fifty-nine.

i'm starting to feel okay with me screwing up so badly. my whole life, i've tried my hardest to be "the good" kid in my family. and i always gave myself that label. it was my defense, anytime i was reprimanded, for anything, i was always so quick to remind my parents about all the things i have done right, and how i had the fewest screw ups. ..i can't really play that card anymore. and in the real world, who's going to care about how good of a kid i was? when i go look for apartments, houses, anywhere to give.. they're going to give 2 shits that my parents were able to trust me all through high school. all they're going to want to know is what kind of credit i have and that i have a steady income. well, my credit is terrible. and i work fulltime, yet i'm always broke. any bigger steps i take in life, it will be nice for ME to know that i was a fairly well-behaved kid. but for anyone else, all that will matter is who i am, now.

it's time to buckle down. i've been saying it for the past 2 + years. but it's time, now. i've finally comprehended how much i am messing myself up for the future. this is the stuff that matters. it sucks, but it's time to be an adult. i need to budget my money, i need to keep my head straight and think before i act. i can't go on luck, i never could. i don't know why, for the past couple months, i thought luck was finally on my side.

nothing's going to go my way, unless i make it. i've never had the type of life where opportunities just fell into my lap. if i ever wanted anything, i had to prepare myself to work for it. for whatever reason i thought life got easier, i don't know where my mind was, but it wasn't where it should have been.

onto, i guess, another topic..
i've been thinking a lot about my future, like far into my future. and i'm nervous. i'm so unhappy, always. and i believe in depression and ADD and ADHD and anxiety and all the things that people sometimes doubt and think are just "excuses" for someone to be a certain way. the part that scares me, is that they're chemical imbalances.. and i haven't looked into it, but i'm pretty sure hereditary. i don't want to pass this on to someone else. i don't ever want to parent a child who is this unhappy and unsure about everything in their life. i don't know if that's a weird thing to think about. but, i guess, working with kids makes me think this way. i think about how i'll raise my children and how i think they'll act. they're all so innocent and stuck in their way. i don't ever want to watch my own child go from feeling so okay about the world, to feeling so stuck and miserable, all of the time, no matter how good the people around them treat them.
i don't want to get old, i look at anyone who is old, and i get depressed and scared. i never want to be middle-aged. people seem so stressed out and unhappy. their kids are grown/growing up. they, themselves, are getting old. i guess when you get there, it's worth it. but right now it seems like such a scary place, especially for someone who's so unhappy at 19. i never want to be so old that i'm waiting to die. i never want to lose someone i've spent the majority of my life with day after day. i guess it's better, if you've had kids, and they've had kids, and you're surrounded by them. but that still must be so hard. whatta baby, right?

well, anyway.. i guess i'm really determined to be better now.

fifty-eight.

everyday i drive to work. i drive home for my break. i drive back to work. i drive home again. everytime i drive either to or from work, i pass a farm and a pond. i see little baby geese and ducks, they're so cute. and i see baby sheep, they're so cute too. one is a cow-sheep, that's what i call it. it has cow markings, but it's a sheep. anyway, that's usually.. mostly.. the only good part of my day.

i hate that one day can be so good, and the next week feel so so bad. what's even bad about my life? i don't know, not much. but i'm so miserable. i don't know what to change, other than myself. i feel like i've tried to change myself so many times, and everytime i succeed i still manage to fail, in that i haven't changed into anything better.

somedays i want to leave. go somewhere new. leave everything behind. i couldn't ever do that. i'm too dependent. i think i'm actually finally losing that. i'm letting go of holding onto people, if that makes sense. i think i finally feel a little bit okay doing some things alone.

i can't even find words, half the time, to explain how i feel. i just know i don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life - lost.