, i care what people do, and i care what people think, that's just how i am. no, that does not mean that i obsess over the things that people say, do, or think. it just means that i have a general interest in it. i really am an okay person, deep down, i'm just trying to show it again.

i'm getting it all together. it's taken nearly 18years to get everything straightened out. but i'm finally getting close. i have the ideas, i think i've got the motivation, i have the perfect people to support me, and i still have time. it's gonna happen. god, i rule!

have a good one.♥.

fifteen.

first off.. just know that i am dependent, i always have been. i depend on people for everything. i hate to be alone, i hate to do things alone, just the thought of it makes me anxious and i think about all of the awkward situations that could occur. i have tried to be better about this lately, but it's hard.

now know.. that i am going to try to sort of clean my life. i am going to get rid of every person who brings me down. i don't want to be surrounded by people who don't truely care about me anymore. i don't want to be around people who are going to doubt the best thing in my life. or try to convince me that something isn't right for me, when clearly it is. they obviously aren't looking out for me, rather, they are being selfish.

also, i don't want to be mean. i know i have said that multiple times, but im all gung-ho about it this time. i want to be better. i want to feel nicer. unless you give me reason to be, i won't be mean anymore. i won't make fun of people unless they 100% deserve it. i won't surround myself with people who feel the need to make others feel uncomfortable/unhappy to have a good time. i am sick of doing things/being in situations and knowing that it's not right and knowing that i hate doing it / being there. so from now one, i'll be the bigger man.. and just walk away.

i'm going to be a better person, i swear on it.
and i won't need people anymore, at least no more than the next guy does.
my life is going to be better, and if you want to take part in it and support me with it, then you are more than welcome to. however, if youre going to try to bring me down, walk away while you're ahead.

have a good one.

fourteen.

betterdays.

this weekend was real nice, i enjoyed it all alot.

today i got to thinking, and my life really isn't bad at all. i love the people that i am friends with and spend the majority of my time with, they make things so much better. the only downside to any of it, is my mindframe. i don't know why i don't let myself feel okay with where i am.. i don't understand why i can't just see&accept that things are nice. right now, it's just weird, and i think it's dying down and will end soon. and i will, again, be okay.. for a good amount of time. i love when i feel happy and when i know that things are alright. i like to feel secure with where i am, as apposed to being filled with doubt and questions about everything. i think that things will be good, real soon.

on a side note [mooshygooshygaytalk. ;)]
11months just passed. i couldn't be more pleased with where things are.

i have my days where i let stupid thoughts get the best of me, and i wish i could find the words to explain whats wrong, but i never can. so i find it easier to just say "i am fine" and get over it. i know that it's never anything worth getting worked up over, but some days i just can't help it. and i think i should talk about it, but it tends to be so silly, or something that i just cant figure out, that i decide to just ignore it. that's okay though, it's never real problems, so i shouldn't even be bummed in the first place.

..that's beside the point, though. i am so happy with where we are. i feel loved, and i feel wanted. i feel that there is finally someone who can tolerate me and tell me the truth and be there for me and never ever make me real mad. it's a nice feeling, to know that there is at least one person who has your back. in that sense, i feel secure. and as i said already, i like to feel secure. i don't want this to go away, this feeling of security and love and being wanted and having someone to care for.

..just know that i love you, and that won't change.

have a nice day.

thirteen.

i was out of school all week, for being sick. i went back today and well, i didn't really need to. basically, i didn't miss much all week, i was having hott flashes/throwing up this morning. i would have been okay if i stayed home. OH well, i was bored here anyway.

i think that i am starting to do this thing, where i have an annual "breakdown", if you will. so from now on, when it comes to be autumn, be prepared to see me be insane for a month or so.

it stinks really, i know that things are never as bad as i make them out to be. but somehow i manage to convince myself otherwise. it's real hard to explain. it's like i KNOW that there is good in my life, but i can't bring myself to see it. i just see the bad in EVERYTHING. and if there isn't bad, then i sort of make it up.

i was real bad this weekend. i think from now on i will, mostly, be feeling better. i made things worse for alot of people, and i hated it. i sat inside on sunday and laid around and cried all day. it sounds pathetic, but that's how crappy i felt for the way that i was acting. again, i think i made it into a bigger deal than it was. but i was being unfair, i just, i don't know.

i really hate being alone, sometimes... most of the time. it's nice to think once in awhile. but i literally can't do that alot, or else i go crazy. because again, i dwell on every negative and i can't stop.. who knows.

this post feels like it's going EVERYWHERE, with absolutely no direction, but im just sort of saying things as they come.

i'm losing my train of thought or whatever.
i'm a bit better than last time, that's all that matters.

