twenty-four.

seriously, what's my problem?


edit;
i sometimes get to be too much of a mess. and all my thoughts get jumbled and i find myself not thinking straight. but then i get straightened out. i do hate, or strongly dislike, whatever it is i have become & i have some work to do. my mind set has changed, nothing crazy... or nothing that affects many people. but something that affects me enough, to fix it. if that makes sense. whatever, i am rambling.

i love you.. that's not changing.

twenty-three.

i'm losing.

i feel like the number of people who actually give a shit is lessening by the day. feeling this way sucks. i don't feel like explaining.. it is, what it is.

i still have a lot of things that rule though [my boyfriend. my family. the friends that do stick around. my job's cool. and i'm doing alright with school.], so okay.

anyway, my grandpop left the hospital on thursday, and my grandmom went in friday morning. she's not doing well at all. and if she doesn't make it, the expectations aren't too high for my grandpop. i hate seeing it that way, but that's what i've been told. i love them, i don't want them to go. i feel like i've just started to get closer to them again. my mom's mom just went into the hospital too, i'm not sure how serious or unserious it is yet though. so hopefully she is fine too. i rarely see my mom's family, i've always liked 'em though. ...so wish them well.

♥

twenty-two.

it's easier for me when shitty people take themselves out of my life. and i think i am pretty good at realizing who is good, who is bad, when to speak up and when to swallow my pride. and because of that, i don't worry too much about the decisions i make. i have decided that if someone wants to end all ties with me, to let them. there is not point in begging someone to stick around if that is not what they want. so i'll accept it, learn from it, and live with it. i'll be happy about the good times spent, and not have to worry about the bullshit said anymore. i am okay with it. things end, better they end on agreement. so i'll agree with it.

i need to manage money better + save it. a lot a lot a lot.

my grandpop is in the hospital. he's there a lot. my eyes started to water today when i saw him, i didn't cry though no one else seemed too upset. it just scares me. i feel this bond with my grandpop, even though we were never real close, i don't think. when i was really little we may have been, i don't remember much. he had these false teeth or maybe just one and i didn't know, and he would tell all of us kids that he had a sweettooth that he could take out and he would take one tooth out. i always tried to do it too. he was a pretty big guy, if i remember correctly. i guess i didn't realize how much he has aged. i like to think that everyone else stays the same even though i grow up. anyway, everytime i see him, i feel like he actually cares to see me and is happy. whereas the rest of my family (aunts and uncles) don't seem to phased by it all. it's weird. but i love my grandpop, and i want him to be happy and healthy.

loveyoubabe.♥.. fa real.

have a good one.

twenty-one.

i need to not be so selfish all the time. i find myself saying things, to the people i care about, that hurt them. it's always unintentional, but always for the sake of throwing a fit over something and making it out to be bigger than it is. afterwards, everytime, i feel horrible and i want to take it back. i just need to think things out more, before i follow through.

this christmas will be interesting. i'm trying to get everyone real nice presents, but unfortunately i am not working nearly as much as last year, so it's hard. not to mention, we [my family] are apparently having financial issues, which is nothing new. however, i thought that this year we were doing better. i was wrong. it's okay, i am not going to whine about how i am not going to get everything that i wanted because, well, i didn't want too much to begin with. and i know that my parents feel horrible about it. i don't understand why this happens. my parents do all that they can to allow us to live comfortably, and to give their kids and eachother what we/they want. it's unfair to see good people put into difficult situations. i mean, it's not horrible, we aren't out on the street and we aren't scraping dumpsters for food, nor are we even close to that situation. more so, everything is being cut down and i have to watch my mom try to keep her pride, while admitting that she can't do all of this alone and she needs her kids help. i hope, either way, it's a nice christmas.

i need to get my reccomendation letter written for UARTS, already. i think part of the reason i am holding back, aside from me not liking to call people, i am scared to have everything sent to UARTS and have them reject me. knowing that i get to go to that school, will enable me to see that all of our plans for next year are possible. UGH! i just want to see it all work out.

