thirty.

i sat at home all day today.

there was a specific reason i had my day filled with things to do. to keep myself busy. so that my mind couldn't wonder and i wouldn't get upset. well, i did nothing, yet another reason i hate snow.

i got inside my head, just like i knew i would. i was okay for the first few hours. until 5-ish.

i'm not happy. i try to be. and i try to be satisfied with things exactly how they are. but i'm not.

nobody wants me around.

i don't think people understand exactly how unwanted i feel. and it's always been that way.

i don't want to care anymore.

i'm really upset right now. i feel like i'm failing at everything. and it's a terrible feeling.

i'm no good.

twenty-nine.

i'm no good at speaking up for what i want.

i have no beliefs on politics, religion, society, etc. none. i don't know where i stand with anything. i don't know what kind of person i am. if i care, or if i don't. i change each day. and that is getting harder and harder to deal with. i don't know how to react to situations. i always want to put the people i care most about, before myself. but that begins to take it's toll after some time. i don't want to be selfish. but i want to find that happy median. ..that happy median is always so hard to find.

i don't know.. FTW.

twenty-eight.

my senior year is winding down. and i'm not ready. i haven't even handed in my grad. project yet. i feel more behind than everyone else. i feel like most people at least have an idea about what they want to do with their lives. and i don't, at all. and i know that it's okay, that most people don't know what they want to do for the rest of their lives at the age of 18. and even if they do, they usually change their minds. but even a little bit of an idea would be okay for me to have. right now, i just know that i like hanging out with kids. cool.

i'm going to be 18 in a little over a month. WTF?! i don't think anyone looks at me, or sees the way i behave and thinks "mature." i know i that just because society will now view me as an adult, that doesn't mean that i, all of a sudden, have to drop my childhood and immediatly take on loads of responsability. i would just like to feel as if i am on the right track.

i don't think i ever took anything serious enough. i mean, i have stressed over school on many accounts, i always knew it would matter later on. but i never fully committed myself, it has always been a "next year it will be better" kind of thing. i am still doing that. i keep insisting that i am more of a "college person" than a "high school kid." this could be a correct assumption, but just as easily i could be wrong.

i am just scared that i am going to make the wrong choices and end up in a bad spot and not able to fix it.

there are things i want to do next year, with my life, not just school, but i'm not sure where other people who would be involved stand. and so i am still nervous to say anything. i don't know. it's weird.

sometimes, i get into my head a lot. and i mess with my mind. it's annoying, i get extremely worked up over things that don't matter. i start to get anxious about everything, it's weird as shit and i hate it.

i'm starting to isolate myself a lot, again. at least from the people i see on an everyday basis.

i miss my brother.

and my half-brother, who keeps saying he will come visit. but he probably never will. and the only way that i will ever see him again is if i take a trip down to georgia and call him and tell him that i am there. even then he'd probably be too busy to catch up.

thankyou for dealing with me, through everything. i know i'm not perfect or anywhere near. but you treat me like i am. and you make my life easier than i could have ever imagined it being. you da bomb.