twenty-four.

seriously, what's my problem?


edit;
i sometimes get to be too much of a mess. and all my thoughts get jumbled and i find myself not thinking straight. but then i get straightened out. i do hate, or strongly dislike, whatever it is i have become & i have some work to do. my mind set has changed, nothing crazy... or nothing that affects many people. but something that affects me enough, to fix it. if that makes sense. whatever, i am rambling.

i love you.. that's not changing.

twenty-three.

i'm losing.

i feel like the number of people who actually give a shit is lessening by the day. feeling this way sucks. i don't feel like explaining.. it is, what it is.

i still have a lot of things that rule though [my boyfriend. my family. the friends that do stick around. my job's cool. and i'm doing alright with school.], so okay.

anyway, my grandpop left the hospital on thursday, and my grandmom went in friday morning. she's not doing well at all. and if she doesn't make it, the expectations aren't too high for my grandpop. i hate seeing it that way, but that's what i've been told. i love them, i don't want them to go. i feel like i've just started to get closer to them again. my mom's mom just went into the hospital too, i'm not sure how serious or unserious it is yet though. so hopefully she is fine too. i rarely see my mom's family, i've always liked 'em though. ...so wish them well.

♥

twenty-two.

it's easier for me when shitty people take themselves out of my life. and i think i am pretty good at realizing who is good, who is bad, when to speak up and when to swallow my pride. and because of that, i don't worry too much about the decisions i make. i have decided that if someone wants to end all ties with me, to let them. there is not point in begging someone to stick around if that is not what they want. so i'll accept it, learn from it, and live with it. i'll be happy about the good times spent, and not have to worry about the bullshit said anymore. i am okay with it. things end, better they end on agreement. so i'll agree with it.

i need to manage money better + save it. a lot a lot a lot.

my grandpop is in the hospital. he's there a lot. my eyes started to water today when i saw him, i didn't cry though no one else seemed too upset. it just scares me. i feel this bond with my grandpop, even though we were never real close, i don't think. when i was really little we may have been, i don't remember much. he had these false teeth or maybe just one and i didn't know, and he would tell all of us kids that he had a sweettooth that he could take out and he would take one tooth out. i always tried to do it too. he was a pretty big guy, if i remember correctly. i guess i didn't realize how much he has aged. i like to think that everyone else stays the same even though i grow up. anyway, everytime i see him, i feel like he actually cares to see me and is happy. whereas the rest of my family (aunts and uncles) don't seem to phased by it all. it's weird. but i love my grandpop, and i want him to be happy and healthy.

loveyoubabe.♥.. fa real.

have a good one.

twenty-one.

i need to not be so selfish all the time. i find myself saying things, to the people i care about, that hurt them. it's always unintentional, but always for the sake of throwing a fit over something and making it out to be bigger than it is. afterwards, everytime, i feel horrible and i want to take it back. i just need to think things out more, before i follow through.

this christmas will be interesting. i'm trying to get everyone real nice presents, but unfortunately i am not working nearly as much as last year, so it's hard. not to mention, we [my family] are apparently having financial issues, which is nothing new. however, i thought that this year we were doing better. i was wrong. it's okay, i am not going to whine about how i am not going to get everything that i wanted because, well, i didn't want too much to begin with. and i know that my parents feel horrible about it. i don't understand why this happens. my parents do all that they can to allow us to live comfortably, and to give their kids and eachother what we/they want. it's unfair to see good people put into difficult situations. i mean, it's not horrible, we aren't out on the street and we aren't scraping dumpsters for food, nor are we even close to that situation. more so, everything is being cut down and i have to watch my mom try to keep her pride, while admitting that she can't do all of this alone and she needs her kids help. i hope, either way, it's a nice christmas.

i need to get my reccomendation letter written for UARTS, already. i think part of the reason i am holding back, aside from me not liking to call people, i am scared to have everything sent to UARTS and have them reject me. knowing that i get to go to that school, will enable me to see that all of our plans for next year are possible. UGH! i just want to see it all work out.

the best thing in my life, i love you.
have a nice day/night. ♥.

twenty.

learn your limits. check yourself when you're being out-of-line. understand when it's just not your place. grow up and start acting like an adult... the one's that this is applyng to, most likely won't read this. therefore i can write it and get it out of my system and be 75% sure that it won't backfire. and if it does, i brought it on myself. i don't like when people come into other people's business and make comments that are untrue and unnecessary. that happened two times last night, almost simultaneously. the second time resulting in someone being out of line and making me completely uncomfortable and honestly, scared. while the other person just sat by laughing. fuck, i hated it. and i am so close to just no forgiving the one and making it hard for the other to gain my respect again. i don't understand where any of it came from. but it started, flat out, because they don't know their limits. if you're going to drink, drink to where you are still fun and not an obnoxious fucking bitch or a complete asshole to people who don't deserve it. i want to be over this, and just say that shit happens. but this shit shouldn't. ecspecially with the one person being someone who i considered a real good and close friend. needless to say it was a rough night.

i don't know what's going on with some things. but i am just going to let people what they need to do, and sort of accept it. if someone wants to just walk away, whether it hurts me or not, i am going to let them. no sense in begging someone to stick around if that's not what they're going to want. in the end, people where end up where they have let themselves go. i don't want to hold anyone back from where they end up. i am just going to accept what's thrown at me, and hope that the things that are making me happiest don't go away. because, well that would stink, alot.

i am going to maintain my positive attitude, through whatever is thrown at me. and i am going to be happy with whoever has chose to stick by myside. and where ever i end up a year from now, i guess, is where i should be and hopefully it keeps me happy. i am going to work, so hard, to be where i want next year. i know for a fact, that i would be happy to see it all happen.

i'll be alright.

♥mybestfriend.