the best thing in my life, i love you.
have a nice day/night. ♥.

twenty.

learn your limits. check yourself when you're being out-of-line. understand when it's just not your place. grow up and start acting like an adult... the one's that this is applyng to, most likely won't read this. therefore i can write it and get it out of my system and be 75% sure that it won't backfire. and if it does, i brought it on myself. i don't like when people come into other people's business and make comments that are untrue and unnecessary. that happened two times last night, almost simultaneously. the second time resulting in someone being out of line and making me completely uncomfortable and honestly, scared. while the other person just sat by laughing. fuck, i hated it. and i am so close to just no forgiving the one and making it hard for the other to gain my respect again. i don't understand where any of it came from. but it started, flat out, because they don't know their limits. if you're going to drink, drink to where you are still fun and not an obnoxious fucking bitch or a complete asshole to people who don't deserve it. i want to be over this, and just say that shit happens. but this shit shouldn't. ecspecially with the one person being someone who i considered a real good and close friend. needless to say it was a rough night.

i don't know what's going on with some things. but i am just going to let people what they need to do, and sort of accept it. if someone wants to just walk away, whether it hurts me or not, i am going to let them. no sense in begging someone to stick around if that's not what they're going to want. in the end, people where end up where they have let themselves go. i don't want to hold anyone back from where they end up. i am just going to accept what's thrown at me, and hope that the things that are making me happiest don't go away. because, well that would stink, alot.

i am going to maintain my positive attitude, through whatever is thrown at me. and i am going to be happy with whoever has chose to stick by myside. and where ever i end up a year from now, i guess, is where i should be and hopefully it keeps me happy. i am going to work, so hard, to be where i want next year. i know for a fact, that i would be happy to see it all happen.

i'll be alright.

♥mybestfriend.

nineteen.

and so it goes...
I am going to graduate. I am going to start putting fourth 100% into everything that I do. I am going to begin to actually show that I care as much as I really do. I am going to be honest, and tell people what's really wrong and when it's wrong.. if they ask me. I'm going to be better, with my life. I am going to treat it how I want it to work out. If I want my life to rule, I have to accept it when it does rule. Ya feel me?

So it stinks when I get like this, but this isn't me being all "mushy gushy // lovey dovey" .. okay? But, my boyfriend rules. He has really helped me to realize alot. So many things, that I could have learned so easily if someone would have just taken the time to show me. He's let me see that things aren't as bad as I make them out to be. And when I get stressed out, it's usually over something that I can easily overcome. Having him take the time to help me so much in this past year, makes me feel alot better about things. I like when people show me how much they care. i love him alot.

That being said, I need to say some more. My friends rule. Perfect examples being, KayG, MJB, Zol, and Ran. This isn't saything that my other friends aren't really cool or awesome or anything. But I just think that these people deserve to be recognized. All four of them listen to what I have to say, and I am pretty sure that they all really do care. They help me when I am down, and actually show an interest in how I am feeling or what's going on in my life. I love it and them.. so much.

So point is, I am turning around and making my life better. And I love the people in my life.

Oh and that this post is on the lamey side, my bad. They'll get better again.

Have a good one.♥.

eighteen.

so i would have to imagine, that it's something about me... do i have too high of expectations? or maybe i just get bored of people? am i that UNBARABLE to be around?... i don't know.

i have never had that "core" group of friends. you know, like those one or two people who have stuck by your side for a long time. whether it be from chilhood, middle school, the begining of high school, etc. i have just never had that. i keep in touch, a bit, with the people who have played large parts in my life, so that's good. but no one ever really stays close. sometimes, it's okay. most of the time, it's not.

anyway, i can't help but notice lately, that i am drifting away from a lot of people. in some situations, it's okay. they are the people who, i think, have been making things more difficult. like i have said before, i depend on people. sooo, even if i don't really feel like you're doing any good in my life, if you were to turn around and be like "well, i don't like you." it would upset me a bit.

