forty-one.

it feels so good when people show they care. it feels even better when people haven't changed.

christmas.. it didn't even feel like christmas. this year was rough, financially for my family... well, in a lot of ways too, but i'm talking finance right now. every year is hard, money-wise, but this year was worse.. i thought. i didn't expect anything and i didn't ask for anything. taylor bought me a nice coat and he's going to buy reign over me, for me too. i saw him a lot more before he left, than i thought i would. so that was real nice. taylor's mom bought me earrings and a little purse. his dad and step-mom bought me a $50 gift card to h&m. my grandmom, despite so many things, gave me $200. jamie gave me nose-rings. christopher and natasha gave me a little teaset, some movies, a book, and candy. my mom and my dad gave me victorias secret perfume, socks, and $300. both times i opened up card to find $200 and then $300, i came close to crying, but held back because i didn't want to upset anyone else. i don't know why anyone gave me that much money.. and i know to some people, that isn't a big deal. but i am grateful for what i am given, especially considering who it is from. i woke up christmas morning, and immediately the fighting began. i lost my temper, and that set the pace for the day. my mom and dad fought about me, throught the morning. i wanted to die. i literally, was waiting to just die. i know, so dramatic. i went to see my grandpop and the hospital, and had there not been so many people there, i would have had to leave to go cry. i regret never getting close to any family.

i didn't really feel like making this long. but, i do complain all the time. and i thought it was needed... for me to explain that i do appreciate everything good that i have. i just feel like there is a lot that needs to change, most of which is up to me.

i'm convinced. things can be okay. things will be okay. i won't be like this forever, and i won't be here forever. my life is going to change and it is going to get better. and i am going to feel okay about where i am, what i am doing, who i am with, and how it's all happening.

thank you for reading, thank you for caring. really.

forty.

i don't want this to be my future. i'm scared to end up the same way my family has. we're okay. but that's it. we are only okay. we're just getting by, all of the time, in every aspect of the word. whether it be money, relationships, health.. we are always.. just. getting. by. i can't do this forever. i need it to change. i need to feel better about where i am going. this is all i have ever witnessed life to be, i need to see that it can be something more. i am convinced, at this point, that this is all i will amount to. i feel terrible saying this, like my mom isn't a wonderful person... she is. i just don't want to end up in her position..

i was never scared to love people. lately i've been getting there. i can't stand my dad, my mom loves him. i don't want to marry someone like him.. i don't think i will.. but people can change. i don't know, i'm just scared. i don't want my life to be like this. no one's happy. i need to leave. i need to see something better.

i need to know that people can last, that people can be happy, that people can make it.. i need to know that i can make it. i have no faith in myself. i have little faith left, at all.

i just need someone to care. i don't know..

thirty-nine.

i know i should be, but i just can't get it to happen. i can't be happy, at least not for long. i always feel so useless. i don't make things better, for anyone. i make everything harder. i feel like nothing's worth it anymore. i'm so exhausted. i can't figure out what to do with my life, and time is moving too fast. i'm so scared of where everything's going. i don't even know where to start. i just want to be better. i want to feel better. i just want better, for everyone. "i can't do this anymore" crosses my mind too many times a day. i just want to give up.

i don't get it, i don't know why i do this - why i get so fucking upset over nothing. it just seems that no matter how hard i try, things won't get better for anyone or myself.

i don't know what i want to do in life. i need to feel like i am useful, so far i don't.

ugh, i'm going go to bed.

thirty-eight.

i just read a few posts from a little over a year ago, and i feel discouraged. i kept talking about how i would be moved out by now, at a school doing something great, and living with people who made me happy all of the time... hopefully in philly. none of that has happened. i am at home, car-less, working 40 hours a week. i'm just sick of reading over things and never being happy. i wasn't happy then, but i was certain that i would be happy within the next year. and here i am, the same. i haven't made anyone's life any better. i don't feel wanted. it's been 2 years of me convincing myself and the people around me that "the better days are close. things are going to be better soon." ...well, they haven't yet. i'm not miserable, i'm not. i just can't seem to get myself to relax and realize that things are okay. i'm convinced that i am what's holding everyone back. and the fact that no one else is happy, is what is keeping me down.

i feel like everyone else is moving forward and i am stuck. i am always going to be stuck. i'm always going to be here, and i am always going to feel this way. i'm stopping while i'm ahead. i can't do this, not right now. i don't feel like panicking tonight.

