thirty-six.

ah fuck it. i have been in such a good mood all night. for no reason at all. just happy and cheerful, it ruled. and then out of nowhere i just started thinking, and thinking, and then getting bummed out. i don't even know what i start thinking about half of the time, but whatever it is, i get sad. i hate not knowing things. even more so when i don't know whether i'd rather know all about it, or just stick with knowing only minimum details like i currently do. sometimes i think i'd rather everything just be out there, so that i could know and always know, and when i get uneasy i would know whether i'm being unreasonable or not. even though i'm sure i'd mostly just be unreasonable. i'm such a fucking retarded, swear to god. i suck.

my new job is starting to take it's toll on me. i am exhausted when i get home. i need to tell wendy that i'm not going to work past this tuesday at the gym.

nothing seems consistent anymore. everything's always really up or really down.

my thoughts are going a mile a minute. damnit.

thirty-five.

i started a new job this week, i love it so much. i love working with kids, and 2 year olds rule! they're still super cute like babies, but they can talk to you too! and when you can't understand them, if you just say "OH YEAH!?" they keep going. it's awesome. i just need to get some full time hours so that i can make lotsa money and get a car.

things never change with my family. i feel like i'm truly alone in this house. my mom comes around every so often, it seems to be whenever my dad's not around, but she's still not there as frequent as i'd like. my sister and i have not been getting along at all lately, and as upset as it makes me, it doesn't bother me just as much. i don't understand her, and as much as i want to say it's us being petty. it's been this way my entire life, and i've always felt like she deliberately tries to hurt me. i feel like she is trying to put herself on a higher pedestal and to get there she has to take me down. my dad, ever since i could talk he has been against me. it hurts, he has never taken the time to talk to me or get to know me in any way. he's the only dad i have, there's not some other person i can go to and call dad. he's it, and it stinks.

i miss christopher so much. he's the only person who i feel like i can talk to and he gets it. and he actually cares, and he has something to say in response. whether it's about how happy he is for me, or a way to make myself happier. he's always been there.

i just feel like any other time that i try to talk, about anything, noone wants to hear it.

blah, i don't know.

i want to be moved/moving out by this time next year. just a nice little apartment. i don't want to live by myself, though. i don't think that that would be a very smart plan. so, if you want a roommate, let me knooow. LOL.

i just want to get past this point. i feel like i've been so stuck. with all of the same unhappiness, i want it to go away. and i want to feel better. and i think that once i have my car and i'm able to come and go. and also whenever i move out. with time i'll start to feel happy again.

i have a good job.
i need a car.
i need to save money.
i would like to move out.