sixty-three.

I MISS WHAT WE HAD. I NEED YOU SO BADLY.

you should have seen me smiling, like the world was mine. she used to call me baby, softly sometimes. but if i dwell on those days too long i feel like my life is over, and thats no good.
so lets move on to the part where i start to sense her distance. i panic and hold on tighter that makes it worse. how am i supposed to take it when she says, "this is something im going through, its got nothing to do with you."

sixty-two.

STEADY AND FAITHFUL AS MY ANCHOR.

i've been thinking a lot again. i never think it's good when i think a lot, because the outcome is always the same - i feel crappier about myself. but this time, that was okay. right now, i have the right outlook, and i think i'll hold onto it. usually as soon as the feeling of peace comes it goes. and i'm left feeling empty, frustrated, and confused. i'm sorting out my money issues, and as hard as it is to be getting rid of money the second i have it, to pay off debts, it's okay because i know sooner than later i'll be able to have everything paid off. and i think i'm beginning to see things more realistically. i don't like it so much, only because i've always liked to day dream, but when the dreamings done and i see reality, it's always a big drop to the bottom. so i guess it's fine that i'm seeing things for what they really are now.

sixty-one.

nevermind.

nothing in my life is ever going to change. i'm going to stay miserable. and i'll always be alone.

sixty.

i'm quitting my job. my last day will probably be somewhere between august 1st and august 8th. i know you will never love, or even tolerate, every single person you work with, but i like to think that it's possible to not despise the majority of them. i work with two women, grown women; one with the worst work ethic i've ever witnessed and the other, i can't even come up with words for the other one. everything i watch the two of these women do boggles my mind, i can't begin to comprehend what makes them think anything that they do is normal or okay. if i go into full detail this will be a 2 hour rant, i know for a fact, it has happened before. ugh, i can't wait to leave.
well, now i need to find a new job. i like to think it won't be too hard, i'll have some time off, and knowing that soon there will be no more paychecks, i think i'll be more motivated. and i've never been paid real well, so i doubt it's impossible to find better pay. ah well.

hellman.