thirty-seven.

i've moved on to a new kind of pain. it's not for me anymore, it's not self-pity, and it's not bitterness. it's the kind of pain you feel when you know that someone you care about is at one of their lowest points and isn't happy at all, losing hope. and you know that there isn't much you can do but stand by them, just like you have in the past.

this is one of the worst pains i've ever had. i can deal when i'm upset about my own problems. but i hate for anyone else to ever feel the way i have, or worse.

i can't stop crying right now. and i can't stop being so angry at any person who has ever hurt you. i just want you to be able to see what i see. because i don't see a monster, not at all.

i hate for anyone to hurt. i hate for strangers to feel sad. i hate to think about people i've never even met feeling a single bad feeling. i hate that there are people who exist who can't even realize the crap that they are putting someone through.

humans are the worst. i need to go to bed.

thirty-six.

ah fuck it. i have been in such a good mood all night. for no reason at all. just happy and cheerful, it ruled. and then out of nowhere i just started thinking, and thinking, and then getting bummed out. i don't even know what i start thinking about half of the time, but whatever it is, i get sad. i hate not knowing things. even more so when i don't know whether i'd rather know all about it, or just stick with knowing only minimum details like i currently do. sometimes i think i'd rather everything just be out there, so that i could know and always know, and when i get uneasy i would know whether i'm being unreasonable or not. even though i'm sure i'd mostly just be unreasonable. i'm such a fucking retarded, swear to god. i suck.

my new job is starting to take it's toll on me. i am exhausted when i get home. i need to tell wendy that i'm not going to work past this tuesday at the gym.

nothing seems consistent anymore. everything's always really up or really down.

my thoughts are going a mile a minute. damnit.

thirty-five.

i started a new job this week, i love it so much. i love working with kids, and 2 year olds rule! they're still super cute like babies, but they can talk to you too! and when you can't understand them, if you just say "OH YEAH!?" they keep going. it's awesome. i just need to get some full time hours so that i can make lotsa money and get a car.

things never change with my family. i feel like i'm truly alone in this house. my mom comes around every so often, it seems to be whenever my dad's not around, but she's still not there as frequent as i'd like. my sister and i have not been getting along at all lately, and as upset as it makes me, it doesn't bother me just as much. i don't understand her, and as much as i want to say it's us being petty. it's been this way my entire life, and i've always felt like she deliberately tries to hurt me. i feel like she is trying to put herself on a higher pedestal and to get there she has to take me down. my dad, ever since i could talk he has been against me. it hurts, he has never taken the time to talk to me or get to know me in any way. he's the only dad i have, there's not some other person i can go to and call dad. he's it, and it stinks.

i miss christopher so much. he's the only person who i feel like i can talk to and he gets it. and he actually cares, and he has something to say in response. whether it's about how happy he is for me, or a way to make myself happier. he's always been there.

i just feel like any other time that i try to talk, about anything, noone wants to hear it.

blah, i don't know.

i want to be moved/moving out by this time next year. just a nice little apartment. i don't want to live by myself, though. i don't think that that would be a very smart plan. so, if you want a roommate, let me knooow. LOL.

i just want to get past this point. i feel like i've been so stuck. with all of the same unhappiness, i want it to go away. and i want to feel better. and i think that once i have my car and i'm able to come and go. and also whenever i move out. with time i'll start to feel happy again.

i have a good job.
i need a car.
i need to save money.
i would like to move out.

thirty-three.

i don't feel good. i'm real frustrated, with a lot.

it's weird. i feel like i've done everything in my life, the wrong way. like i've just gone about things completely the opposite than i should have. i don't get it. i usually don't feel regret, and i still don't. but i feel like i should feel regret or something. it's so confusing. and it makes me just want to hide. i can never pinpoint what it is that makes me sad/upset. unless someone is yelling at me or something. and this is no different. i'm not sure what it is or why, i just feel unsure.

sometimes i just want a second shot, to try everything all over. but there are 2 reasons that, if given the opportunity, i am pretty sure i would pass. 1) i like some things about where i am, and they are too good to give up, just to try and make other things better. & 2) i don't feel like going through certain bullshit again. so, even if starting over were an option.. it wouldn't really be one.

i wish it were easier to talk to people about these things. i never want to bring people down by going on & on & on about my issues, or lack there of. and even more so, i don't want to frustrate or confuse them because i can't even explain myself. ..like, i don't even know what my deal is, how could i even try to talk to someone else about it. it really sucks to not be able to talk about shit.. no matter how badly you want to.

