thirty-eight.

i just read a few posts from a little over a year ago, and i feel discouraged. i kept talking about how i would be moved out by now, at a school doing something great, and living with people who made me happy all of the time... hopefully in philly. none of that has happened. i am at home, car-less, working 40 hours a week. i'm just sick of reading over things and never being happy. i wasn't happy then, but i was certain that i would be happy within the next year. and here i am, the same. i haven't made anyone's life any better. i don't feel wanted. it's been 2 years of me convincing myself and the people around me that "the better days are close. things are going to be better soon." ...well, they haven't yet. i'm not miserable, i'm not. i just can't seem to get myself to relax and realize that things are okay. i'm convinced that i am what's holding everyone back. and the fact that no one else is happy, is what is keeping me down.

i feel like everyone else is moving forward and i am stuck. i am always going to be stuck. i'm always going to be here, and i am always going to feel this way. i'm stopping while i'm ahead. i can't do this, not right now. i don't feel like panicking tonight.