i've just seen it a lot. i want to find the people who are going to stick by me and keep them there. there are truthfully about 6people, MAXIMUM, who i know that i can count on these days. this isn't even the list of people who i know will ALWAYS be there, i hope that they will, but that's not what i am talking about. that is the number of people who RIGHT NOW, i know will try to help me. who knows, that may even be over-doing it. it stinks. but it's happening and i can't change it. nah mean?

i'm just feeling real, mixed-up. i don't know what to do about things, all that much lately. it seems that as soon as i get to breathe again, there is something else just waiting to stress me out. ...i probably analyze far too much.

seriously, i'm just stupid. haha.
but, my life still rules.
despite all of this weenie stuff.

have a good one. ♥.

seventeen.

brittany and i finished my audition piece for UARTS yesterday. it only took us 2 practices to start&finish it. i am so releaved that it's done. and everyone who has seen it has given nothing but positive feedback. i am absolutely in love with it, and i feel real confident going in there with this dance. i actually feel like i have a real chance to get into this school. hopefully my SAT scores will be nice enough. i still need to talk to a former dance teacher for my recomendation letter. and finish filling out my transcript. but i am feeling confident.
i am improving in school. it's taken my whole schooling life to get the hang of it, but i am finally putting forth an effort. i always knew that i could do fine in school, even excell in certain things. i just never really could focuse/get started/put in that extra energy outside of school. i am not a stupid person, i just have a hard time getting started. anyway, i'm good. i'm good. i just have to get my ass in gear with that WEEEEE LIL THING, my grad project, heh.
life rules, hopefully things will keep going according to plan. and by next year i'll be livin with my faves, cheelin in our apartment, attending UARTS, driving, making some monies, loving life, comming home to visit, and totally happy! i hope i am not getting my hopes up and psycing myself out for absolutely nothing though.

YO! have a frieking good one! ♥!

sixteen.

it just occured to me that soon i'm really going to have to make life-altering decisions. granted i won't be all alone, i can still ask people for advice and what have you. but nonetheless, when it comes down to it i will be the one making those decisions. it's all a little bit scarey. but i think i am begining to welcome adulthood with open arms. and although i still have my doubts, i am really getting used to the idea of growing up. i am by no means ready to be on my own, in any sense of the word. however it is, inevitably, going to happen. i am going to have to make payments on things.. i am going to have to rely on myself to create a functioning schedule and follow it.. the list goes on, and it gets more and more intimidating. but i really think that i'll be okay. actually, this is the first time that i have ever thought of growing up, and realized that it is something that i will be able to handle and responsability isn't going to eat me alive. i am excited to make decisions, whether they be beneficial or not and to learn from them.

my mind-state, overall lately, has been thumbs up. i'm trying to maintain a positive attitude through everything, and i think it is finally starting to show. i am still working towards being a better person altogether. i want to be nice to people, and not have anything against them until given fair reasoning. i'm sick of acting tough and playing it off as if i don't give a shit. because when it comes down to it, i do, i always have, and i always will. i care what people say, i care what people do, and i care what people think, that's just how i am. no, that does not mean that i obsess over the things that people say, do, or think. it just means that i have a general interest in it. i really am an okay person, deep down, i'm just trying to show it again.

i'm getting it all together. it's taken nearly 18years to get everything straightened out. but i'm finally getting close. i have the ideas, i think i've got the motivation, i have the perfect people to support me, and i still have time. it's gonna happen. god, i rule!

have a good one.♥.

fifteen.

first off.. just know that i am dependent, i always have been. i depend on people for everything. i hate to be alone, i hate to do things alone, just the thought of it makes me anxious and i think about all of the awkward situations that could occur. i have tried to be better about this lately, but it's hard.

now know.. that i am going to try to sort of clean my life. i am going to get rid of every person who brings me down. i don't want to be surrounded by people who don't truely care about me anymore. i don't want to be around people who are going to doubt the best thing in my life. or try to convince me that something isn't right for me, when clearly it is. they obviously aren't looking out for me, rather, they are being selfish.