it's scary. i was at such a crappy point, before taylor came along. and he really helped to pull me out of it. and even though i sometimes feel like i'm in a real bad spot.. i know that things are at least okay, because he's still around and he cares. and i'm scared for what i would feel like if he weren't. it's nice to think of it like "ohhhh, you saved me, how lovely." but that's scary, like... i had to be saved? and i don't mean this bad. i love taylor, so much. and i am so happy to have him in my life as my boyfriend and as my best friend because he is the best. but it's just a weird thing, to think that someone sort of, saved you or whatever....

i don't know.. i still don't feel good.

thirty-two.

i got a job. it's at newyork&company. i went in for orientation today, i don't know when i actually start. i think it's going to be really weird/kinda hard to get used to. oh well. today, i got my license. yeahp, it took me until i was 18 to get that. whatever, i have it now. i just need to get a car.

i've been making sure to put myself on better terms with people. it's nicer, to not be worrying about stuff so much. i'm just sick of seeing people get walked all over. so i defend them, and i guess, ultimately bring myself into those situations.... yeah.


i always get bad feelings. and then i get real sad. it's weird and frustrating... i don't know.

thirty-one.

well, i graduated and that rules. definitely didn't see that happening. hopefully i will be able to change my habits next year, with college, and not procrastinate so much.
summer is upon us and i am very happy. i'm all done with my first real job in a week, after 3 years of the same thing. i'm glad i didn't quit in the middle of the year as i would have liked to many of times. the end came soon enough, just like i kept telling myself. and now i won't be leaving on bad terms, and (god forbid) if i ever change my mind, they will most likely take me back. i realized alot about working there, however, over the last month. for instance, i started being treated much differently after a certain incident a little less than 2years ago that didn't pertain to anyone of the people who began treating me differently. i don't like that they were such nosey people who would bring themselves into other people's business and then allow that to effect the way that they were treating others. i don't know, it's what you get for working with all girls. ...so yeah, having no job and then a new job will be weird.
i'm always so nervous about everything. i think too much, and it always gets the best of me. and i bring people down. noone wants to be around me anymore and that's a crappy feeling. but basically, i guess it's all on me.... i have a headache, and it's not going away.

i need to use this again.

thirty.

i sat at home all day today.

there was a specific reason i had my day filled with things to do. to keep myself busy. so that my mind couldn't wonder and i wouldn't get upset. well, i did nothing, yet another reason i hate snow.

i got inside my head, just like i knew i would. i was okay for the first few hours. until 5-ish.

i'm not happy. i try to be. and i try to be satisfied with things exactly how they are. but i'm not.

nobody wants me around.

i don't think people understand exactly how unwanted i feel. and it's always been that way.

i don't want to care anymore.

i'm really upset right now. i feel like i'm failing at everything. and it's a terrible feeling.

i'm no good.

twenty-nine.

i'm no good at speaking up for what i want.

i have no beliefs on politics, religion, society, etc. none. i don't know where i stand with anything. i don't know what kind of person i am. if i care, or if i don't. i change each day. and that is getting harder and harder to deal with. i don't know how to react to situations. i always want to put the people i care most about, before myself. but that begins to take it's toll after some time. i don't want to be selfish. but i want to find that happy median. ..that happy median is always so hard to find.

i don't know.. FTW.

twenty-eight.

my senior year is winding down. and i'm not ready. i haven't even handed in my grad. project yet. i feel more behind than everyone else. i feel like most people at least have an idea about what they want to do with their lives. and i don't, at all. and i know that it's okay, that most people don't know what they want to do for the rest of their lives at the age of 18. and even if they do, they usually change their minds. but even a little bit of an idea would be okay for me to have. right now, i just know that i like hanging out with kids. cool.

i'm going to be 18 in a little over a month. WTF?! i don't think anyone looks at me, or sees the way i behave and thinks "mature." i know i that just because society will now view me as an adult, that doesn't mean that i, all of a sudden, have to drop my childhood and immediatly take on loads of responsability. i would just like to feel as if i am on the right track.

i don't think i ever took anything serious enough. i mean, i have stressed over school on many accounts, i always knew it would matter later on. but i never fully committed myself, it has always been a "next year it will be better" kind of thing. i am still doing that. i keep insisting that i am more of a "college person" than a "high school kid." this could be a correct assumption, but just as easily i could be wrong.

