forty-one.

it feels so good when people show they care. it feels even better when people haven't changed.

christmas.. it didn't even feel like christmas. this year was rough, financially for my family... well, in a lot of ways too, but i'm talking finance right now. every year is hard, money-wise, but this year was worse.. i thought. i didn't expect anything and i didn't ask for anything. taylor bought me a nice coat and he's going to buy reign over me, for me too. i saw him a lot more before he left, than i thought i would. so that was real nice. taylor's mom bought me earrings and a little purse. his dad and step-mom bought me a $50 gift card to h&m. my grandmom, despite so many things, gave me $200. jamie gave me nose-rings. christopher and natasha gave me a little teaset, some movies, a book, and candy. my mom and my dad gave me victorias secret perfume, socks, and $300. both times i opened up card to find $200 and then $300, i came close to crying, but held back because i didn't want to upset anyone else. i don't know why anyone gave me that much money.. and i know to some people, that isn't a big deal. but i am grateful for what i am given, especially considering who it is from. i woke up christmas morning, and immediately the fighting began. i lost my temper, and that set the pace for the day. my mom and dad fought about me, throught the morning. i wanted to die. i literally, was waiting to just die. i know, so dramatic. i went to see my grandpop and the hospital, and had there not been so many people there, i would have had to leave to go cry. i regret never getting close to any family.

i didn't really feel like making this long. but, i do complain all the time. and i thought it was needed... for me to explain that i do appreciate everything good that i have. i just feel like there is a lot that needs to change, most of which is up to me.

i'm convinced. things can be okay. things will be okay. i won't be like this forever, and i won't be here forever. my life is going to change and it is going to get better. and i am going to feel okay about where i am, what i am doing, who i am with, and how it's all happening.

thank you for reading, thank you for caring. really.

forty.

i don't want this to be my future. i'm scared to end up the same way my family has. we're okay. but that's it. we are only okay. we're just getting by, all of the time, in every aspect of the word. whether it be money, relationships, health.. we are always.. just. getting. by. i can't do this forever. i need it to change. i need to feel better about where i am going. this is all i have ever witnessed life to be, i need to see that it can be something more. i am convinced, at this point, that this is all i will amount to. i feel terrible saying this, like my mom isn't a wonderful person... she is. i just don't want to end up in her position..

i was never scared to love people. lately i've been getting there. i can't stand my dad, my mom loves him. i don't want to marry someone like him.. i don't think i will.. but people can change. i don't know, i'm just scared. i don't want my life to be like this. no one's happy. i need to leave. i need to see something better.

i need to know that people can last, that people can be happy, that people can make it.. i need to know that i can make it. i have no faith in myself. i have little faith left, at all.

i just need someone to care. i don't know..

thirty-nine.

i know i should be, but i just can't get it to happen. i can't be happy, at least not for long. i always feel so useless. i don't make things better, for anyone. i make everything harder. i feel like nothing's worth it anymore. i'm so exhausted. i can't figure out what to do with my life, and time is moving too fast. i'm so scared of where everything's going. i don't even know where to start. i just want to be better. i want to feel better. i just want better, for everyone. "i can't do this anymore" crosses my mind too many times a day. i just want to give up.

i don't get it, i don't know why i do this - why i get so fucking upset over nothing. it just seems that no matter how hard i try, things won't get better for anyone or myself.

i don't know what i want to do in life. i need to feel like i am useful, so far i don't.

ugh, i'm going go to bed.