nineteen.

and so it goes...
I am going to graduate. I am going to start putting fourth 100% into everything that I do. I am going to begin to actually show that I care as much as I really do. I am going to be honest, and tell people what's really wrong and when it's wrong.. if they ask me. I'm going to be better, with my life. I am going to treat it how I want it to work out. If I want my life to rule, I have to accept it when it does rule. Ya feel me?

So it stinks when I get like this, but this isn't me being all "mushy gushy // lovey dovey" .. okay? But, my boyfriend rules. He has really helped me to realize alot. So many things, that I could have learned so easily if someone would have just taken the time to show me. He's let me see that things aren't as bad as I make them out to be. And when I get stressed out, it's usually over something that I can easily overcome. Having him take the time to help me so much in this past year, makes me feel alot better about things. I like when people show me how much they care. i love him alot.

That being said, I need to say some more. My friends rule. Perfect examples being, KayG, MJB, Zol, and Ran. This isn't saything that my other friends aren't really cool or awesome or anything. But I just think that these people deserve to be recognized. All four of them listen to what I have to say, and I am pretty sure that they all really do care. They help me when I am down, and actually show an interest in how I am feeling or what's going on in my life. I love it and them.. so much.

So point is, I am turning around and making my life better. And I love the people in my life.

Oh and that this post is on the lamey side, my bad. They'll get better again.

Have a good one.♥.

eighteen.

so i would have to imagine, that it's something about me... do i have too high of expectations? or maybe i just get bored of people? am i that UNBARABLE to be around?... i don't know.

i have never had that "core" group of friends. you know, like those one or two people who have stuck by your side for a long time. whether it be from chilhood, middle school, the begining of high school, etc. i have just never had that. i keep in touch, a bit, with the people who have played large parts in my life, so that's good. but no one ever really stays close. sometimes, it's okay. most of the time, it's not.

anyway, i can't help but notice lately, that i am drifting away from a lot of people. in some situations, it's okay. they are the people who, i think, have been making things more difficult. like i have said before, i depend on people. sooo, even if i don't really feel like you're doing any good in my life, if you were to turn around and be like "well, i don't like you." it would upset me a bit.

i've just seen it a lot. i want to find the people who are going to stick by me and keep them there. there are truthfully about 6people, MAXIMUM, who i know that i can count on these days. this isn't even the list of people who i know will ALWAYS be there, i hope that they will, but that's not what i am talking about. that is the number of people who RIGHT NOW, i know will try to help me. who knows, that may even be over-doing it. it stinks. but it's happening and i can't change it. nah mean?

i'm just feeling real, mixed-up. i don't know what to do about things, all that much lately. it seems that as soon as i get to breathe again, there is something else just waiting to stress me out. ...i probably analyze far too much.

seriously, i'm just stupid. haha.
but, my life still rules.
despite all of this weenie stuff.

have a good one. ♥.

seventeen.

brittany and i finished my audition piece for UARTS yesterday. it only took us 2 practices to start&finish it. i am so releaved that it's done. and everyone who has seen it has given nothing but positive feedback. i am absolutely in love with it, and i feel real confident going in there with this dance. i actually feel like i have a real chance to get into this school. hopefully my SAT scores will be nice enough. i still need to talk to a former dance teacher for my recomendation letter. and finish filling out my transcript. but i am feeling confident.
i am improving in school. it's taken my whole schooling life to get the hang of it, but i am finally putting forth an effort. i always knew that i could do fine in school, even excell in certain things. i just never really could focuse/get started/put in that extra energy outside of school. i am not a stupid person, i just have a hard time getting started. anyway, i'm good. i'm good. i just have to get my ass in gear with that WEEEEE LIL THING, my grad project, heh.
life rules, hopefully things will keep going according to plan. and by next year i'll be livin with my faves, cheelin in our apartment, attending UARTS, driving, making some monies, loving life, comming home to visit, and totally happy! i hope i am not getting my hopes up and psycing myself out for absolutely nothing though.

YO! have a frieking good one! ♥!

sixteen.

it just occured to me that soon i'm really going to have to make life-altering decisions. granted i won't be all alone, i can still ask people for advice and what have you. but nonetheless, when it comes down to it i will be the one making those decisions. it's all a little bit scarey. but i think i am begining to welcome adulthood with open arms. and although i still have my doubts, i am really getting used to the idea of growing up. i am by no means ready to be on my own, in any sense of the word. however it is, inevitably, going to happen. i am going to have to make payments on things.. i am going to have to rely on myself to create a functioning schedule and follow it.. the list goes on, and it gets more and more intimidating. but i really think that i'll be okay. actually, this is the first time that i have ever thought of growing up, and realized that it is something that i will be able to handle and responsability isn't going to eat me alive. i am excited to make decisions, whether they be beneficial or not and to learn from them.

my mind-state, overall lately, has been thumbs up. i'm trying to maintain a positive attitude through everything, and i think it is finally starting to show. i am still working towards being a better person altogether. i want to be nice to people, and not have anything against them until given fair reasoning. i'm sick of acting tough and playing it off as if i don't give a shit. because when it comes down to it, i do, i always have, and i always will. i care what people say, i care what people do, and i care what people think, that's just how i am. no, that does not mean that i obsess over the things that people say, do, or think. it just means that i have a general interest in it. i really am an okay person, deep down, i'm just trying to show it again.

i'm getting it all together. it's taken nearly 18years to get everything straightened out. but i'm finally getting close. i have the ideas, i think i've got the motivation, i have the perfect people to support me, and i still have time. it's gonna happen. god, i rule!

have a good one.♥.

fifteen.

first off.. just know that i am dependent, i always have been. i depend on people for everything. i hate to be alone, i hate to do things alone, just the thought of it makes me anxious and i think about all of the awkward situations that could occur. i have tried to be better about this lately, but it's hard.

now know.. that i am going to try to sort of clean my life. i am going to get rid of every person who brings me down. i don't want to be surrounded by people who don't truely care about me anymore. i don't want to be around people who are going to doubt the best thing in my life. or try to convince me that something isn't right for me, when clearly it is. they obviously aren't looking out for me, rather, they are being selfish.

also, i don't want to be mean. i know i have said that multiple times, but im all gung-ho about it this time. i want to be better. i want to feel nicer. unless you give me reason to be, i won't be mean anymore. i won't make fun of people unless they 100% deserve it. i won't surround myself with people who feel the need to make others feel uncomfortable/unhappy to have a good time. i am sick of doing things/being in situations and knowing that it's not right and knowing that i hate doing it / being there. so from now one, i'll be the bigger man.. and just walk away.

i'm going to be a better person, i swear on it.
and i won't need people anymore, at least no more than the next guy does.
my life is going to be better, and if you want to take part in it and support me with it, then you are more than welcome to. however, if youre going to try to bring me down, walk away while you're ahead.

have a good one.