also, i don't want to be mean. i know i have said that multiple times, but im all gung-ho about it this time. i want to be better. i want to feel nicer. unless you give me reason to be, i won't be mean anymore. i won't make fun of people unless they 100% deserve it. i won't surround myself with people who feel the need to make others feel uncomfortable/unhappy to have a good time. i am sick of doing things/being in situations and knowing that it's not right and knowing that i hate doing it / being there. so from now one, i'll be the bigger man.. and just walk away.

i'm going to be a better person, i swear on it.
and i won't need people anymore, at least no more than the next guy does.
my life is going to be better, and if you want to take part in it and support me with it, then you are more than welcome to. however, if youre going to try to bring me down, walk away while you're ahead.

have a good one.

fourteen.

betterdays.

this weekend was real nice, i enjoyed it all alot.

today i got to thinking, and my life really isn't bad at all. i love the people that i am friends with and spend the majority of my time with, they make things so much better. the only downside to any of it, is my mindframe. i don't know why i don't let myself feel okay with where i am.. i don't understand why i can't just see&accept that things are nice. right now, it's just weird, and i think it's dying down and will end soon. and i will, again, be okay.. for a good amount of time. i love when i feel happy and when i know that things are alright. i like to feel secure with where i am, as apposed to being filled with doubt and questions about everything. i think that things will be good, real soon.

on a side note [mooshygooshygaytalk. ;)]
11months just passed. i couldn't be more pleased with where things are.

i have my days where i let stupid thoughts get the best of me, and i wish i could find the words to explain whats wrong, but i never can. so i find it easier to just say "i am fine" and get over it. i know that it's never anything worth getting worked up over, but some days i just can't help it. and i think i should talk about it, but it tends to be so silly, or something that i just cant figure out, that i decide to just ignore it. that's okay though, it's never real problems, so i shouldn't even be bummed in the first place.

..that's beside the point, though. i am so happy with where we are. i feel loved, and i feel wanted. i feel that there is finally someone who can tolerate me and tell me the truth and be there for me and never ever make me real mad. it's a nice feeling, to know that there is at least one person who has your back. in that sense, i feel secure. and as i said already, i like to feel secure. i don't want this to go away, this feeling of security and love and being wanted and having someone to care for.

..just know that i love you, and that won't change.

have a nice day.

thirteen.

i was out of school all week, for being sick. i went back today and well, i didn't really need to. basically, i didn't miss much all week, i was having hott flashes/throwing up this morning. i would have been okay if i stayed home. OH well, i was bored here anyway.

i think that i am starting to do this thing, where i have an annual "breakdown", if you will. so from now on, when it comes to be autumn, be prepared to see me be insane for a month or so.

it stinks really, i know that things are never as bad as i make them out to be. but somehow i manage to convince myself otherwise. it's real hard to explain. it's like i KNOW that there is good in my life, but i can't bring myself to see it. i just see the bad in EVERYTHING. and if there isn't bad, then i sort of make it up.

i was real bad this weekend. i think from now on i will, mostly, be feeling better. i made things worse for alot of people, and i hated it. i sat inside on sunday and laid around and cried all day. it sounds pathetic, but that's how crappy i felt for the way that i was acting. again, i think i made it into a bigger deal than it was. but i was being unfair, i just, i don't know.

i really hate being alone, sometimes... most of the time. it's nice to think once in awhile. but i literally can't do that alot, or else i go crazy. because again, i dwell on every negative and i can't stop.. who knows.

this post feels like it's going EVERYWHERE, with absolutely no direction, but im just sort of saying things as they come.

i'm losing my train of thought or whatever.
i'm a bit better than last time, that's all that matters.

iloveyou,thankyou.we'llbealright.

twelve.

