twenty-seven.

i'll write this in here, because i only want the people who will care / understand to read it. i know more people than will read this, care about me. but it comes down to who is actually going to understand where i am comming from and will help me out a bit.
what it comes down to, is that my family doesn't like me.. honestly. i am not a bad person.. i don't do drugs, i don't drink, i don't throw parties, my parents almost always know where i really am, i have a job, i'm not completely failing school, i do extra curricular activities.. i do my part. granted, i am a bum sometimes. i complain when i am asked to help out. but really, who doesn't ever complain? this other kids in my family have.. had warrants out for their arrest and haven't come home to visit for 5+ years, thrown house parties while my family was away, snuck out to meet their boyfriends, done multiple amounts of drugs, stolen my parents beer, and shit of the same content. this isn't a low-blow to anyone in my family, people have their downsides, and i know that i am not a perfect. i can be a bitch and i can be lazy. however, that is not an every day occasion.
when i am with my family i tend to feel like the outcast. nobody ever seems to want me around, find me interesting, or find me funny. we recently went out to dinner and a discussion of my sister's myspace came up, yeah, we talked about myspace. she was saying she needs help designing hers, so trying to be funny i say, "yeah, because nobody likes your myspace." the table turns to me with a look of disgust and of course my dad mumbles, but fairly clear & loud, "figures, she has to be the little bitch she is, and come up with that." and as that is being said my brother goes, "to be fair, your myspace does suck." ...everyone bursts out into laughter. so WHY is what i said so horrible, but if my brother says it, it's a huge joke?! it's been like this, as long as i can remember. but, i used to be spoiled and i was too young to recognize the difference. well now, it's literally become a daily thing of arguing about stupid shit with my mom. OF ALL PEOPLE, MY MOM!
with my dad, i understand completely why he doesn't care much for me. out of all of his kids, i am sort of the one who just stands up to him. when my dad gets in my face with threats to hit me and so on and so forth, i sort of give it right back to him, and he knows that if he was to ever touch me, i would make his life hell, because i have made that more than clear PLENTY of times. i don't baby it up and take his shit. and NO, i am not trying to sound tough, because i do cry about it. whether it is while i am screaming at him, or afterwards when i am in my room and emotions are running high. it's stupid, and i am sick of it. i am tired of being disliked because i don't enjoy being treated like shit. it's come to the point where i am just plain and simple the bitch of my family, that they can't wait to get rid of. i keep reasurring everyone that i am only around for a few more months, but i just get attitude and immaturity in response.

whatev. i am going to go to Bucks. i wanted to do MontCo, but turns out the tuition will double and that's bullshit.

thanks for reading.

twenty-six.

i am filled with hate.

twenty-five.

i don't know what to do about next year anymore. the last thing that i want is to live in philly by myself or with a complete stranger. i know tons of people dorm & it's usually with someone you have never met. but something about that just scares me. i'd be paired with the creepiest chick alive, and that does nothing for me but take away any excitement i had. UARTS had nice dorms & i know a girl going there, so that would probably be less bad. too bad, i am already pushing myself away from going there. i am not going to dance in my life after college, so why go to school for it, ya know? well, i'm not going to go to any college if i don't get my shit together right now. ugh.

i'm going to stop setting myself up for a let down. it's annoying, i constantly get excited for things that don't end up happening. there's not any one specific thing, just in general, i get stoked about things & then all plans just fall through.

i hate school more and more each day.