eight.

i'm doing the best that i can..

seven.

i am increasingly becomming more and more excited about applying at UARTS. my application is almost complete and ready to be submitted, but i am a retard and don't understand half of the things it is asking me. however, i have picked my audition date... december 2nd.
this has turned into something that i actually want. at first i didn't mind the thought of BCCC for a year. i knew id still be living at home, and id hate that. but i figured, ive lasted this long, whats another year? ..besides i don't even know what i want to do with my life.. this will buy me more time.
&i've always been real stubborn when it comes to me&dancing. people would insist that it's something i am meant to do, and they can tell when they watch me.. i figured they were just being nice. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that i do love to dance.. it is a part of my life and always has been. even when i wasn't registered at a dance studio and regularly taking classes, i was still in love with dance... its something that i am supposed to be doing.
so after the initial shock of, leaving my comfort zone and realizing that i am growing up. i understood that this could be so good for me. i have living arrangements sort of "half-assed" figured out. who knows if they'll work out.. but i really hope they do, it would be fun.
but when i comes down to it.. i have finally found something that i am confident in. it's not that i am a confident dancer, because i'm still not and probably never will be. but i am confident in the fact that I WANT THIS. because I REALLY DO.
basically i will be a nervous wreck towards the end of november, end of story.

..im growing up. WTF?!

six.

I am going to apply at Uarts, for dance. and i am very excited about that.

this is a big step for me. and realizing this sort of put some things into perspective today. i am a wuss, and HUGE scaredy cat. so me taking the step to actually try and go somewhere, is a big deal. but the worst that could happen is, i dont make it or i do and i don't like it so i leave. i was going to write alot. but i dont want to anymore. i am just real happy that i am trying to do something, to better myself in a way.

my spirits have been down lately and i hate it. i am trying to be strong for the people who need me to be strong, and i think i am doing an okay job. but deep down i am falling apart. i am stressed. and i keep getting anxious about everything, and over analyzing anything that happens. my mind is everywhere all the time. i want to control my thoughts.. i feel crazy sometimes. but... i'm gonna get through this, and i am gonna be better... we both are.

have a good one.

five,

i keep things bottled up for too long.

anytime i have any doubt, or any negative feeling at all, i convince myself that it's silly and not worth obsessing over. yet somehow, i obsess over it still. i never want to come out and admit to my negativety and tell people what is wrong. because im scared that it will create an unnecessary conflict. and i hate conflict more than anything. i hate being put down and made to feel stupid. and im always scared that that's how it will turn out.
sometimes i feel like people are cornering me. and talking about me. and hating me. and they never allow me to explain myself. and when they finally let me open my mouth, they critisize every word i spoke. i am never ever sure of how i feel about most things, im indecisive like that. so when i finally feel that it's okay for me to state something, i take it to heart when anyone disagrees. ...that may not make sense, it's hard for me to word it right. i dont know... but basically, i feel very inferior, to everyone lately. and i think that that's where alot of my problems in many other areas are comming from. i feel inferior, not good enough, and anxious.
sometimes i hate my psyche.. i think too much. i dwell on crappy thoughts too often. it's so much worse lately too, because i KNOW that most things in my life are going so well right now, but i still manage to convince myself that it's not all as good as it seems. this is so ridiculous. im so much better than last year.. so much better. ive improved in so many ways. so why can't i show it?

...

four.

"I dont like where i am. Literally & figuratively. I think i mostly mean, my state of mind or whatever. I want to isolate myself from people, but im too scared to be alone. Im jealous of too many people. & I hate feeling inferior. I wanted to go out tonight. I had things to do. Instead i got stuck at home being a dumbass. Im an unhappy little fuck. or something of that sort. i really really want to be able to make that list of things i like and be that pleased with things again. this is sooo stupid. and i feel even more stupid for giving in to it. I think i want someone to "love" or what have you... I want a relationship. & i want to not screw it up by backing away. Eh it wont happen, im sure... "

-so that is from late october, last year.

im in love.. with life. with a boy. with my friends.
i am so happy. and happiness is one of the best feelings. ..that and knowing that everything in life is going to be okay, no matter what life throws at you. ...everything's gonna be alright.
the only downside is how bummed, stressed, and frusterated i get sometimes. i really just want to better myself. it is going to happen. asap. i promise.
thankyou, to everyone who helps me through everything. i would be nowhere near where i am now... so much better off, if it wasn't for you. ♥.

three.

zol- "soo do you think there is something, like, the opposite of RH?!"
kg- "you mean... it goes inside instead of out?!"
hahahahaha.. my life rules. :D

i worked my first saturday morning class of the year, today. it was fun. mostly all kids that i enjoy. the first class is a preschool class, and they are always fun. then i went to taylors and we watched walk the line.. finally. even though he cheated earlier in the week and watched the WHOLE thing without me, oh well. later, we watched Green Street Hooligans again. i didn't cry real bad this time, my eyes only watered a little bit. ANYWAY.. we went to MJB's and KG was there, then zol met up with us later. we played some pool, darts, chilled, it was fun. then we hit up midnight bowling with jake&mary. I WON US A WHOLE PIZZA! it was good.