i don't know what's gotten into me. i can't think straight. i feel abandoned. i feel like a terrible person. and i don't understand why. i just feel so out of my mind right now, and i cant make it go away. i'm going right back to where i was a year ago, and i want it to stop. i want everything to stop spining through my mind. and i just want everything to take a break for a minute so i can gather myself and feel half okay again. i was away from feeling like this for a year! why's it comming back now? i'm losing hope in so many things, i don't want to try to make things better anymore. nothing feels right. it's not fair for anybody, that i am feeling this way, it makes things so much harder. this isn't fair. i shouldn't feel this way. nobody should. no one should ever have to feel this unhappy/lost/no-good ever, in their whole lives.

i don't want to think anymore. i don't ever want to feel this way again. i want it to go away now, and never ever come back to me again. i sound like such a peice of shit. but i swear to god this is how i feel and i hate every second of it.

i love you. and i swear to god, we're going to get better. we're going to be better together, and i can't wait for the day where all of this goes away and we are finally happy again. and we can finally be okay and finally know that there is good. things are going to be alright. they are going to be better. i swear, they are.

eleven.

it's not the best theory, but it'll have to get me by until i come up with a better one..

maybe we're this unhappy, so that we don't start to underappreciate the good that we have. maybe it's to help us notice who our true friends are, the ones who are there to help and really understand. maybe it's to make us work harder for a better life, and to actually feel better once we have it. maybe it's to help us see the basics and know that the little things are what count the most. maybe it'll just benefit us sooner or later.

i've been down lately. along with a few other good friends. it's the worst when the people you care most about feel horrible and there is nothing you can do about it. but, i do love that i can go out with those miserable friends, and somehow cheer ourselves up. no problems were solved, no one had an epiphany, we didn't even win the lottery.. it was just a simple time, with simple talks, that made us all feel a little bit better.
im realizing that there are good&bad in my life. i need to weed out the bad, it might be real hard to do, but i think it will make things better for me. i see that there are some people, who i am repeatidly stressed around in similar situations and that needs to change. i'm not sure what this means for me.. or where it will lead me. it's just some ideas i've had going through my head.
there's more, there's always more.. but we can leave that for another day.

have a good one.

-joie.

ten.

things will get better. they have to... we deserve happy. we are good people. we don't deserve whatever it is we have now. we deserve happy.

i look at people, older people, and i feel sorry for them. i see that throughout their lives they have ended up a mixture of sadness & fear. i'm not sure of what or why, but that's what i see when i look at some people. they just look uncomfortable.. i'm sure i look the same sometimes.
..i don't want to end up that way. i don't want to be a person that people can look at and know that it's exactly how they don't want to turn out. i want to see the good. i want to feel okay. i want to be nice and worryfree. i want to be comfortable. i don't want to feel anxious & nervous all the time, that is the worst. i don't want to ever feel jealous. i don't want to have bad thoughts, at least not as often as i do now.

my life isn't horrible. my mind is just a mess. and i hate myself when i feel this way. but there isn't much that i can do to control it. i try and i try, but it still gets the best of me.

thankyou for sticking by myside. we'll get through this... i swear we will. everything will be alright one day.. one day soon, i promise you.

nine.

"and sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on. and your friends, they sing along, and they love you. but the lows are so extreme, that the good seems fucking cheap. and it teases you for weeks in its absence. but you'll fight and you'll make it through. you'll fake it if you have to. and you'll show up for work with a smile. and you'll be better. and you'll be smarter. and more grown up. and a better daughter or son. and a real good friend. and you'll be awake. you'll be alert. you'll be positive, though it hurts. and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends. and you'll be a real good listener. you'll be honest. you'll be brave. you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful.. you'll be happy."
-rilo kiley.


