fifty-seven.

wednesday morning: my mom told me that my grandpop was put on hospice. i knew he wasn't doing very good, so it wasn't much of a shock.. just sucked a lot.

wednesday night: my mom told me that one of the hospice nurses told me aunt that he only had a few weeks left in him. it broke my heart. it took me way too long to get close to my grandparents.. i only started the past few years, actually. and he's been sick for about the past 10. so i wrote my last entry and i couldn't stop crying.

thursday afternoon: i came home for my break. my dad came by and was in a rush. i quickly asked him how late the nursing home is open so i could go visit my grandpop, to which he replied "i wouldn't worry about it.. i don't think he's making it past today." i broke down. i went back to work late, with the help of people moving around their rooms, they let me leave early. i went and saw him, when the rest of my family didn't think i should, since he wasn't looking good. they way i saw it, if i went, and couldn't take it.. i could always leave. but if i didn't go, and never saw talked to him again, i would never be able to change that. he wasn't responsive at all. i hated seeing everyone so sad. i sat with him for awhile and talked to my aunts and uncles and my grandmom. my poor grandmom.

friday early evening: i called my dad while i was at work to see how my grandpop was doing, he said he seemed better. he was responsive, talking a little bit, awake sometimes. i left work 20minutes early so i could talk to him. when i got there, he woke up. he smiled at me and tried to say hi, he looked better. he smiled at me and i was so happy. my cousin left and my mom showed up, he didn't wake up. we were talking about something, and he raised his eyebrows all funny, because he liked what we were talking about. i laughed. i sat with him for awhile, and held his hand. i told him i loved him, kissed his forehead, and said goodbye.

saturday morning: i woke up to my mom asking me to clean the house with my sister, she was running around getting ready to leave. i asked her where she was going, she said my dad wanted his cell phone. then i asked how my grandpop was doing after i left, she said that he was okay, but that's how people are when they're passing - somedays good, somedays bad. i told her it didn't matter, as long as he had a good night. then i told her that i was going to jersey for a show and sleeping at danielle's house. she got real mad at me. we started fighting. i told her that i saw him the last 2 days and would go again before i left for jersey. she said "they're probably taking him to the funeral home, he wouldn't be there later." i asked what the hell she was talking about and she said "i woke you up this morning. i told you. grandpop passed at 7 o'clock this morning." every piece of my insides dropped into my stomach.

i spent the day at my grandmom's. and ended up going to the show after. she wanted everyone to leave so she could have some time alone, and i didn't think i would do well with sitting at home all night just thinking. i'm glad i went, it helped alot to have people around me. tay and i slept at joe's last night. i think i sort of needed that too. just someone to sit there/lay there with me. plus i was tired. tonight will be hard. it's already 2am, i don't feel too tired. i'm scared to lay down and think.

i'm glad you smiled at me on friday. i'm so glad i saw you. i hate that you're not here. i miss you. and i love you. you were so great to me, and i'm still sorry that it took me so long to get to know you. wednesday is going to be so hard...

fifty-six.

goodbye.

it took us way too long to get to know eachother. i'm sorry that i'll probably never know you as well as i could have. i want to spend the next few weeks living by your bedside, spending every second with you. truth is, i'm scared. you were never mean to me. i don't know why i always thought the two of you hated me, i just never knew what happened before, so things seemed different. you were the best. you still are. i remember before everything happened with you, when you were still a big guy.. you were so big. it was all at the old house. you used to tell me that you had a sweet tooth and it was special and you could take it out of your mouth.. then you'd pull it out. i tried to do that for years, haha, i only recently remembered and figured out what it really was. and you used to have those casino games in your house, but i'm pretty sure i always had to put the money back.. maybe not. either way, it was so fun. and the big swings on the porch, that was such a fun house. i was so little. i don't know why i never tried to have a better relationship with you. i regret that so much, i want to be close to you. i'm so sorry. thanks for always have sorbet for me, since noone could ever get me to eat anything else when i came over. i miss you already. i just want to give you a big hug that never stops. this isn't fair. and i don't know how to handle only having you around for a few more weeks.. and knowing that. i love you so much. i really do. i don't know what she's going to do without you. you're so in love with eachother. over the past few months everytime i had to watch you say goodbye and not know when you would see eachother again, it broke my heart. you're the best people i know. and i can't stand the thought of losing one of you. i love you. hold on just a little longer, if you can, i need more time with you.

fifty-five.

whatever.

my birthday is in just about 2weeks. nineteen. nothing new.

i want a new job. and i need to write out a budget so that i can know how much money i need to make sure i have each month to pay things off. i still have no health insurance. why is it so expensive? i just want to be given a couple pills when i get sick so it doesn't last for 3 weeks like this past, whatever i had, did. ...and then i want to move out. PLZ.

owning a car is so great. last night my dad said "i'll tell you what, leave now and you won't have to pay off the car." ..if i had somewhere else to live i would have taken him up on that offer. dang.

taylor's still a nice boyfriend. :)

fifty-four.

toilet paper. so you're peeing and/or pooping on the toilet, you finish, time to wipe! you're down to the last little bit of toilet paper, but it's just the right amount for you to be clean enough to go. so you use it, and you leave an empty roll.. i can understand this, you just suck and you're really lazy. NBD, right? right. OKAY. so this time you finish and it's time to wipe. BUT, you don't have enough toilet paper to get the job done. sooo, you use what's left and you get out a new roll. HOWEVER, you fail to throw out the empty one and put the full one on the holder and you just leave it sitting on the counter. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES IT TAKE TO DO THIS? i hate it. it kills me everytime.

anyway, i have a car. that's cool. i got accepted to bucks. i need to take my placement tests and stuff. noone seems to be that proud of me for taking the initiative to apply. i mean, i guess to most people it's no big feat. OOOH COMMUNITY COLLEGE, YOU'RE REAL COOL. well, i am real cool. that was a big step for me. i am awful and going ahead and doing these sort of things on my own. i get anxious and i want to barf. but i did it. i committed to going back to school, back to having homework... full time, and at night, so that i can work full time to save money and pay my way through school. i am going to be pretty busy, i suppose. but i'm finally determined to do what i have to to make my life better. and right now, this seems to be it.

i think i'm quitting my job soon. after i find a new one, of course. i don't like it. there's no organization, i don't make good money.. those are just two on the laundry list of things making me want to leave. i think i want to teach elementary school one day, though. right now, i think i just might want a desk job. like a secretary or something. it could be cool.

i joined the gym, i just can't take classes yet.. 'cause i didn't pay. ha. i'm really excited though. i like working out, i'm just bad at doing it on my own at home. they have a dance studio there too, so that would be nice if i could get back into dance. all i'd do is ballet and maybe pointe. i'd totally be into modern and lyrical if they had that, but they don't. it will feel so good to be doing something, again.

i think sprinkles lost weight, that sucks. she still snores though. fattie.

WTF. this has been pretty optimistic.
well, have a good day. 'cause i sort of am.
it's so nice outside. :)