thirty-three.

i don't feel good. i'm real frustrated, with a lot.

it's weird. i feel like i've done everything in my life, the wrong way. like i've just gone about things completely the opposite than i should have. i don't get it. i usually don't feel regret, and i still don't. but i feel like i should feel regret or something. it's so confusing. and it makes me just want to hide. i can never pinpoint what it is that makes me sad/upset. unless someone is yelling at me or something. and this is no different. i'm not sure what it is or why, i just feel unsure.

sometimes i just want a second shot, to try everything all over. but there are 2 reasons that, if given the opportunity, i am pretty sure i would pass. 1) i like some things about where i am, and they are too good to give up, just to try and make other things better. & 2) i don't feel like going through certain bullshit again. so, even if starting over were an option.. it wouldn't really be one.

i wish it were easier to talk to people about these things. i never want to bring people down by going on & on & on about my issues, or lack there of. and even more so, i don't want to frustrate or confuse them because i can't even explain myself. ..like, i don't even know what my deal is, how could i even try to talk to someone else about it. it really sucks to not be able to talk about shit.. no matter how badly you want to.

it's scary. i was at such a crappy point, before taylor came along. and he really helped to pull me out of it. and even though i sometimes feel like i'm in a real bad spot.. i know that things are at least okay, because he's still around and he cares. and i'm scared for what i would feel like if he weren't. it's nice to think of it like "ohhhh, you saved me, how lovely." but that's scary, like... i had to be saved? and i don't mean this bad. i love taylor, so much. and i am so happy to have him in my life as my boyfriend and as my best friend because he is the best. but it's just a weird thing, to think that someone sort of, saved you or whatever....

i don't know.. i still don't feel good.

thirty-two.

i got a job. it's at newyork&company. i went in for orientation today, i don't know when i actually start. i think it's going to be really weird/kinda hard to get used to. oh well. today, i got my license. yeahp, it took me until i was 18 to get that. whatever, i have it now. i just need to get a car.

i've been making sure to put myself on better terms with people. it's nicer, to not be worrying about stuff so much. i'm just sick of seeing people get walked all over. so i defend them, and i guess, ultimately bring myself into those situations.... yeah.


i always get bad feelings. and then i get real sad. it's weird and frustrating... i don't know.