somethings, are the best they have ever been. but the rest, is the worst. ...i want to be, where i'm going to be at a year from now. and i want that to be, exactly where i think it will be; in philly, with people that i WANT to be with. going to a school that i WANT to go to. and HAPPY. and not feeling crazy.
the fall always does this to me. i think too much. my mind goes to too many places. i over-analyze everything. seriously, nothing is safe. my mind will go off to everything that has ever happened in my life, and i will pick out the bad and the good. but the bad stays with me and the good goes away. this might not make sense... i dont care. i dont understand why it happens. it kills me. and i hate myself when i get like this.
im trying to be better. and nicer. and happier. and stonger. and more relaxed. but its so hard. its so hard to go from wanting to be something.. to actually being that something.
.....i'm the biggest crybaby in the world.

thankyou for sticking by me.

eight.

i'm doing the best that i can..

seven.

i am increasingly becomming more and more excited about applying at UARTS. my application is almost complete and ready to be submitted, but i am a retard and don't understand half of the things it is asking me. however, i have picked my audition date... december 2nd.
this has turned into something that i actually want. at first i didn't mind the thought of BCCC for a year. i knew id still be living at home, and id hate that. but i figured, ive lasted this long, whats another year? ..besides i don't even know what i want to do with my life.. this will buy me more time.
&i've always been real stubborn when it comes to me&dancing. people would insist that it's something i am meant to do, and they can tell when they watch me.. i figured they were just being nice. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that i do love to dance.. it is a part of my life and always has been. even when i wasn't registered at a dance studio and regularly taking classes, i was still in love with dance... its something that i am supposed to be doing.
so after the initial shock of, leaving my comfort zone and realizing that i am growing up. i understood that this could be so good for me. i have living arrangements sort of "half-assed" figured out. who knows if they'll work out.. but i really hope they do, it would be fun.
but when i comes down to it.. i have finally found something that i am confident in. it's not that i am a confident dancer, because i'm still not and probably never will be. but i am confident in the fact that I WANT THIS. because I REALLY DO.
basically i will be a nervous wreck towards the end of november, end of story.

..im growing up. WTF?!

six.

I am going to apply at Uarts, for dance. and i am very excited about that.

this is a big step for me. and realizing this sort of put some things into perspective today. i am a wuss, and HUGE scaredy cat. so me taking the step to actually try and go somewhere, is a big deal. but the worst that could happen is, i dont make it or i do and i don't like it so i leave. i was going to write alot. but i dont want to anymore. i am just real happy that i am trying to do something, to better myself in a way.

my spirits have been down lately and i hate it. i am trying to be strong for the people who need me to be strong, and i think i am doing an okay job. but deep down i am falling apart. i am stressed. and i keep getting anxious about everything, and over analyzing anything that happens. my mind is everywhere all the time. i want to control my thoughts.. i feel crazy sometimes. but... i'm gonna get through this, and i am gonna be better... we both are.

have a good one.

five,

i keep things bottled up for too long.

anytime i have any doubt, or any negative feeling at all, i convince myself that it's silly and not worth obsessing over. yet somehow, i obsess over it still. i never want to come out and admit to my negativety and tell people what is wrong. because im scared that it will create an unnecessary conflict. and i hate conflict more than anything. i hate being put down and made to feel stupid. and im always scared that that's how it will turn out.
sometimes i feel like people are cornering me. and talking about me. and hating me. and they never allow me to explain myself. and when they finally let me open my mouth, they critisize every word i spoke. i am never ever sure of how i feel about most things, im indecisive like that. so when i finally feel that it's okay for me to state something, i take it to heart when anyone disagrees. ...that may not make sense, it's hard for me to word it right. i dont know... but basically, i feel very inferior, to everyone lately. and i think that that's where alot of my problems in many other areas are comming from. i feel inferior, not good enough, and anxious.
sometimes i hate my psyche.. i think too much. i dwell on crappy thoughts too often. it's so much worse lately too, because i KNOW that most things in my life are going so well right now, but i still manage to convince myself that it's not all as good as it seems. this is so ridiculous. im so much better than last year.. so much better. ive improved in so many ways. so why can't i show it?

...

four.

