sixty-eight.

"yellow hair, you are such a funny bear. slender fingers would hold me, slender limbs would hold me. and you could say my name like you knew my name. i could stay here, become someone different. i could stay here, become someone better."
i've been listening to cat power so much lately.

well, my car's done for. it will cost $1800 to fix it.. which is $600 more than what i bought it for. no thanks. so i'm buying a new one, probably this coming weekend. i drove by my car sitting at the shop yesterday and i got real sad. it looked so lonely. i liked that car for what it was. i'll miss it alot.

i feel like i've been stand-offish lately. i'm not sure how to explain it anymore than just that. i don't want to be so dependent, i sort of just want to be alone. but i can't allow myself to do that, because i know that if i isolate myself.. it just won't be a good idea. i never do good when i am alone, but i so easily begin to lean on people for support, and i don't like that. i don't like the idea that if people start to walk away i will fall. i want to know that i will be able to stand alone and have that be enough.. if it were to come to that. i don't want to be alone, but i want to know that i could be and i would still be okay. my stomach hurts, it's hurt all week. i've just felt so lousy.

i love the weather in the beginning of the fall. but my mind always gets so crazy and sad. i'm not sure why, but, it happens every year. maybe this year it won't be so bad.

sixty-seven.

this year is going to be so nice, with work at least. i hope. it seems like everyone at the daycare is real supportive of me teaching, if anyone is bitter it's the catty girls that i don't care for anyway. i'm proud of myself, i feel like my hard work and dedication to my job is really paying off. i thought i was going nowhere with this job, for so long. i'm scared and happy for september 2nd, that's when i get my new kids and everything is official. but knowing that so many people are willing and able to help me as i need it, is so reassuring, and i hadn't felt that so much at this job until now.
aside from my car, and never having money, a lot of stuff feels better right now. i think my relationships with people are better. and i think that, in large part, has to do with me paying more attention to my attitude and outlook. after i realized how badly my moods were taking a toll on the people around me, i basically had a sit-down with myself to really figure this out. if i find that i really do need help, i will get it. but i want to actually try it on my own, first. and right now i feel as if i'm doing a good job. i've had a bad few days, but i try my hardest to not let that carry on any farther past those days than it needs to. i still let my mind get the best of me, i don't think i'll ever get that right. but i try not to show it so much. i've always worn my emotions on the outside, and didn't care who saw. i shouldn't do that so much anymore, because my emotions are never so pretty. i want people to think i'm pretty, inside at least. i used to be nice and i was friends with everyone. i don't mind not being SO friendly now, people take advantage too much. so a little hate never hurt anyone. actually, i changed my mind, i'll hate all i want. but i need to stay good to my friends. which i think i've always done. but i guess i'll be good to me now too, for their sake.

i want to move out it won't happen until, probably the spring. i still have to pay off capital one, and that is turning out to be a bigger pain in the tush than i thought it would be. but, i should probably start looking for people to live with me now, so i'm ready when the time comes.

sixty-six.

"I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE. HALF OF IT IS INNOCENT, THE OTHER HALF IS WISE."

like clockwork, as soon as everything is looking up, it comes crashing right back down. my car is broken. i owned it, it was mine. my first real thing, my freedom, my step forward into getting what i want out of life. and now it's done for. i'm so sad, i'm frusterated, i'm anxious, i'm nervous, and i'm let down... OVERWHELMED. whatever.

sixty-five.

just call me teach.

i'm teaching now. that rules. not much more money, but still cool. i'm 19 and i am going to be a teacher. granted it's for 2 year olds, it's not like i'm teaching 2nd grade. but for now it'll do.

i can't wait to get out of debt and save up and move out. woot.

everything feels so alright, right now. nice.

sixty-four.

i cant believe bo is 3.