forty-four.

why won't anything change? i'm a liar. i've said time and time again, "things will change, they'll get better." well, they haven't. i'm sorry. i was convinced that by now, things would be falling into place. maybe it's not up to us anymore, maybe we need someone else's help. maybe just you need someone else's help or maybe just i do. either way, we need help. it's not okay to feel this way all of the time. i know it's a sad world, but i know there's good in it, too. i want to see the good. i am exhausted, my heart needs to be put in a better place. i can't spend all my time seeing the bad and the sad, anymore. it's too much. i am eighteen. why can't i feel that way? i try too much, i don't want to try anymore. i want to give up. i don't want to give up, i just feel like it's the only thing left. i want someone to reach out a hand, and help. actually help, not just want to. wanting to help is good, this isn't a diss at you if you have wanted to help me. it's hard to help when you don't know what's wrong. i don't blame you. this is me. this was me before you. and this will be me, until... i dono't know. hopefully not forever. i hope you're always there. i doubt things sometimes, lots of things, most times i don't say it outloud, because i know i am just being... me.
you're the only person who sees me for me. you like the things about me, that i hate the most. and you stay. you stay with me all of the time. no matter what i am doing. and i'm sorry for not always being good, i know it gets to be a lot. but i feel so, not in the right place all of the time. it's hard to act okay when you don't feel okay. thankyou. thankyou for not giving up on me. thankyou for staying by me. thankyou for making me feel okay. just, thankyou.
i like listening to music that makes me think of the winter of 2005. i think that that was the best time of my life. so much change was happening. but so much of it was the best change of my life.

fall 2008... if things aren't looking better by then, i will lose any hope i have left.

forty-three.

my only good thing. my only constant.

forty-two.

i can't stop crying. and it's literally for everyone. for anytime anyone has ever felt helpless, useless, or any word with the idea of "less" to it.

fuck.