"I dont like where i am. Literally & figuratively. I think i mostly mean, my state of mind or whatever. I want to isolate myself from people, but im too scared to be alone. Im jealous of too many people. & I hate feeling inferior. I wanted to go out tonight. I had things to do. Instead i got stuck at home being a dumbass. Im an unhappy little fuck. or something of that sort. i really really want to be able to make that list of things i like and be that pleased with things again. this is sooo stupid. and i feel even more stupid for giving in to it. I think i want someone to "love" or what have you... I want a relationship. & i want to not screw it up by backing away. Eh it wont happen, im sure... "

-so that is from late october, last year.

im in love.. with life. with a boy. with my friends.
i am so happy. and happiness is one of the best feelings. ..that and knowing that everything in life is going to be okay, no matter what life throws at you. ...everything's gonna be alright.
the only downside is how bummed, stressed, and frusterated i get sometimes. i really just want to better myself. it is going to happen. asap. i promise.
thankyou, to everyone who helps me through everything. i would be nowhere near where i am now... so much better off, if it wasn't for you. ♥.

three.

zol- "soo do you think there is something, like, the opposite of RH?!"
kg- "you mean... it goes inside instead of out?!"
hahahahaha.. my life rules. :D

i worked my first saturday morning class of the year, today. it was fun. mostly all kids that i enjoy. the first class is a preschool class, and they are always fun. then i went to taylors and we watched walk the line.. finally. even though he cheated earlier in the week and watched the WHOLE thing without me, oh well. later, we watched Green Street Hooligans again. i didn't cry real bad this time, my eyes only watered a little bit. ANYWAY.. we went to MJB's and KG was there, then zol met up with us later. we played some pool, darts, chilled, it was fun. then we hit up midnight bowling with jake&mary. I WON US A WHOLE PIZZA! it was good.

NEXT is such a lame show. and "pumkin" from flava of love, is on it right now. so many teevee shows suck lately, it bums me out.

im supposed to have the rough copy of my grad project in by this friday, so that i can hopefully hand in the finished product by the end of this month. im still havent started, i am such a procrastinator. i hate it. and i hate the idea of graduation products. they don't prove anything. other than that, school is actually pretty alright. im hoping to end high school, just how i started it. nice, relaxed, and pretty happy. i can be all of those, but sometimes my negativety can get the best of me, which has been the case all too often lately. which brings me to...

how much i love my friends. in times like this, where i find myself getting upset over basically nothing, the people who really care pull through the most. they are the ones who no matter how old it gets, how tiring it gets, or how annoying it gets. continue to stick by myside and try to cheer me up. i don't mean all of this like "oh well, i dont care if i get upset and if im a burden on all of my friends, because they will always be there and they can always try to cheer me up, and they can just do everything for me." i just mean that it's nice, when i get bummed out, to know that i have some friends who will keep me going. and make sure that i am okay. i appreciate it alot, and i love them all for that.

my boyfriend is wonderful like that too. he makes me happy. he keeps me okay&better. he checks up on me when i look bummed out. and he talks things out with me, to make sure everything's alright. i love him. he treats me perfectly, and he is honestly one of the, if not the greatest person in my life.

i like being happy.
have a good one.

two.

i wish i didnt make things more difficult for people. lately i feel like i am always in the way.

i dont know. i'm stupid.

..i am not unhappy with my life. and i am not a miserable person. and i hate myself when i am mean.

looks like i have some work to do.

one.

HEY! blogspot.
basically, xanga&myspace were getting old. xanga, as far as i know, will always be my numba1. and myspace is fun and all but let's get serious. i don't know. plus my brother has one. so i mean, HELLO, this shit r00lz. haha.

[so i re-did this one, now im starting this out how i want to.]