i am just scared that i am going to make the wrong choices and end up in a bad spot and not able to fix it.

there are things i want to do next year, with my life, not just school, but i'm not sure where other people who would be involved stand. and so i am still nervous to say anything. i don't know. it's weird.

sometimes, i get into my head a lot. and i mess with my mind. it's annoying, i get extremely worked up over things that don't matter. i start to get anxious about everything, it's weird as shit and i hate it.

i'm starting to isolate myself a lot, again. at least from the people i see on an everyday basis.

i miss my brother.

and my half-brother, who keeps saying he will come visit. but he probably never will. and the only way that i will ever see him again is if i take a trip down to georgia and call him and tell him that i am there. even then he'd probably be too busy to catch up.

thankyou for dealing with me, through everything. i know i'm not perfect or anywhere near. but you treat me like i am. and you make my life easier than i could have ever imagined it being. you da bomb.

twenty-seven.

i'll write this in here, because i only want the people who will care / understand to read it. i know more people than will read this, care about me. but it comes down to who is actually going to understand where i am comming from and will help me out a bit.
what it comes down to, is that my family doesn't like me.. honestly. i am not a bad person.. i don't do drugs, i don't drink, i don't throw parties, my parents almost always know where i really am, i have a job, i'm not completely failing school, i do extra curricular activities.. i do my part. granted, i am a bum sometimes. i complain when i am asked to help out. but really, who doesn't ever complain? this other kids in my family have.. had warrants out for their arrest and haven't come home to visit for 5+ years, thrown house parties while my family was away, snuck out to meet their boyfriends, done multiple amounts of drugs, stolen my parents beer, and shit of the same content. this isn't a low-blow to anyone in my family, people have their downsides, and i know that i am not a perfect. i can be a bitch and i can be lazy. however, that is not an every day occasion.
when i am with my family i tend to feel like the outcast. nobody ever seems to want me around, find me interesting, or find me funny. we recently went out to dinner and a discussion of my sister's myspace came up, yeah, we talked about myspace. she was saying she needs help designing hers, so trying to be funny i say, "yeah, because nobody likes your myspace." the table turns to me with a look of disgust and of course my dad mumbles, but fairly clear & loud, "figures, she has to be the little bitch she is, and come up with that." and as that is being said my brother goes, "to be fair, your myspace does suck." ...everyone bursts out into laughter. so WHY is what i said so horrible, but if my brother says it, it's a huge joke?! it's been like this, as long as i can remember. but, i used to be spoiled and i was too young to recognize the difference. well now, it's literally become a daily thing of arguing about stupid shit with my mom. OF ALL PEOPLE, MY MOM!
with my dad, i understand completely why he doesn't care much for me. out of all of his kids, i am sort of the one who just stands up to him. when my dad gets in my face with threats to hit me and so on and so forth, i sort of give it right back to him, and he knows that if he was to ever touch me, i would make his life hell, because i have made that more than clear PLENTY of times. i don't baby it up and take his shit. and NO, i am not trying to sound tough, because i do cry about it. whether it is while i am screaming at him, or afterwards when i am in my room and emotions are running high. it's stupid, and i am sick of it. i am tired of being disliked because i don't enjoy being treated like shit. it's come to the point where i am just plain and simple the bitch of my family, that they can't wait to get rid of. i keep reasurring everyone that i am only around for a few more months, but i just get attitude and immaturity in response.

whatev. i am going to go to Bucks. i wanted to do MontCo, but turns out the tuition will double and that's bullshit.

thanks for reading.

twenty-six.

i am filled with hate.

twenty-five.

i don't know what to do about next year anymore. the last thing that i want is to live in philly by myself or with a complete stranger. i know tons of people dorm & it's usually with someone you have never met. but something about that just scares me. i'd be paired with the creepiest chick alive, and that does nothing for me but take away any excitement i had. UARTS had nice dorms & i know a girl going there, so that would probably be less bad. too bad, i am already pushing myself away from going there. i am not going to dance in my life after college, so why go to school for it, ya know? well, i'm not going to go to any college if i don't get my shit together right now. ugh.

i'm going to stop setting myself up for a let down. it's annoying, i constantly get excited for things that don't end up happening. there's not any one specific thing, just in general, i get stoked about things & then all plans just fall through.

i hate school more and more each day.