iloveyou,thankyou.we'llbealright.

twelve.

i don't know what's gotten into me. i can't think straight. i feel abandoned. i feel like a terrible person. and i don't understand why. i just feel so out of my mind right now, and i cant make it go away. i'm going right back to where i was a year ago, and i want it to stop. i want everything to stop spining through my mind. and i just want everything to take a break for a minute so i can gather myself and feel half okay again. i was away from feeling like this for a year! why's it comming back now? i'm losing hope in so many things, i don't want to try to make things better anymore. nothing feels right. it's not fair for anybody, that i am feeling this way, it makes things so much harder. this isn't fair. i shouldn't feel this way. nobody should. no one should ever have to feel this unhappy/lost/no-good ever, in their whole lives.

i don't want to think anymore. i don't ever want to feel this way again. i want it to go away now, and never ever come back to me again. i sound like such a peice of shit. but i swear to god this is how i feel and i hate every second of it.

i love you. and i swear to god, we're going to get better. we're going to be better together, and i can't wait for the day where all of this goes away and we are finally happy again. and we can finally be okay and finally know that there is good. things are going to be alright. they are going to be better. i swear, they are.

eleven.

it's not the best theory, but it'll have to get me by until i come up with a better one..

maybe we're this unhappy, so that we don't start to underappreciate the good that we have. maybe it's to help us notice who our true friends are, the ones who are there to help and really understand. maybe it's to make us work harder for a better life, and to actually feel better once we have it. maybe it's to help us see the basics and know that the little things are what count the most. maybe it'll just benefit us sooner or later.

i've been down lately. along with a few other good friends. it's the worst when the people you care most about feel horrible and there is nothing you can do about it. but, i do love that i can go out with those miserable friends, and somehow cheer ourselves up. no problems were solved, no one had an epiphany, we didn't even win the lottery.. it was just a simple time, with simple talks, that made us all feel a little bit better.
im realizing that there are good&bad in my life. i need to weed out the bad, it might be real hard to do, but i think it will make things better for me. i see that there are some people, who i am repeatidly stressed around in similar situations and that needs to change. i'm not sure what this means for me.. or where it will lead me. it's just some ideas i've had going through my head.
there's more, there's always more.. but we can leave that for another day.

have a good one.

-joie.

ten.

things will get better. they have to... we deserve happy. we are good people. we don't deserve whatever it is we have now. we deserve happy.

i look at people, older people, and i feel sorry for them. i see that throughout their lives they have ended up a mixture of sadness & fear. i'm not sure of what or why, but that's what i see when i look at some people. they just look uncomfortable.. i'm sure i look the same sometimes.
..i don't want to end up that way. i don't want to be a person that people can look at and know that it's exactly how they don't want to turn out. i want to see the good. i want to feel okay. i want to be nice and worryfree. i want to be comfortable. i don't want to feel anxious & nervous all the time, that is the worst. i don't want to ever feel jealous. i don't want to have bad thoughts, at least not as often as i do now.

my life isn't horrible. my mind is just a mess. and i hate myself when i feel this way. but there isn't much that i can do to control it. i try and i try, but it still gets the best of me.

thankyou for sticking by myside. we'll get through this... i swear we will. everything will be alright one day.. one day soon, i promise you.

nine.

"and sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on. and your friends, they sing along, and they love you. but the lows are so extreme, that the good seems fucking cheap. and it teases you for weeks in its absence. but you'll fight and you'll make it through. you'll fake it if you have to. and you'll show up for work with a smile. and you'll be better. and you'll be smarter. and more grown up. and a better daughter or son. and a real good friend. and you'll be awake. you'll be alert. you'll be positive, though it hurts. and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends. and you'll be a real good listener. you'll be honest. you'll be brave. you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful.. you'll be happy."
-rilo kiley.


somethings, are the best they have ever been. but the rest, is the worst. ...i want to be, where i'm going to be at a year from now. and i want that to be, exactly where i think it will be; in philly, with people that i WANT to be with. going to a school that i WANT to go to. and HAPPY. and not feeling crazy.
the fall always does this to me. i think too much. my mind goes to too many places. i over-analyze everything. seriously, nothing is safe. my mind will go off to everything that has ever happened in my life, and i will pick out the bad and the good. but the bad stays with me and the good goes away. this might not make sense... i dont care. i dont understand why it happens. it kills me. and i hate myself when i get like this.
im trying to be better. and nicer. and happier. and stonger. and more relaxed. but its so hard. its so hard to go from wanting to be something.. to actually being that something.
.....i'm the biggest crybaby in the world.

thankyou for sticking by me.