[YIKES! this is a longie!]

i miss lvpa. i just downloaded the "i heart huckabees" soundtrack and it reminded me of our "doll dance". the one i never got to perform (with the exception of the academic probation performance) due to me shitting it up in school, big time. anyway, i am horrible with missing things. when i left pennridge for a year, i didn't know how i would last. i missed everyone, so much. leaving lvpa was just as hard as starting, just two different forms of it. i was a nervous wreck on the first day, i cried. then before i knew it came the last day of school, and i knew i was barely, if ever, going to see these people again.. so of course, i cried.
i loved lvpa. well, my friends at lvpa. and i loved dancing. i grew so much as a person and a dancer. i sort of spent that year trying to be someone, that i guess in the end i wasn't. i dressed like a fool, but it was all in good fun. i guess i was going for an "emo" look. i was a sophmore, trying to figure out who i should be. regardless i had fun.
it's weird. when you are in a moment, it never seems half as good as when you look back on it. while at lvpa, i could only ever think about going to pennridge again. once i came back to pennridge, i realized that being gone for a year, left me with nothing. i had to start all over again. past relationships meant nothing to anyone anymore. i thought i would walk back in, and everything would pick up where i left it. well, that wasn't the case at all.
i don't regret going to lvpa. it has given me just as much as it has taken from me. i don't know it's hard to explain. ...i miss dancing.

(this next part is sort of, for my own well-being. read it, or don't. i feel better when i write things out)

last october, i nearly lost it. i was so mixed up with my life, i am not even sure why. but i would spend nearly every night crying and going into hysterics. nothing ever seemed right. i didn't get along with family. and i was always making my parents mad, so they wouldn't want to "priviledge" me and let me go out. it's not that i am a bad kid, but i easily get frusterated with things that happen. and that doesn't mean that i start beating people up or anything. i just in return to being frusterated i get upset. and it just so happens, that when i am in my house, i find it 10times easier to be unhappy. i just remember alot of crappy things from being little & living here, so i never want to be around.
soon after me "going crazy", for lack of better wording, everything seemed to start fitting together. i don't want to sound all lame and lovie dovie. but i met my boyfriend and we started dating. i swear, he is the reason that everything bad just sort of, drifted into the background of my life. i was finally happy, and nothing would get me down. i was never home, because i was always with him. everything just seemed to flow better. my family&i got along better. my mom could tell, i remember her saying how much happier i seemed and how it really showed. (boys were never really my forte. i could get boyfriends, i just sort of had this thing where it would never last. and from the begining i would always be hesitant about even dating them. it was weird. but for once, i didn't hold back for any second. i knew it was okay. it's easily one of the only things i was ever sure of... that this was what i wanted.)
here comes the end of december/begining of january. my best friend of 5years and i had a little misunderstanding. which slowly grew and grew until everything was blown out of proportion, on both parts. i had friends who stuck by me through those few months. as did she. it was an up&down kind of thing for awhile. we would talk about how we needed to talk things out, but then it would never happen.
finally comes april. a young girl we both taught gymnastics to, passed away. we attended her funeral. and spent the rest of the day together. everything finally felt okay again. things were back in place. my birthday rolled around.
summertime, this summer was so boring. but i liked it, nonetheless. i was always surrounded by people that i love. some fun days went down. and some veryveryvery boring days creeped by. but regardless of what was done, it really was who i spent it with that mattered.
now it's time for the school year to begin. i am a senior and as happy as you can be about that. i'm scared to death of making decisions for myself and being in complete control of my life. we will see.

my life isn't bad. i am just really good at dwelling on things when they go wrong. i hate being alone, for the most part. somedays it's good when you need to think. but other than that, i would rather be around people who make me happy. i am shy and not confident. i hate talking to people i don't know. but i love to meet people. i act differently (shy or loud) depending on who i am around and how comfortable i am with them. i like to make people happy & to help them get through tough times. i hate feeling like i have let people down or made their lives poopier in any way. i can be mean to people, but usually that calls for you to do something to deserve it. i am trying to stop that though, because sometimes i feel really crappy after being mean and then i don't like myself at all. this is probably the only time i will ever talk about my personality/likes&dislikes this much. because i usually am not good with comming up with information about myself... that's all.

haha, i need to organize my thoughts better.