fourteen.

betterdays.

this weekend was real nice, i enjoyed it all alot.

today i got to thinking, and my life really isn't bad at all. i love the people that i am friends with and spend the majority of my time with, they make things so much better. the only downside to any of it, is my mindframe. i don't know why i don't let myself feel okay with where i am.. i don't understand why i can't just see&accept that things are nice. right now, it's just weird, and i think it's dying down and will end soon. and i will, again, be okay.. for a good amount of time. i love when i feel happy and when i know that things are alright. i like to feel secure with where i am, as apposed to being filled with doubt and questions about everything. i think that things will be good, real soon.

on a side note [mooshygooshygaytalk. ;)]
11months just passed. i couldn't be more pleased with where things are.

i have my days where i let stupid thoughts get the best of me, and i wish i could find the words to explain whats wrong, but i never can. so i find it easier to just say "i am fine" and get over it. i know that it's never anything worth getting worked up over, but some days i just can't help it. and i think i should talk about it, but it tends to be so silly, or something that i just cant figure out, that i decide to just ignore it. that's okay though, it's never real problems, so i shouldn't even be bummed in the first place.

..that's beside the point, though. i am so happy with where we are. i feel loved, and i feel wanted. i feel that there is finally someone who can tolerate me and tell me the truth and be there for me and never ever make me real mad. it's a nice feeling, to know that there is at least one person who has your back. in that sense, i feel secure. and as i said already, i like to feel secure. i don't want this to go away, this feeling of security and love and being wanted and having someone to care for.

..just know that i love you, and that won't change.

have a nice day.

thirteen.

i was out of school all week, for being sick. i went back today and well, i didn't really need to. basically, i didn't miss much all week, i was having hott flashes/throwing up this morning. i would have been okay if i stayed home. OH well, i was bored here anyway.

i think that i am starting to do this thing, where i have an annual "breakdown", if you will. so from now on, when it comes to be autumn, be prepared to see me be insane for a month or so.

it stinks really, i know that things are never as bad as i make them out to be. but somehow i manage to convince myself otherwise. it's real hard to explain. it's like i KNOW that there is good in my life, but i can't bring myself to see it. i just see the bad in EVERYTHING. and if there isn't bad, then i sort of make it up.

i was real bad this weekend. i think from now on i will, mostly, be feeling better. i made things worse for alot of people, and i hated it. i sat inside on sunday and laid around and cried all day. it sounds pathetic, but that's how crappy i felt for the way that i was acting. again, i think i made it into a bigger deal than it was. but i was being unfair, i just, i don't know.

i really hate being alone, sometimes... most of the time. it's nice to think once in awhile. but i literally can't do that alot, or else i go crazy. because again, i dwell on every negative and i can't stop.. who knows.

this post feels like it's going EVERYWHERE, with absolutely no direction, but im just sort of saying things as they come.

i'm losing my train of thought or whatever.
i'm a bit better than last time, that's all that matters.

iloveyou,thankyou.we'llbealright.

twelve.

i don't know what's gotten into me. i can't think straight. i feel abandoned. i feel like a terrible person. and i don't understand why. i just feel so out of my mind right now, and i cant make it go away. i'm going right back to where i was a year ago, and i want it to stop. i want everything to stop spining through my mind. and i just want everything to take a break for a minute so i can gather myself and feel half okay again. i was away from feeling like this for a year! why's it comming back now? i'm losing hope in so many things, i don't want to try to make things better anymore. nothing feels right. it's not fair for anybody, that i am feeling this way, it makes things so much harder. this isn't fair. i shouldn't feel this way. nobody should. no one should ever have to feel this unhappy/lost/no-good ever, in their whole lives.

i don't want to think anymore. i don't ever want to feel this way again. i want it to go away now, and never ever come back to me again. i sound like such a peice of shit. but i swear to god this is how i feel and i hate every second of it.

i love you. and i swear to god, we're going to get better. we're going to be better together, and i can't wait for the day where all of this goes away and we are finally happy again. and we can finally be okay and finally know that there is good. things are going to be alright. they are going to be better. i swear, they are.

eleven.

it's not the best theory, but it'll have to get me by until i come up with a better one..

maybe we're this unhappy, so that we don't start to underappreciate the good that we have. maybe it's to help us notice who our true friends are, the ones who are there to help and really understand. maybe it's to make us work harder for a better life, and to actually feel better once we have it. maybe it's to help us see the basics and know that the little things are what count the most. maybe it'll just benefit us sooner or later.

i've been down lately. along with a few other good friends. it's the worst when the people you care most about feel horrible and there is nothing you can do about it. but, i do love that i can go out with those miserable friends, and somehow cheer ourselves up. no problems were solved, no one had an epiphany, we didn't even win the lottery.. it was just a simple time, with simple talks, that made us all feel a little bit better.
im realizing that there are good&bad in my life. i need to weed out the bad, it might be real hard to do, but i think it will make things better for me. i see that there are some people, who i am repeatidly stressed around in similar situations and that needs to change. i'm not sure what this means for me.. or where it will lead me. it's just some ideas i've had going through my head.
there's more, there's always more.. but we can leave that for another day.

have a good one.

-joie.

ten.

things will get better. they have to... we deserve happy. we are good people. we don't deserve whatever it is we have now. we deserve happy.

i look at people, older people, and i feel sorry for them. i see that throughout their lives they have ended up a mixture of sadness & fear. i'm not sure of what or why, but that's what i see when i look at some people. they just look uncomfortable.. i'm sure i look the same sometimes.
..i don't want to end up that way. i don't want to be a person that people can look at and know that it's exactly how they don't want to turn out. i want to see the good. i want to feel okay. i want to be nice and worryfree. i want to be comfortable. i don't want to feel anxious & nervous all the time, that is the worst. i don't want to ever feel jealous. i don't want to have bad thoughts, at least not as often as i do now.

my life isn't horrible. my mind is just a mess. and i hate myself when i feel this way. but there isn't much that i can do to control it. i try and i try, but it still gets the best of me.

thankyou for sticking by myside. we'll get through this... i swear we will. everything will be alright one day.. one day soon, i promise you.

nine.

"and sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on. and your friends, they sing along, and they love you. but the lows are so extreme, that the good seems fucking cheap. and it teases you for weeks in its absence. but you'll fight and you'll make it through. you'll fake it if you have to. and you'll show up for work with a smile. and you'll be better. and you'll be smarter. and more grown up. and a better daughter or son. and a real good friend. and you'll be awake. you'll be alert. you'll be positive, though it hurts. and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends. and you'll be a real good listener. you'll be honest. you'll be brave. you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful.. you'll be happy."
-rilo kiley.


somethings, are the best they have ever been. but the rest, is the worst. ...i want to be, where i'm going to be at a year from now. and i want that to be, exactly where i think it will be; in philly, with people that i WANT to be with. going to a school that i WANT to go to. and HAPPY. and not feeling crazy.
the fall always does this to me. i think too much. my mind goes to too many places. i over-analyze everything. seriously, nothing is safe. my mind will go off to everything that has ever happened in my life, and i will pick out the bad and the good. but the bad stays with me and the good goes away. this might not make sense... i dont care. i dont understand why it happens. it kills me. and i hate myself when i get like this.
im trying to be better. and nicer. and happier. and stonger. and more relaxed. but its so hard. its so hard to go from wanting to be something.. to actually being that something.
.....i'm the biggest crybaby in the world.

thankyou for sticking by me.