NEXT is such a lame show. and "pumkin" from flava of love, is on it right now. so many teevee shows suck lately, it bums me out.

im supposed to have the rough copy of my grad project in by this friday, so that i can hopefully hand in the finished product by the end of this month. im still havent started, i am such a procrastinator. i hate it. and i hate the idea of graduation products. they don't prove anything. other than that, school is actually pretty alright. im hoping to end high school, just how i started it. nice, relaxed, and pretty happy. i can be all of those, but sometimes my negativety can get the best of me, which has been the case all too often lately. which brings me to...

how much i love my friends. in times like this, where i find myself getting upset over basically nothing, the people who really care pull through the most. they are the ones who no matter how old it gets, how tiring it gets, or how annoying it gets. continue to stick by myside and try to cheer me up. i don't mean all of this like "oh well, i dont care if i get upset and if im a burden on all of my friends, because they will always be there and they can always try to cheer me up, and they can just do everything for me." i just mean that it's nice, when i get bummed out, to know that i have some friends who will keep me going. and make sure that i am okay. i appreciate it alot, and i love them all for that.

my boyfriend is wonderful like that too. he makes me happy. he keeps me okay&better. he checks up on me when i look bummed out. and he talks things out with me, to make sure everything's alright. i love him. he treats me perfectly, and he is honestly one of the, if not the greatest person in my life.

i like being happy.
have a good one.

two.

i wish i didnt make things more difficult for people. lately i feel like i am always in the way.

i dont know. i'm stupid.

..i am not unhappy with my life. and i am not a miserable person. and i hate myself when i am mean.

looks like i have some work to do.

one.

HEY! blogspot.
basically, xanga&myspace were getting old. xanga, as far as i know, will always be my numba1. and myspace is fun and all but let's get serious. i don't know. plus my brother has one. so i mean, HELLO, this shit r00lz. haha.

[so i re-did this one, now im starting this out how i want to.]

[YIKES! this is a longie!]

i miss lvpa. i just downloaded the "i heart huckabees" soundtrack and it reminded me of our "doll dance". the one i never got to perform (with the exception of the academic probation performance) due to me shitting it up in school, big time. anyway, i am horrible with missing things. when i left pennridge for a year, i didn't know how i would last. i missed everyone, so much. leaving lvpa was just as hard as starting, just two different forms of it. i was a nervous wreck on the first day, i cried. then before i knew it came the last day of school, and i knew i was barely, if ever, going to see these people again.. so of course, i cried.
i loved lvpa. well, my friends at lvpa. and i loved dancing. i grew so much as a person and a dancer. i sort of spent that year trying to be someone, that i guess in the end i wasn't. i dressed like a fool, but it was all in good fun. i guess i was going for an "emo" look. i was a sophmore, trying to figure out who i should be. regardless i had fun.
it's weird. when you are in a moment, it never seems half as good as when you look back on it. while at lvpa, i could only ever think about going to pennridge again. once i came back to pennridge, i realized that being gone for a year, left me with nothing. i had to start all over again. past relationships meant nothing to anyone anymore. i thought i would walk back in, and everything would pick up where i left it. well, that wasn't the case at all.
i don't regret going to lvpa. it has given me just as much as it has taken from me. i don't know it's hard to explain. ...i miss dancing.

(this next part is sort of, for my own well-being. read it, or don't. i feel better when i write things out)

last october, i nearly lost it. i was so mixed up with my life, i am not even sure why. but i would spend nearly every night crying and going into hysterics. nothing ever seemed right. i didn't get along with family. and i was always making my parents mad, so they wouldn't want to "priviledge" me and let me go out. it's not that i am a bad kid, but i easily get frusterated with things that happen. and that doesn't mean that i start beating people up or anything. i just in return to being frusterated i get upset. and it just so happens, that when i am in my house, i find it 10times easier to be unhappy. i just remember alot of crappy things from being little & living here, so i never want to be around.
soon after me "going crazy", for lack of better wording, everything seemed to start fitting together. i don't want to sound all lame and lovie dovie. but i met my boyfriend and we started dating. i swear, he is the reason that everything bad just sort of, drifted into the background of my life. i was finally happy, and nothing would get me down. i was never home, because i was always with him. everything just seemed to flow better. my family&i got along better. my mom could tell, i remember her saying how much happier i seemed and how it really showed. (boys were never really my forte. i could get boyfriends, i just sort of had this thing where it would never last. and from the begining i would always be hesitant about even dating them. it was weird. but for once, i didn't hold back for any second. i knew it was okay. it's easily one of the only things i was ever sure of... that this was what i wanted.)
here comes the end of december/begining of january. my best friend of 5years and i had a little misunderstanding. which slowly grew and grew until everything was blown out of proportion, on both parts. i had friends who stuck by me through those few months. as did she. it was an up&down kind of thing for awhile. we would talk about how we needed to talk things out, but then it would never happen.
finally comes april. a young girl we both taught gymnastics to, passed away. we attended her funeral. and spent the rest of the day together. everything finally felt okay again. things were back in place. my birthday rolled around.
summertime, this summer was so boring. but i liked it, nonetheless. i was always surrounded by people that i love. some fun days went down. and some veryveryvery boring days creeped by. but regardless of what was done, it really was who i spent it with that mattered.
now it's time for the school year to begin. i am a senior and as happy as you can be about that. i'm scared to death of making decisions for myself and being in complete control of my life. we will see.

my life isn't bad. i am just really good at dwelling on things when they go wrong. i hate being alone, for the most part. somedays it's good when you need to think. but other than that, i would rather be around people who make me happy. i am shy and not confident. i hate talking to people i don't know. but i love to meet people. i act differently (shy or loud) depending on who i am around and how comfortable i am with them. i like to make people happy & to help them get through tough times. i hate feeling like i have let people down or made their lives poopier in any way. i can be mean to people, but usually that calls for you to do something to deserve it. i am trying to stop that though, because sometimes i feel really crappy after being mean and then i don't like myself at all. this is probably the only time i will ever talk about my personality/likes&dislikes this much. because i usually am not good with comming up with information about myself... that's all.

haha, i need to organize my thoughts better.